another day fades in the sunset.

for the first time in a really long time, i am happy. i don't know why, but i am genuinely happy.

maybe i'm happy because i had a good vacation because i was able to see my friends again and spend time with them. maybe i am happy because i have finally driven the car without any adult supervision all the way to church and back. maybe i am happy because he finally said that he missed me too. that he missed the old us.

i can't believe i am still stuck on him, that i still have a hangover over the driving thing and that i had a really fun slumber party last night. i can't believe that i am still alive after all that driving. i can't believe that i actually hosted a slumber party. i can't believe i still love you after all that time.

"you have stolen my heart."

letting it all out.

hey. it might be too early, or it might be too late, but either way, i just wanted you to know that i love you...


and that this is for you.

la la lies... my lies.

what i'm constantly listening to right now: stolen by dashboard confessional

so im listening to the album version which would mean that it is meaningfully slower.
the line that can't seem to get off my mind is: YOU HAVE STOLEN MY HEART.
oh yes, he has stolen my heart. and i don't even know if he knows that its in his possession.

i am drastically hooked on dashboard confessional's stolen, augustana's boston, and jack's mannequin's la la lie. these are really great EMO songs. i repeat: EMO. yes, unfortunately, i have opened the doors to emo songs and i dont want to look back.

boston is a really good song. more so, when he sings that she wants to move to boston where nobody knows her name. i reckon boston's okay, but i'd rather move to an entirely different city.. say, thailand? there, not only do they not know my name, i can barely even speak their language! and i seriously doubt that they can even pronounce my name right.

yes, boston offers a fresh new start. a new start that seems so devastatingly tempting. aww crap, i just miss you. and i dont like it that you never greeted me today. didnt even have the nerve. i was contemplating on calling, but that seemed desperate so i fought with all my might against my urge to call. apparently, i won.

well, with all that said, merry christmas. the holidays were never meant for me anyway. sleep well.

blogging without really thinking

what happened today? am i not supposed to be in the comforts of the house. sleeping or reading up on lessons nonetheless? what happened?

here's what happened. i learned im not superwoman. i learned that im not the smart, nor that pretty, nor that witty, nor that savvy, nor any of the things i thought i was even in the littlest of ways. i realized that i am very unhappy. i reached the climax of anger. i walked out on a nonsensical conversation (and i rarely walk out). i was late for a lecture that i was not supposed to miss but i did. i let down the person i was not meaning to. i got left behind and i left someone waiting. i broke someone's fragile heart and i destroyed myself. i imagined a perfectly executed suicide. i have had enough.

here's what might likely happen: although enlightened, i might realize that my enlightenment is no good for i will still let the darkness eat me up and i WILL surrender to it. i might end up giving everything up because i now realize that my holding on to life is no good anymore. i might just open this up to the world so that they will know that they are destroying me. i might just breakdown and cry. i might just consider leaving the world permanently.

here's what i think: the way i see it, i'm not deep. the way i see it, i'm terribly wounded and unfortunately, i chose to show my wounds to the people i supposedly fall in love with, which is really bad because when you're in love with one person you're supposed to put your best foot forward but my absurd mind thinks that the more wounded you are, the more other people will want to save you. the way i see it, misery is my very best friend and it does not want to let me go. the way i see it, life will not let me get off the hook that easily. the way i see it, life is full of temporary happiness that is used to mask the imminent pain that i am to feel for the rest of my life.

no matter what people say, i am (and i feel that i will always be) alone. i am unloved. i am terribly unhappy. i am confused. i am jealous. i am angry. i am lost. i am everybody but myself. i am all over the place. i rant and rant and rant without really saying anything that means something. i am a person that is so full of negative energies, its driving me insane. i am a person that is actually considering checking herself in a mental institution. i might just get some answers there. i'm looking for the answers in the wrong places and i dont know where to find them. but maybe, im asking the wrong questions.

now i sure as hell don't know how to process this. its hard to find angels in hell.

post-recording: independent thinking

today was a mixture of stuffs. it was the best and the worst of what is to come (?).

