Saturday, December 24, 2005
Friday, December 23, 2005
blurbs..
fuck it. what the hell. i'm drunk out of my mind and blogging like crazy. so dont mind me. drunk crazy girl spilling out what she feels.
well, my world is spinning and i'm lightheaded. i reckon that's normal after drinking 10+ shots of vodka. so here's what I want to say:
i hate that you dont notice me. i hate that you make up stories about me and are proud of me for the wrong things. i hate that you notice her more than me. fuck it. could you PUHLEEZ do not push me to sit with you. so im antisocial. and??? what the..
fuck it. fuck them all. so what if im red? what the hell is wrong with that?
maybe, just MAYBE i dont want to spedn time with all of you. i dont give a damn so dont PUSH me.
well, my world is spinning and i'm lightheaded. i reckon that's normal after drinking 10+ shots of vodka. so here's what I want to say:
i hate that you dont notice me. i hate that you make up stories about me and are proud of me for the wrong things. i hate that you notice her more than me. fuck it. could you PUHLEEZ do not push me to sit with you. so im antisocial. and??? what the..
fuck it. fuck them all. so what if im red? what the hell is wrong with that?
maybe, just MAYBE i dont want to spedn time with all of you. i dont give a damn so dont PUSH me.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
i've got issues.
yes, i too have got issues.
i hate how people never recognize other people's worth. i hate how people are so consumed by their own little world that they have also been consumed by apathy. i hate how people dont care about anything else but themselves anymore. i hate how some people care too much about everything and everyone yet no one seems to care about them anymore.
a sad song is playing on the radio. yes, i also have the ability to rant sometimes. i rant through writing and i cant see it any other way. im so amazed at how other people can be really open and tell the world about how they feel about things. i, unfortunately, do not have that capability as i am afriad to let people know how i feel because i am afraid to lose them, not knowing that by remaining silent, i have lost them already.
a teacher told me that if your conscience calls for you to speak, and you did not, then you should be barred from speaking. perhaps that is why i have never spoken up ever again since that incident.
i am envious of people who are not afraid to show the world who they really are. unfortunately, i have grown so accustomed to fake smiles and sarcasm that i cant see it any other way. i cope best by wearing a mask that no one sees. nobody seems to notice that i am anybody else but myself. nobody seems to know nor are aware that they arent talking to me.
some days i feel like someone else. like im a mere audience in a day-long movie where someone who looks and talks like me seems to be the primary actor.
unfortunately, the ending never seems to be happy.
i hate how people never recognize other people's worth. i hate how people are so consumed by their own little world that they have also been consumed by apathy. i hate how people dont care about anything else but themselves anymore. i hate how some people care too much about everything and everyone yet no one seems to care about them anymore.
a sad song is playing on the radio. yes, i also have the ability to rant sometimes. i rant through writing and i cant see it any other way. im so amazed at how other people can be really open and tell the world about how they feel about things. i, unfortunately, do not have that capability as i am afriad to let people know how i feel because i am afraid to lose them, not knowing that by remaining silent, i have lost them already.
a teacher told me that if your conscience calls for you to speak, and you did not, then you should be barred from speaking. perhaps that is why i have never spoken up ever again since that incident.
i am envious of people who are not afraid to show the world who they really are. unfortunately, i have grown so accustomed to fake smiles and sarcasm that i cant see it any other way. i cope best by wearing a mask that no one sees. nobody seems to notice that i am anybody else but myself. nobody seems to know nor are aware that they arent talking to me.
some days i feel like someone else. like im a mere audience in a day-long movie where someone who looks and talks like me seems to be the primary actor.
unfortunately, the ending never seems to be happy.
Monday, November 14, 2005
warning: i'm speaking
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.....
i just finished one veeeeeerrrrryyyy long assignment. might as well called it a research paper because of the extensive research work you need to get it done. hmm.. come to think of it.. maybe i should sue.
i had a really bad week. and i'm guessing more bad weeks are gonna come. so here i go again, as i vent out what i want to say.
you know what? i think i'd rather keep that to myself. if you cant say anything good then just shut up.
"lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking off her clothes." - natalie portman, CLOSER
i just finished one veeeeeerrrrryyyy long assignment. might as well called it a research paper because of the extensive research work you need to get it done. hmm.. come to think of it.. maybe i should sue.
i had a really bad week. and i'm guessing more bad weeks are gonna come. so here i go again, as i vent out what i want to say.
you know what? i think i'd rather keep that to myself. if you cant say anything good then just shut up.
"lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking off her clothes." - natalie portman, CLOSER
Friday, November 11, 2005
down in the dumps
i missed a whole month. dont ask why. maybe i did it on purpose because i just didnt want to remember all the things that happened. i still dont yet i do. more often than not, i dream about what i dont want to think about.
maybe i didnt try too hard. or maybe i tried to hard that i failed. i dont know. either way, i'm too tired to do it all over again. no amount of regretting will bring it back any way. all i can do is move on and pray for a better day.
yet again im still not where im supposed to be. perhaps in being where i want to be, i am truer to myself. so maybe my calling in life was to become a groupie. who cares?
another email address isnt gonna solve my problem of loneliness. it will just add to the intensity of the reality that i am what i am - truly alone and depressed.
still no word or sign of hope from anyone. maybe they have forsaken and forgotten about me. or maybe i have forsaken and forgotten myself. im not really in the mood to rationalize this anger and hurt that i feel. yes, i am less angry than i was a half an hour ago. but that does not hide the fact that yes, i was hurt. yes, i feel too. yes, i too am a human being and i also have the right to get mad.
but then the principle of responsibilities over rights suddenly slaps itself across my forehead and i am left to wallow in sadness alone, feeling hurt and depressed.
i hate it that people are now moving away from each other and are being more and more individualistic. self first before anyone else. i hate it that they are all starting to become apathetic and that the cynic in me is screaming out that it won - that trusting people in good faith never works.
it just bites you back in the ass.
maybe i didnt try too hard. or maybe i tried to hard that i failed. i dont know. either way, i'm too tired to do it all over again. no amount of regretting will bring it back any way. all i can do is move on and pray for a better day.
yet again im still not where im supposed to be. perhaps in being where i want to be, i am truer to myself. so maybe my calling in life was to become a groupie. who cares?
another email address isnt gonna solve my problem of loneliness. it will just add to the intensity of the reality that i am what i am - truly alone and depressed.
still no word or sign of hope from anyone. maybe they have forsaken and forgotten about me. or maybe i have forsaken and forgotten myself. im not really in the mood to rationalize this anger and hurt that i feel. yes, i am less angry than i was a half an hour ago. but that does not hide the fact that yes, i was hurt. yes, i feel too. yes, i too am a human being and i also have the right to get mad.
but then the principle of responsibilities over rights suddenly slaps itself across my forehead and i am left to wallow in sadness alone, feeling hurt and depressed.
i hate it that people are now moving away from each other and are being more and more individualistic. self first before anyone else. i hate it that they are all starting to become apathetic and that the cynic in me is screaming out that it won - that trusting people in good faith never works.
it just bites you back in the ass.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
let's see...
let's see. i'm sitting here, staring at the computer screen and trying to think of reasons why i'm still not where i want to be. apparently, i have been holding back on almost everything and this time, i'll start to do it my way.
so perhaps i really am a groupie deep deep down. perhaps whatever it is i read was right. im too afraid to make a fool out of myself to let me enjoy things the way i want to do so. perhaps i keep on thinking of what people think to actually think for myself. perhaps i'm such a people-pleaser that i forget that the only two people i'm supposed to please are myself and God. perhaps i keep on forgetting that my worst enemy is me.
i think the worst thing that i ever do is that i think too much. everything just has to be over-analyzed. everything just has to be perfect, just the way that they should be. perhaps i overlooked the fact that maybe things are imperfect because they were supposed to be that way. i tend to forget that imperfection was created just that way - to be imperfect.
never did i think that i would reach this certain cathartic state. perhaps im this way right now because im too high on mefenamic acid to even realize that the world still exists outside or perhaps i really have understood myself enough to say that this isnt what i wanted myself to become.
perhaps now i can start being me.
so perhaps i really am a groupie deep deep down. perhaps whatever it is i read was right. im too afraid to make a fool out of myself to let me enjoy things the way i want to do so. perhaps i keep on thinking of what people think to actually think for myself. perhaps i'm such a people-pleaser that i forget that the only two people i'm supposed to please are myself and God. perhaps i keep on forgetting that my worst enemy is me.
i think the worst thing that i ever do is that i think too much. everything just has to be over-analyzed. everything just has to be perfect, just the way that they should be. perhaps i overlooked the fact that maybe things are imperfect because they were supposed to be that way. i tend to forget that imperfection was created just that way - to be imperfect.
never did i think that i would reach this certain cathartic state. perhaps im this way right now because im too high on mefenamic acid to even realize that the world still exists outside or perhaps i really have understood myself enough to say that this isnt what i wanted myself to become.
