I'm not going to pretend that I know what I'm doing, because like the rest of us, I'm really simply winging it.

I can tell you a million and one things that I think are important to know or to remember, but I'm sure you have a notebook full of those already. The only thing I can give you is a story. A story of how I decided this can't possibly be the only way and changed how I see my life and the world around me.

You see, I fought a long and drawn-out battle with depression. I like to say it in the past tense because I think I won - for now. My doctor says it's possible that it will come back, but hopefully, I'm better equipped to see the symptoms and try to get myself out of it. But that's not even the worse part, I also struggle with thoughts of suicide which, in no way or manner, am I proud of. I have had countless thoughts about wanting to take my own life in various forms. Believe me, I researched so many ways to do it mainly because I want a quick and painless guaranteed death. But alas, the odds will always be against me. 19 out of 20 suicides fail the first time, and those that fail are 37 times more likely to succeed the second time around. I didn't want to be part of the 19, so I researched the heck out of it. For some reason, though, I just couldn't bring myself to go through with it. People always say that those who think about it but don't go through with it are simply attention seekers. Perhaps its true, but that does not mean that attention is not warranted.

For me, suicide seemed to be the only way out when everything was bleak. I had my first suicidal thought in high school when, during summer break, I had come across a guy I thought was cute. No, this is not some cheesy love story. I had given him my number, we had spoken a few times, and he ended up stalking me. Suffice it to say, it was just chaos. And all this time, I blamed myself for all of the bad things that happened. It was all my fault. If I just hadn't given my number, none of this would've happened. No one would have been exposed to danger. It got to a point where, I swore that if anything happened to anyone close to me, I would kill myself.

And so similar thoughts ensued, in different situations and because of different reasons. I'm not proud of these thoughts. But I think, it's time we talk about it. It's not healthy anymore when someone you know commits suicide. This can't possibly be the only way.

And yet, we shun people who are "emotional", "negative", telling them that they're too much of a burden or they're a drag to hang around. Don't say that. You don't know what that person is going through, has been through, or will have to go through. We all don't approach life the same way. Maybe you can ignore the hurt and pain, laugh through it or brush it off, but not everyone is as equipped as you are. Worse, not everyone has the support system that you probably do.

Why am I sharing this? Because I need you to know that the next time you through around the idea that a person is such a drag, so down, and that they should just "change their mindset", I want you to understand that it's not that easy, especially when someone is depressed.

The National Institute of Mental Health defines depression as: a common but serious mood disorder. It causes severe symptoms that affect how you feel, think, and handle daily activities such as sleeping, eating, or working. They may develop under unique circumstances. It is caused by a combination of genetic, biological, environmental, and psychological factors. So it's not just about feeling sad, or "changing your mind" about something, it is serious and we need to talk about it. We need to be more sensitive, and we need to be understanding.

It's not a joke and should not be treated as one. Lend out a helping hand, or if you think that it's something that you are not equipped to handle, ask them to see a professional. They can start with some of these: http://www.cefam.ph/mainpage.aspx, or http://www.emmausphil.org/.

Don't be ignorant. Be vigilant. Be sensitive. Better yet, be supportive.

I'm Seeing Red

I am so angry at you. I'm trying to figure out where this anger comes from, and I've come to realize that it comes from a place of disappointment.

I'm disappointed in you. You made me believe you were a different person than what you ended up to be.

I'm disappointed because you made me believe that you could be better than this.

I'm disappointed because you said you were mature enough to handle it, but apparently you weren't.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to choices. And you chose not to rise to the occasion.

I'm Drowning

Life. It's weird, obscure, macabre. It just happens. Bad things, good things, every thing. The Universe doesn't specifically shit on you - it shits on everybody. It just shits on everyone differently.

There's no telling what the human soul can endure. And let me tell you, in the past month, I have endured a lot. So much so that I don't know where all this strength is coming from. I guess it's true, you just keep on keeping on. There is no backward or sideward, there's only one way - forward. There is no stop, no rewind. Just play. And it's not even you that's pressing it. It will just keep on being like that even if you feel like falling off the Earth and evaporating into thin air.

Funny, I never thought life could get any worse. But then again, Murphy's law is always at play. It is true - anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Stupid Murphy.

Hang in there.

I sincerely thought that this year would be an incredible one for me. So many possibilities, or so I thought. I wasn’t expecting mom to get sick. And now so much of what I’ve been going through have stemmed from that. And I don’t know how I feel about that. 

I can’t begin to count how many times I’ve heard the words “hang in there”. Hang in there. Hang. In. There. Hang where? Where am I supposed to hang from? What am I supposed to hang on to? I feel like an empty void, so what exactly am I supposed to hang on to? 

They say I can manifest things. My thoughts become my truths. I think I’m gonna use that. I will use it until all the positivity has drained away from me and my energy source is nothing but light. 

So hang in there. Just a little bit more. 

happy (anniversary)

It's odd that I remember what today used to signify. I'm not really celebrating today, but I remember. And I think it doesn't help that Adele is playing on loop (guess what - Turning Tables is playing. Ha!).

I've been wondering about you lately. Just wondering. Nothing special, nothing noteworthy. Just wondering. You keep popping in and out of my thoughts, and I want to tell myself that that's ok. It's nothing to be worried about and it shouldn't fire warning signals in my head.

I think I am now understanding that it's not that easy to erase 7 years worth of memories.

The One Where I'm the Odd One Out.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, "To be nobody but yourself in a world that is constantly trying to change who you are - that is the greatest accomplishment."

I have always tried to stick to my guns, always making sure that everything I do resonates with who I am. In a way, integrate everything so that I am living out what I think, what I believe, who I am and who I want to be.

Oddly enough, with you, I feel like a fish out of water. All. the. time. I don't know how that makes me feel, because most of the time, I am just uncomfortable and I am kicking myself under the table. I'll admit, there are times when I overlook this or simply ignore it, because I want to be with you. I'm just not sure if that will be enough, given that sometimes, what you want out of life is not what I want.

I want to feel, and think, and meditate, and reflect. You just want to keep going. I want to stop and smell the roses, you barely even notice them. And what's worse is that, I don't even feel like you want to just spend time with me. Literally waste time sitting and doing nothing. You always want to be doing. And I don't know how I feel about that.

I Want to Keep On Keeping On.

Hello.

It's funny how long bus rides make me think about things that have long past. In this instance, they made me think about you. Unfortunately, I had around 6 hours worth of bus rides to think. And Coldplay, Bon Iver, and Sufjan Stevens do not help. I think I should change my playlist. I am on Spotify, after all.

I can't remember anything in particular, but I've just been wondering about you. I was broken when you left. You saw me broke and beaten. I wonder - did you ever break? Did it ever break you to see me like that, to wake up and realize we're not together anymore? To not see me next to you? I want to make it clear - I don't want you back. I cannot fathom why I ever said yes to you in the first place. I may not necessarily be in a better place without you, but I do not want to be with you. I guess I just want to know if you were as blinded with pain as I was.

I fight the urge to call you sometimes. I fight every single fiber of me that wants to ruin your life. Because that's not me. There is a side of me that is, but it is not my entirety. And every day, I fight these demons.

I hope one day, they disappear along with every thought of you.