it all starts with a day at the office: at first, my friend and i were doing quite well. we even had a "mini-seminar" with one of the smartest people i've ever conversed with. the three of us were having fun, chatting about everything from politics, to culture, to the structure of the office, to philosophy, and to religion. we were okay up until lunch time and my friend and i were getting suspicious why we werent assigned to anything yet. and so we asked. little did i know what was to come. it seemed that a rumor went out that we said that our work was irrelevant to our course. at first we totally denied ever saying anything like that, but then i remembered, i was relaying to my friend the experience of my "officemate" who graduated biology and computer engineering but was now in community development work. apparently, it was taken out of context by the person who happened to eavesdrop. for the rest of the day, i felt really bad - more especially because the only officemate who was sensible enough to talk to is leaving in the morning, leaving me all alone to fend for myself. it made me think about the world after graduation. is it all about rumors and backbiting? all about pulling each other down?

then the afternoon came and i was totally not in the mood to go to classes. i was undeniably unprepared for the last 2 classes that i had to attend. on top of that, my really hunky teacher (who is just that, mind you) isnt doing a really good job of inspiring me to study. i mean, i LOVE philosophy, but he seems to be killing the subject. whatever. i dont think im in the mood to write about my classes which do not seem to have any point at this juncture.

the best part of the day was after the classes. my friend who wrote and arranged a song for the yearly songwriting contest was waiting for me at the office. apparently, we were to practice his piece at the recording studio of his friend. and so, for the better part of the evening, i was at the studio, jamming with the rest of the band. by the end of the night (right around midnight), i was singing AND playing a black electric guitar that had fender amplifiers. wicked.

i realized then what i was missing: the essentials. my dream. i lost sight of what i really wanted in life. now, i cant seem to get that back.

'its not the x and y's that matter. in the end, its the abc's.'

rose-colored glasses

determine. determination. deteriorate.

how do you forget? how do you erase someone from your memory? how do you wish someone away? why do i still want him?

words to live by: DONT FALL IN LOVE.

a little black skirt isnt going to fix what i've destroyed - its gonna push him farther away. a little more shoving and i might just jump over the edge. i have had enough of love and life and pain. i just want to get away from it all.

in the case that my heart stops beating, the whole time it was, it was also wishing for you to stay.

its so hard when your soul's already dead and people expect you to live when there's no reason to anymore. its so disappointing when the only person you ever let in pushes you out. its so painful to realize that life doesn't really give a damn but you still do. its destroying me. you're destroying me.

a little more to the left and i know its over.

cotton plums colored red

so i'm here in this coffee shop, typing my entry away as my friends sip on their lattes and whatnots. i've already finished my cup of mocha larcepuccino so i'm not pressured.

i am, however, depressed. and this is the first time i'm ever gonna say it out loud.

i realize i need my own blanket, my own outlet. and this year has been particularly hard because i have neither. and these things seem to elude me this time. i reckon i've been depressed for a long time now and its this time that it has been slapping me awake.

i cant take it anymore. i need to get away.

since its still 11:40 pm on october 19, 2006

happy birthday to me.

yes, i've turned 20 today. the big 2-0. twenty. bente. ni juu. er shr. dalawampo. whatever.

honestly, i never really though about my 20th birthday. i just planned until the grand 18th, when i would come of age. as for 20, nothing. but never in my wildest dreams did i think that turning 20 would be such a bummer. now, my birthday's nothing but a normal day of the week, with good food at the end of the day.

today is one of the ugliest i've ever been, the saddest, the downest, the most depressed, and most especially, the loneliest. i hate today.

so while it still supposedly exists, might as well use it as an excuse.

i said to myself that if he would NOT greet me today, that would mean that there was nothing, there is nothing and there will be nothing between us and that, tomorrow, i would move on. unfortunately, he did. but he did so with such unnerving coldness and with no effort whatsoever that now, i am left to question if i should consider it or not.

i really hate my birthday. i wouldn't mind if nobody remembered.

the saddest songs on earth

i'm posting all my emo shit in this one. my friends are already complaining that i post way too sad crap on my friendster blog. and so, i'll pretend that i'm happy, post happy bullshit on that one and say how i really feel on this one. besides, no one knows this exists.

i'm stuck on 23 by Jimmy Eat World. it's some pretty emo song. my cousin was right.
as i was listening to the song, i realized that i didn't have to write a song for him - that was it. although i'm turning 20 and not 23 on thursday, it doesnt really matter.

I felt for sure last night
That once we said "goodbye",
No one else will know these lonely dreams,
No one else will know that part of me.
I'm still driving away,
And I'm sorry everyday.
I won't always love these selfish things,
I won't always live not stopping...

It was my turn to decide,
I knew this was our time.
No one else will have me like you do,
No one else will have me, only you.