perhaps now i can start being me.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
after 5 seconds
i'll be leaving tomorrow. i really don't know how i feel, but here it goes:
anxious. happy. excited. sad. lonely. tired. alone. mad. agitated. my head is aching. i don't wanna go anymore. i hate my companions. i need sleep. i'm scared i'll get lost. i miss my music. i wanna eat ice cream. i hope i dont run out of money in a foreign country.
anxious. happy. excited. sad. lonely. tired. alone. mad. agitated. my head is aching. i don't wanna go anymore. i hate my companions. i need sleep. i'm scared i'll get lost. i miss my music. i wanna eat ice cream. i hope i dont run out of money in a foreign country.
just how i feel
Tell you where you need to go
Tell you when you need to leave
Tell you what you need to know
Tell you who you need to be
Everything inside you knows there's more than what you've heard
So much more than empty conversation filled with empty words
And you're on fire when He's near you
You're on fire when
He speaks You're on fire, burning at these mysteries
Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything
You are Give me one more chance to be
Everything inside me looks like everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change,
You are the only chance I'll take
When I'm on fire when You're near me
I'm on fire when You speak
I'm on fire burning at these mysteries
These mysteries
I've been standing on the edge of me
standing on the edge of me
standing on the edge of me
standing on the edge of me
standing on the edge of everything
I've never been before
And I've been standing on the edge of me standing on the edge
And I'm on fire when You're near me
I'm on fire when You speak I'm on fire burning at these mysteries
ON FIRE, switchfoot
Tell you when you need to leave
Tell you what you need to know
Tell you who you need to be
Everything inside you knows there's more than what you've heard
So much more than empty conversation filled with empty words
And you're on fire when He's near you
You're on fire when
He speaks You're on fire, burning at these mysteries
Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything
You are Give me one more chance to be
Everything inside me looks like everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change,
You are the only chance I'll take
When I'm on fire when You're near me
I'm on fire when You speak
I'm on fire burning at these mysteries
These mysteries
I've been standing on the edge of me
standing on the edge of me
standing on the edge of me
standing on the edge of me
standing on the edge of everything
I've never been before
And I've been standing on the edge of me standing on the edge
And I'm on fire when You're near me
I'm on fire when You speak I'm on fire burning at these mysteries
ON FIRE, switchfoot
Friday, August 19, 2005
indeed.
i'd known it all along. that i was not ready to show them who i was or what i thought. perhaps it is because im scared that they will reject me for who i am, that they will laugh at what i think and step on things that i value the most. perhaps silence is better and there are things that really should be left unsaid. i may talk too much, but i dont say anything at all. it's weird because some people actually listen to the words falling out of my mouth, not knowing that perhaps that they are just gibberish that fill the awkwardness of my being in that moment. perhaps i really dont mean anything at all.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
just me
"to be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight... and never stop fighting..."
Sunday, June 05, 2005
today's the day i say goodnight.
take me as you are / push me off the road / the sadness i need this time to be with you / i'm freezing in the sun / i'm burning in the rain / the silence i'm screaming calling out your name / and i do reside in your light / put out the fire with me and find / yeah you lose the side of your circles / that's what i'll do if we say goodbye / to be is all i got to be / and all that i see / and all that i need this time / to me the life you gave me / the day you said goodnight / the calmess in your face / that i see through the night / the warmth of your light is pressing unto us / you didnt ask me why / i never would have known / oblivion is falling down / if you could only know me like your prayers at night / then everything between you and me will be alright / she's already taken / she's already taken / she's already taken me / the day you said goodnight --> hale [the day you said goodnight]
oddly enough, i've resigned to the fact that what i was is all i'll ever be.. oh and that he'll never change. they will forever disappoint me and i cant do anything about it. except be me. its my choice anyway and i choose to wither away into oblivion. who cares if i'm invisible and fading? who cares if i'm waning?
oddly enough, i've resigned to the fact that what i was is all i'll ever be.. oh and that he'll never change. they will forever disappoint me and i cant do anything about it. except be me. its my choice anyway and i choose to wither away into oblivion. who cares if i'm invisible and fading? who cares if i'm waning?
