Sa Tamang Panahon.

Sa totoo lang, gusto kong isigaw sa mundo kung gaano kita kamahal. Hindi ko alam kung kayang idaan sa salita, dahil ito lang ang tanging gamit ko para ilabas sa mundo ang pagmamahal na aking nararamdaman para sa iyo, pero susubukan ko. Gusto kong malaman ng mundo kung gaano ako kasaya tuwing kapiling kita. Namamangha ako sa aking nararamdaman, dahil ako'y kinakain nito at niluluwa ng buo kapag ikaw ay aking kasama.

Hindi ko alam kung ito rin ba ang iyong nararamdaman. Hindi ko rin alam kung nais mo rin bang malaman ng mundo kung ano ang nararamdaman mo. Ngunit minsan, may mga panahon na nakikita ko sa iyong mga mata at nadarama ko sa iyong mga yakap, na ito rin, kung hindi man higit pa, ang iyong nadarama para sa akin.

Kung kaya't ito lang ang masasabi ko. Mahal kita. Ng buong buo. Ng walang hanggan. Ng walang pagaalinlangan.

happy birthday to me

i don't understand why i should celebrate my birthday. i don't like making a fuss about it - it's just a day like any other. but on the other hand, this says a lot more about me than it does you.

but it's really not a big deal. i don't want to make a big deal about it, so please, why won't you just drop it?

Hostage.

I feel like I'm in a cage. I can't seem to get out, although I know that I can. Like I'm afraid to, somehow. That freedom may be the death of me.

Post. Day 1.

post-apocalypse? post-pseudo break-up? post- anything.

i lost another love today. i daresay i lost another part of me today. i don't know if it's me, the choices i make, or i am a terrible judge of character.

i miss you, though. i really do miss spending time with you and talking about nonsense while you laugh at me and my insane rants. i miss sleeping in your arms while you watch the movie we were supposed to watch together. i miss waking up next to you and hearing you greet me a simple "morning", even after i pointed it out to you that its GOOD morning. i miss our unbearably inappropriate, yet absolutely funny, inside jokes. i miss playing my music for you. i miss how you always take my hand in yours, put it next to your lips and kiss my hand tenderly. i miss watching you eat like the slowest snail i have ever seen. i miss hearing you tell me how amazing i am, even though deep down, i find it hard to believe that you find me such. heck, i even miss how you're always late, even though you promise that you'll never be late again much to my chagrin.

but no matter how much i miss you, the fact will always remain that you have your own battles inasmuch as i have my own. and no amount of missing you will make you face those battles any faster. you'll have to deal with them on your own time, in your own space, with as much courage as you can muster. i still do pray you find that courage, and i still offer you all my support. i hope you figure your shit out and do what you need to do, so you can finally do what you want to do. and always, at the end of the day, i pray that one day, you wake up and find that you choose me.

Sometimes, There Are Things The Heart Wants to Know

What I'm listening to: Stay Alive, Jose Gonzales.

And so, Jose Gonzales croons, "we'll do whatever just to stay alive". Feels like more or less gospel to me right now. There are just days where you'll give anything to stay - or even feel - alive. It's scary to think that life is passing you by as you just stare at it. The world spins madly on, The Weepies would add. No matter what you've been through, or are going through, the world doesn't care. At least not as much as you would want it to. So it's not really bothered by your sad little drama in the universe you are in the middle of, which is pretty much a small little universe made up of sad, broken dreams and shattered truths. So everyday, you fight, you fight, and you fight some more. You do whatever you need to do to stay afloat. You get old, you get jaded. Yet you fight everyday to stay alive.

Tell me again what's worth living for?

Don't Look Back, The Road Is Long.

I'm trying my hardest to move forward, but there are days when it is hard. And today is that kind of day.

Some days, I wish I didn't have to feel so much. I feel too much, and hurt so hard. My heart hurts so much, I'm surprised it still hasn't burst. I'm barely scraping by, keeping myself from tearing apart.

Some days, I don't know what to believe in anymore. Maybe you could shed some light on that one? Enlighten me.

Finding a Rhythm

It's like this loneliness has been ingrained into my circadian rhythm. it's like a vicious cycle, where i'm okay, you're not in my thoughts anymore and then boom! some obscure moment reminds me of you and i am pulled into this depression where i can't seem to want to do all of this without you. and then i claw my way out of that rut. and then i'm okay again. and the cycle continues.

i wonder when this cycle will end. i wait for the day when this cycle sets me free, or i am free of you, whichever comes first. or maybe, just maybe, someone can set me free.

we need to talk.

they say things change, that things get better. but what if they don't? what if they don't and i am stuck in this limbo, waiting for who-knows-what? i don't want to settle, but i don't want to be selfish either. and i don't think that becoming a people-pleaser is going to help. being stubborn won't as well. people say that i need to find the balance, but damn, it is getting harder by the minute. know what you want, follow what you want, don't be selfish, don't be pushy, assert yourself, you can't always get what you want. i am really dizzy with all of these platitudes. what the hell do you want from me, universe? haven't you taken enough already? do you have to drag me down with you?