You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time,
What are you hoping for?
I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready, holding on tight,
Don't give away the end, the one thing that stays mine.

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 20(23).
I won't always love what I'll never have,
I won't always live in my regrets.

You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time,
What are you hoping for?
I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready, holding on tight,
Don't give away the end, the one thing that stays mine.

You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time,
What are you hoping for?
I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready, holding on tight,
Don't give away the end, the one thing that stays mine.

how i could insist that the end is mine. but i know that's not true. because if i had my way, it would never have to, no matter how sad that sounds.

and so, i'll sit alone forever, waiting for you to come back.

another unanswered request

i really don't know what to say or what to do. i just really want to get away.

in the meantime, i'm proud of myself. i am the 5671st petitioner against Petron Corporation for what they have done to the Guimaras Island andt the 3362nd petitioner for an immediate call to action from the Philippine government about the Guimaras oil spill.

other than that, i'm down in the dumps.

i hate the feeling of just waking up and realizing that you want to be somebody else. and so i tried to pretend that i was somebody else and dressed up differently. but of course, i couldn't give myself up entirely and so i kept the bracelet on. and i compromised. so i ended up wearing this pink blouse that i haven't worn in ages and the black leather shoes with 2 1/2 inch heels that i bought last year but have probably worn it twice in this lifetime. plus i fixed my hair, wore earrings and even threw on a little make-up. i even went to the extremes of acting like brooke. but to my dismay, although it worked wonders in putting up the facade that i wanted to show, it did nothing to ease the pain that i was nursing.

i guess even pretending isn't the solution to everything.

so then we turn to lying and wish that we can lie to ourselves.

helplessness and the problem with death.

at this moment, i can't breathe and i'm feeling utterly helpless. helpless because i have a very complicated paper to finish which was just made known to me this morning. now i don't wanna start it yet because i don't know how and i don't know what to do.

last night, i called him up for some business matters. it seemed like his voice now sounded cold. was it because he was tired? was it because he was preoccupied with things? or was it mainly because it was i who called and he does not wish to speak to me, or some twisted thought like that?

and then the question: am i causing him trouble? am i making things hard for him, and for myself as well?

the only solution that seems viable now, then, is death. with death, everything will come to an end. homework, thesis, papers, problems, life. but then, the problem would be that there would also be no more music, ice cream, movies, coffee, or even the sweet serenity of holding hands. perhaps it will all just be... blank.

and then it seems that death is the only option.

down and depressed, all day, everyday.

well, let's start with how i feel right now: sad, lonely, depressed, angry, helpless, unlovable, numb, pissed off.

and that's just the surface. there's still a lot more where that came from, like abandoned, forgotten, taken for granted, afraid - that kind of stuff.

some days, i feel like there's no cure for this except a way out. i can't wait until graduation, but i'm dreading it as well. BUT AS OF THE MOMENT - graduation and leaving is all i can think about. i don't want to think about him, about all the things bothering me right now.

but of course, knowing me, even if i don't want to think about it, i still do. my mind gives me no comfort in resting for even in sleep i stil dream about it. it doesn't matter anyway. perhaps i was - or have always been - meant for doom.

i dunno, i hate what has been happening. i hate life. i hate you. i hate me.

im so hateful.

8 seconds

right now, i'm lying on the sofa as my cousin is figuring out what song to dance to.

typical me, im burned out and bummed. burned out because i spent almost 24 hours working on a thesis that i don't think i'm ever gonna.. and bummed out because i've finally realized a hell of a lot of things that i should have realized before hand.

first off, i realized that i have just been misreading hig signals all along. on a typical night that we were trying to talk, i apparently misread what he was blatantly trying to say. that got me thinking: have i been misreading everything all along?

second, i think it's time to move on. i finally found someone who, technically, isnt really new but just came back. maybe this time, i can try my luck with him.

third, im really tired and i've got a million things to finish by tomorrow or im gonna die. literally.

fourth, i forgot to call my dad, which is a total bummer. and when i say bummer, i really do mean it. i don't know if he's waiting for my call but its too late and if i call him i might just end up waking him up. bummer.

last but not the least - i hate me.

coffee and cookies

well well well.. i've finally found a way to:

1. snag a laptop
2. use the laptop to my convenience.. and
3. connect it to the internet!!!!

yahoo indeed..

well, i guess that's it for my worldly pleasures because my heart still seems to be empty and bleeding.

too bad for me the only guy i ever really loved doesnt love me anymore and can't even love me.. oh well. this will truly, uhm, suck.

the mistakes i make and the things i do.

how come we cant turn our backs on the things that we do? how come its too hard to face the mistakes that we've done? how come it so difficult to do the right thing?