Monday, May 02, 2005
whatever things
it's absolutely uncanny how a song can tell exactly how you feel. right now, i'm feeling down, bored, and so pissed off. i have no one to talk to and i still don't understand why i'm not over him yet. i should be miles away from thinking about him, yet here i am seated, typing yet another entry and hopelessly wishing he'd call. yes, i have tried calling him but i don't have the guts to actually wait for him to pick it up. i know i'm supposed to finish the article for the paper. the deadline is on friday yet here i am, staring at the computer screen, not a word in sight. heck, i have more to write on this entry than i do for that assignment. that said, i dont even like the assignment in the first place. i feel like leaving and never coming back.
maybe one day this will all be better. i sure as hell dont know when but who knows?
hmph.. its been exactly one year since he proposed. how was i supposed to know he wasn't.. and i was.. that we were gonna.. that he was.. and i wasnt.. whatever.
he just called. i feel stupid for answering the phone and feeling excited.. he just asked me to sing - just like old times. he says he still plays basketball. he says he's been sober since january. i've been sober only since sunday morning. its weird because i'm actually considering letting him cheat on his girlfriend with me. i swear i'm going crazy. i really really thought i was over him. i actually made myself believe that i was over him. guess i really wasnt. he's sayin when he gets his money, he'll take me out -- i don't know if it's a date date or just a friendly date. but what i know is that this treat is way overdue since it was supposed to be a bet and i won - and that was a year-and-a-half ago.
it's amazing how he actually remembers the nitty gritty details about our childhood -- heck, we were 10.. how am i supposed to remember?
i really hate this situation. i was actually crushing on the other guy and then he came along and i'm back at square one. this is so stupid. i feel so stupid.
{maybe tomorrow} i've been down and / i'm wondering why / these little black clouds / keep walking around / with me / with me / it wastes time / and i'd rather be high / i think i'll walk me outside / and buy a rainbow smile / but they're free / they're all free / so maybe tomorrow / i'll find my way home / so maybe tomorrow / i'll find my way home / i look around at a beautiful life / been the upperside of down / been the inside of out / but we breathe / we breathe / i wanna breeze and an open mind / i wanna swim in the ocean / wanna take my tine for me / all me / so maybe tomorrow / i'll find my way home / so maybe tomorrow / i'll find my way home [stereophonics]
maybe tomorrow, i'll be over you.
maybe one day this will all be better. i sure as hell dont know when but who knows?
hmph.. its been exactly one year since he proposed. how was i supposed to know he wasn't.. and i was.. that we were gonna.. that he was.. and i wasnt.. whatever.
he just called. i feel stupid for answering the phone and feeling excited.. he just asked me to sing - just like old times. he says he still plays basketball. he says he's been sober since january. i've been sober only since sunday morning. its weird because i'm actually considering letting him cheat on his girlfriend with me. i swear i'm going crazy. i really really thought i was over him. i actually made myself believe that i was over him. guess i really wasnt. he's sayin when he gets his money, he'll take me out -- i don't know if it's a date date or just a friendly date. but what i know is that this treat is way overdue since it was supposed to be a bet and i won - and that was a year-and-a-half ago.
it's amazing how he actually remembers the nitty gritty details about our childhood -- heck, we were 10.. how am i supposed to remember?
i really hate this situation. i was actually crushing on the other guy and then he came along and i'm back at square one. this is so stupid. i feel so stupid.
{maybe tomorrow} i've been down and / i'm wondering why / these little black clouds / keep walking around / with me / with me / it wastes time / and i'd rather be high / i think i'll walk me outside / and buy a rainbow smile / but they're free / they're all free / so maybe tomorrow / i'll find my way home / so maybe tomorrow / i'll find my way home / i look around at a beautiful life / been the upperside of down / been the inside of out / but we breathe / we breathe / i wanna breeze and an open mind / i wanna swim in the ocean / wanna take my tine for me / all me / so maybe tomorrow / i'll find my way home / so maybe tomorrow / i'll find my way home [stereophonics]
maybe tomorrow, i'll be over you.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
nothing's changed
Time is never time at all / You can never ever leave without leaving a peace of youth / And our lives are forever changed / We will never be the same / The more you change the less you feel / Believe believe in me believe / That life can change that you're not stuck in vain / We're not the same we're different tonight / Tonight so bright tonight / And you know you're never sure / But you're sure you could be right / If you held yourself up to the light / And the embers never fade in your city by the lake / The place where you were born / Believe believe in me believe / In the resolute urgency of now / And if you believe there's not a chance tonight / Tonight so bright tonight / We'll crucify the insincere tonight / We'll make things right we'll feel it all tonight / We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight / The indescribable moments of your life tonight / The impossible is possible tonight / Believe in me as I believe in you / Tonight tonight / Tonight --> smashing pumpkins [Tonight, tonight]
okay. my mind has been reeling lately. i have not been myself at all in days. in fact, i have been different lately. different in the bad sense. i have been devoid of feeling and the only emotions running around my head are that of hurt, anger and depression. oh, and i've been oddly nostalgic lately.