"a demon cannot be hurt." - DEMON, guster

better days (album version)

i'm listening to the album version of better days by goo goo dolls on launch cast. yep, i really am hoping for better days.

soleil - french for "sun". in all my darkness, i guess im still wishing for a little bit of light to shine on me at least once in this lifetime.

it seems that i can't roll with the punches anymore. technically, i'm giving up but i don't know how. perhaps its time for me to throw in the towel coz there's not much use for it anymore anyway so let's say goodbye this time.

some days, when i don't think about it, it gets easier. i find that my love is fading day by day. but then there are days when i remember and everything floods right back in and i just miss him all the more. those are the toughest days ever - when all i can think about was what we had and what we don't have.

i was looking at your photo earlier today. it's all i have left of something i never understood. i bet you'd think its easy for me to look for somebody else to fill the enormous gap you left. it's not that easy. it's pretty hard, actually.

sore wa taihen, desu ne?

i've been online all day. aren't you even gonna drop me a line? :'c

sooner or later

sooner or later i'll find out that this was all a sham. i'm still into joe but red seems to be occupying my mind lately. no matter, he doesn't seem to be feeling the same way i do. in any case, it's fun flirting but i know getting hurt will suck big time. perhaps its time to be doing something else other than thinking. i'll still love him no matter what but it's time to see myself smiling again. i owe it to red to do so.

*sobbing*

feeling a moment slip away.

"some things just aren't meant to be."

that's what we all say when we get screwed, when other people's selfishness ruin our lives. but we're supposed to know that it's not our fault - at least not always.

i really need an explanation from you. you cut my rope and didnt even run for help. you really did intend on killing me. don't worry, you won.

so i'm hooked on perfect romances and true love - but i know enough to see that it doesnt exist. come to think of it, love doesnt too. it is the selfishness of people that run our lives and ruin others.

how do you feel when i rub it in your face that you lied? because i know you did. i know you played me and i know you toyed with my emotions. but dont worry, no matter how much i would love to return the favor and hurt you like crazy, we both know i cant do that - because i dont want to. no matter what you say or do, (it might sound stupid but) i'll still love you.

and so here i'll still be, writing unsent letters to you and to my memory of you.

so this is how it's gonna end.

jake: people always leave, right?.. i could get on that.. and i'd be in tree hill in 6 hours and 24 minutes. and i'd be with you, but i'd be without jenny and i can't do that.
peyton: you know you could've called on the phone and told me that - its not like you're in hiding.
jake: it would be too hard to hear your voice, peyton, to feel 'us' again. my life is here now. and as much as i would love to, i... you're leaving and i'm the one that's gonna be left with this dull pain in my heart and that pain - it took me a long time to let go of.. i'm sorry.
peyton: (sarcastically) it's okay. trust me.
jake: peyton.. peyton..
peyton: you know what? every song ends jake. is that any reason not to enjoy the music? forget it.. i'll just.. i'll see you tomorrow.

i guess... that's all i wanted to say. peyton said it for me already. i mean, you could have at least called. i hope i dont see you tomorrow.


i really really hope you're reading this right now.

hemorrhage in my hands.

hey.

you asked me what honesty was. well, here's my share of it:

i love you. i really do. and don't tell me that you don't because if what you said awhile ago was true and you really weren't playing around, then you must at least feel the same way. what sucks is that i don't really know why i'm hurt so much. i mean, i went into this not expecting anything - i don't really - though you can't really say that when you love somebody so much. i was, however, at least wishing that the emotion was reciprocated, and it made me more than happy to know that you felt the same way too.

i stick by what i said awhile ago when i said i'm contented with the truth. i mean, i can't ask for more than that and if that's the only thing that i can get then im grabbing it with both my hands. i know, i know. that sounds pretty selfish and stupid and childish. fine, i'm sorry.

you know what? i'm full of it. i'm tired of feeling stupid and whatever. im giving up on this, on me and on whatever we were. i really am giving up coz you know what i learned from all this? its that giving up is letting go of what was never yours. so here you are, i'm gone.

i dont wanna get over you.

i don't understand why but i feel that i must be doing something wrong if he's not looking for me yet. i miss him tons but it seems that he doesn't so, whatever.

here's a song for you today:

lately I've been wishing I had one desire
something that would make me never want another
something that would make it so that nothing matters
all would be clear then
but I guess i'll have to settle for a few brief moments
and watch it all dissolve into a single second
try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line
'cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept
you are here then you're gone
but i believe that lovers should be tied together
thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
left there to drown
left there to drown
in their innocence
but as for me i'm coming to the final chapter
i read all of the pages and there's still no answer
only all that was before i know must soon come after
that's the only way it can be
so I stand in the sun
and I breathe with my lungs
trying to spare me the weight of the truth
saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
now you're laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
wishing you were a ghost
but once you knew a girl and you named her lover
danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
autumn came, she disappeared
you can't remember where she said she was going to
but you know that she is gone 'cause she left you a song
that you don't want to sing
singing I believe that lovers should be chained together
thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
left there to burn
left there to burn
in their arrogance
but as for me i'm coming to my final failure
killed myself with changes trying to make things better
ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be
now i believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
and layed entwined together on a bed of clover
left there to sleep
left there to dream
of their happiness

shit. i hate this. i hate being who i am right now and feeling what i do. i hate this. i hate myself.

i really really do.

but honestly?

this might sound corny, but hey, whatever.

look in my eyes and let the moment begin. you make me feel like i can do anything. one look from you just sends my troubles away. what i would do, to be with you. don't walk away, why don't you stay? i've been waiting for somebody like you. please dont walk away, why won't you say that you're ready and you're feeling it too? 'coz if it's love, if it's love, then don't walk away. i wanna show you i've got nothing to hide. don't be afraid of what you're feeling inside. deep in my heart there is nobody but you.

eew. trust me, i didn't want to write it down - i really didn't - but when im in l*** i go crazy. i swear.

geez, i'm still stuck on stupid love songs just because i miss him terribly, terribly.

what im listening to: eager angels by session road.
i especially like the chorus. it goes: like EAGER angels falling from heaven, oh i'd give it all up to share the pain with you. like EAGER angels falling from heaven, undaunted 'coz your love will see me through. oh yes, eager angels - all a little too eager, lemme tell you. i can't wait until i can call him up or at least send him a text message. oh indeed, i am eager.

i'm in this crazy frenzy where i listen to songs on my mp3 player, but i don't care much to finish the whole song, though. i mean, right smack in the middle of a great solo or whatever, i change the song. it doesn't matter if i've been dying to hear the song or how great the song is, i'd still change it. weird, im not acting like myself lately.

this is all your fault.

hello, you.

ugh. i cannot believe i am still playing sad ol' love songs on my guitar. i thought i was over that already. the sad part, actually, is that it makes me miss you more than i already do. this shit better end before i.. i.. cry.

i thought i could push you to the back of my mind with the help of a good book. little did i know that the book would keep on reminding me of you. oh dear, j.d. salinger would be hella disappointed.

i'm listening to tori amos' a sorta fairytale. geez, she really didn't beat around the bush now, did she? she sure has her way with words. but if its a sorta fairytale, heck, i'd rather have that than nothing. wouldn't wanna be left alone with my behind to keep my company.

now i'm listening to 'dance dance' by fall out boy. now that's one great band. they don't care for short titles or titles that make sense. "dance dance, we're falling apart... misery loves me."

aww crap, i miss you. cheers.

post-you

"after all this time, i never thought we'd be here."

oh, you. i've got a notebook full of unsent letters. letters i never meant to send.

do you love him? *nods.*
are you gonna call him then? *shakes head.*
why not? *shrugs.*
do you want him to call you? *nods head vigorously.*
do you need him? *nods.*
do you think he needs you? *shakes head sadly.*
so what are you gonna do about it? *shrugs again.*

im gonna... dance.

dear you,

i reckon you're never gonna get to read this anyway so here goes nothing: you're great. you amaze me everytime we talk. i melt every time i see you and i dont want you to look into my eyes because then you'd see how much i miss and need you. i love you so much that it breaks my heart to pieces. i think of you often that your very smile occupies my every waking moment. your face is all i can think of that i even see you in my dreams.

yet amidst all this emotion, i am hurting. i know you dont want me to get hurt but i cant help but feel helpless. but, do let me feel this pain because it is this pain that wakes me up in the morning. if having you is painful, then i hope every part of my being aches because i wouldnt change it for the world.

in all this, though, i hope that you are happy, wherever you are. i hope that whoever you choose, you are happy. i wish that you are filled with love until you cannot hold it in anymore. i wish that you get all that your heart desires.

but if you feel that the world is too much to handle, remember that i'm still here, loving you always and praying for you. remember that you can run into these arms of mine and trust that i would never hurt you. remember that whatever happens, you still have me.

i love you still and always.



signed,


drunk and ugly.

originally, me.

i knew i shouldnt've picked up that vcd. oh but no, i ended up wasting the rest of the day watching it. and what happened? it left me feeling more depressed than i already am. darnit, i knew i should've acted on my instinct and watched "kill bill" instead. nothing like a good bloody movie to perk up the day.

i'm listening to 'lack of color' by deathcab for cutie. indeed, there's a lack of everything in my life. dont ask, just read.

i think it was emerson who said that "everyone hides his real character but reveals it by hiding." he couldnt've said it better. indeed, we hide. but we reveal and we cant wait until someone looks into what we are hiding. we want the whole world to know how we feel, but we dont want to be blatant about it. we want others to figure it out by themselves. its pretty stupid, if you ask me. i mean, we all have our own selfish little lives to think about, so why give a damn? and yet, we are called by our own instinct to forget ourselves and care for others. but still, we get hurt when nobody seems to want to give us the time of day. but then again, who asked.

sitting by the window

i stare at the sky.

the birds will sing

and the sun will shine

but my skies will be gray,

my world drained of color.

dont ask me why

just look at me

and stare at my eyes -

then you'll know.

dont worry, that poem's mine.

now i'm listening to 'broken glass' by adam richman. woah, that song just, well, it says what i cant. apparently, im falling back on music. i cant talk to him, i cant exactly tell him how i really feel, and we can never be together. in a way, he's too good for me. what could he possibly see in a hag like me?

all this broken glass, and its falling in my lap. are you out to bring me down?

stab me, watch me die.

i have seven more days to go before i can talk to him.

i hate that he's in a different city because i miss him so much. i hate that he will have to leave eventually. i hate that i cant see myself without him in the NEAR future. i hate that im in too deep.

i miss him terribly. i dont know if he thinks about me as often as i think about him, though. because honestly, i think about him every waking moment. its crazy, i shouldnt be doing so, but i can't help it. this is seriously driving me insane. i reckon i'm letting myself feel this way because soon enough, this will end and it will all be over. i don't expect him to stay or to keep telling me that he loves me. i don't expect that he'll stay with me, there are better, more good-looking women out there so much more worthy than i am. nothing seems enough to keep me busy, to keep me from thinking about it. he's right, i should sit back and relax.

here's a song for you:

don't know why I'm still afraid, if you weren't real I would make you up now. i wish that I could follow through, i know that your love is true and deep as the sea.

but right now everything you want is wrong, and right now all your dreams are waking up, and right now I wish I could follow you to the shores of freedom, where no one lives.

remember when we first met and everything was still a bet in love's game you would call; i'd call you back and then I'd leave a message on your answering machine.

but right now everything is turning blue, and right now the sun is trying to kill the moon, and right now I wish I could follow you to the shores of freedom, where no one lives.

Freedom - Run away tonight - Freedom, freedom - Run away - Run away tonight.

we're made out of blood and rust looking for someone to trust without a fight. I think that you came too soon you're the honey and the moon that lights up my night.

but right now everything you want is wrong, and right now all your dreams are waking up, and right now I wish that I could follow you to the shores of freedom where no one lives.

Freedom - Run away tonight - Freedom freedom - Run away - Run away tonight

we got too much time to kill like pigeons on my windowsill we hang around. ever since I've been with you you hold me up all the time I've falling down.

but right now everything is turning blue, and right now the sun is trying to kill the moon, and right now I wish I could follow you to the shores of freedom where no one lives.

hmm.. reading through the lyrics i reckon the song isnt for you. its more like its from you to me.

shit. i hate this.

just plain pathetic

i have absolutely no idea what i am doing. i've been staring at the sky since last week. i reckon it can drop some answers on me. i'm so crazy about him that it's driving me crazy. yet i know i shouldn't be crazy about him because he's not crazy about me.

i feel like i wanna walk around tonight. but that's crazy coz the streets are gonna be packed with people because of this stupid festival and free concerts, etc. etc. whatever.

i feel like my heart is swelling with all these feelings that i shouldn't have. he makes me want to break out in song, but i dont have a song in mind. he makes me wanna dance around even if there's no music. he makes me want to hug him so tight - i hate it.

what i hate the most is that he keeps sending me mixed signals. i really don't know what to make of it.

oh won't someone please kill me???

thief.

i feel so bad. i'm stealing a whole person here. i really should stop.

i'm stealing someone else's inspiration. i'm stealing someone else's hope for hope. i'm stealing everybody else's hope for love. and in all this, i don't feel worthy. no, im not worthy.

i'm so mad because i let myself get this way. i thought i was okay all alone but it turns out that im not.

hmm.. i started a novel last year. it's called the diary of an 18-year-old suicide. i was thinking of finishing it, but i'm almost 20 and i'm still alive so, whatever.

i feel duped. like i was lied to or something. this always, always happens. and though i see it, i dont hit the brakes. the lights were all up in my face but i ignored it.

stupid, stupid me.

messed up but loving it.

i





am



so




confused!

i dont know what to do any more. but the thing is, i think i kinda like it.



won't someone please save me????

the heart dies slowly...

go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
... i cant stop thinking about what happened. what will happen now?

when you fall everyone stands, another day and you've had your fill of sinking
... funny, but im sinking in my own thoughts and i cant expect anyone to care

with the life held in your hands are shaking cold, these hands are meant to hold
... i wonder. was i really meant to hold anybody else's hand? or perhaps i was meant to shiver alone.

speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong move along, move along like I know you do
... apparently, i cant let it out anymore. i feel that when i speak, i bring people down with me. its just depressing to listen to a depressed person.

and even when your hope is gone, move along, move along just to make it through
... indeed moving and moving and moving is the only solution. in my case, its working, working, and working.

so a day when you've lost yourself completely
... im afraid i've already lost me.

could be a night when your life ends
... oohhh, dont tempt me.

such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
... it seems that the only thing im good at is deceiving and nobody knows it.

all the pain held in your hands are shaking cold, your hands are mine to hold
... the pain just wont - cant - go away. no more, no more. im tired.

right back what is wrong, we move along.

all the things that i couldn't have

today is the worst day ever. just when i've started to get comfy, things get rocky. that's life for you.

i was at the brink of salvation. we were right there, i was about to climb off the edge. but he had to leave and he left me with nothing. and so here i am, falling again. i think i might have gone over the edge this time.

just when i thought i was going to be okay, just when i found something to hang on to, it disappears. i dont think there's any going back anymore.

[not for all the love in the world, THE THRILLS] you show your age / when you drown your rage / but i see past those laughter lines / so baby, lets play tonight / i got a tank full of gas till light / yeah we can drive for miles and miles / but you just said / 'Not for all the love in the world' / 'Not for all the love in the world' / cause she didnt realize, now thats a lotta love / how dreams fade / and all the underdogs get laid / left your heart in the hands of a jugglin clown / and so you crave recognition / but the keys to the city went missing / people are all puzzles to be figured out / but you just said / 'Not for all the love in the world' / 'Not for all the love in the world' / cause she didnt realize, now thats alotta love oh oh / i guess that everybody / went to a better part of me / not for all the love in the world / not for all the love in the world / but she didnt realize, now thats a lotta love.

this time, im full of rage. no more faking it. no more hurting anymore. they think its not important, but i'd give up the whole world for just one more. i'd give it all up for one more..you.

[dakota, STEREOPHONICS] thinking about thinking of you / summertime think it was june / yeah think it was june / laying back, head on the grass / children grown having some laughs / yeah having some laughs / made me feel like the one / made me feel like the one / the one / made me feel like the one / made me feel like the one / the one / drinking back, drinking for two / drinking with you / and drinking was new / sleeping in the back of my car / we never went far / needed to go far / made me feel like the one / made me feel like the one / the one / made me feel like the one / made me feel like the one / the one / i don’t know where we are going now / i don’t know where we are going now / wake up cold coffee and juice / remembering you / what happened to you? / i wonder if we’ll meet again / talk about us instead / talk about why did it end / made me feel like the one / made me feel like the one / the one / made me feel like the one / made me feel like the one
The one / i don’t know where we are going now / i don’t know where we are going now / so take a look at me now.

yep, you made me feel like the one - like i was one. cobwebs, cobwebs, cobwebs. im caught up in cobwebs that bury me further as i struggle to get out. constant, constant, constant. no constancy in life to look forward to.

what am i running from?