i have not been able to decide what to do about him#1. whereas for him#2, i plan on trying to forget him while fixing our friendship. with him#3, i havent decided yet... i dont even know what he really feels about me. it could be that he's just plain harmless, but how would i know?
as for me, i have not decided what to do with my life yet. i reckon its going nowhere. nothing is happening and there are no avenues for me to do something really important with my life. in one word, my life is stale.
i guess i've been staring at the color black for too long now. i've been totally depressed lately and have been drawing back from personal relationships with friends and family. i have hardly even talked since monday. yes, this big mouth of mine also shuts up once in a while. worst of all, i think i have not been using my brain lately because it hurts a lot and it has been blank for the past couple of days. i have even lost the will to blog oh the shock, the horror!)
dont know what else to write. only that i wish life would just start... well, changing.
okay. my mind has been reeling lately. i have not been myself at all in days. in fact, i have been different lately. different in the bad sense. i have been devoid of feeling and the only emotions running around my head are that of hurt, anger and depression. oh, and i've been oddly nostalgic lately.
i have not been able to decide what to do about him#1. whereas for him#2, i plan on trying to forget him while fixing our friendship. with him#3, i havent decided yet... i dont even know what he really feels about me. it could be that he's just plain harmless, but how would i know?
as for me, i have not decided what to do with my life yet. i reckon its going nowhere. nothing is happening and there are no avenues for me to do something really important with my life. in one word, my life is stale.
i guess i've been staring at the color black for too long now. i've been totally depressed lately and have been drawing back from personal relationships with friends and family. i have hardly even talked since monday. yes, this big mouth of mine also shuts up once in a while. worst of all, i think i have not been using my brain lately because it hurts a lot and it has been blank for the past couple of days. i have even lost the will to blog oh the shock, the horror!)
dont know what else to write. only that i wish life would just start... well, changing.
Monday, March 07, 2005
sharp hint of new tears
On the way home,
this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.
This weather.
The wind outside is biting.
It has left me feeling tired & exposed.
You've been asking me to bleed.
It seems these kinds of questions
They come too easy to you now.
Your lack of shame comes naturally.
I should not be suprised.
I should have seen it sooner.
You expect me to apologize
for things that you've done wrong.
While you're inciting others.
You're owning up to nothing
and I wish that I was gone,
because you're not going anywhere.
This damp air
is fighting my defroster.
My sighs they ring victorious
& fog this tinted glass.
It's clouded
& so is my head.
The hint of these new tears are sharp.
I try to choke them back.
But it's useless.
I am useless against them.
They are beating me with ease.
On the way home
this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.
i hope he never hears my confessions. i hope nobody ever finds out. right about now, nobody really knows.. knows who i am, or who he is or what he means to me. maybe i can find some way to let him know. but its definitely not gonna be anytime soon. he's been awfully cold lately. never mind, its his loss anyway.
this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.
This weather.
The wind outside is biting.
It has left me feeling tired & exposed.
You've been asking me to bleed.
It seems these kinds of questions
They come too easy to you now.
Your lack of shame comes naturally.
I should not be suprised.
I should have seen it sooner.
You expect me to apologize
for things that you've done wrong.
While you're inciting others.
You're owning up to nothing
and I wish that I was gone,
because you're not going anywhere.
This damp air
is fighting my defroster.
My sighs they ring victorious
& fog this tinted glass.
It's clouded
& so is my head.
The hint of these new tears are sharp.
I try to choke them back.
But it's useless.
I am useless against them.
They are beating me with ease.
On the way home
this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.
i hope he never hears my confessions. i hope nobody ever finds out. right about now, nobody really knows.. knows who i am, or who he is or what he means to me. maybe i can find some way to let him know. but its definitely not gonna be anytime soon. he's been awfully cold lately. never mind, its his loss anyway.
Sunday, March 06, 2005
collide
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah
I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide
I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide
Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide
i think i love you now. please don't ever leave. i hope you never find out.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
won't take no for an answer...
i wont take no for an answer. i cant believe how close-minded and shallow he is. i hate him, i hate him, i hate him. i cant believe he wont let me go. i'd rather die than say no. why cant he see it my way??? he's so shallow and selfish, he's driving me insane! i'm glad he's always away, and heck i wish he'd be away the same time i'd have to leave. i hate him i hate him i hate him. i regret ever going here. no wonder i was having thousands of second thoughts about going here. i reckon i now know why.
yet again i am hung up on another guy. i knew the others were just playing me like a fool. well newsflash: I AINT STUPID. i'm not brilliant either, but i definitely am not stupid. i knew all those stories were too good to be true.
let's talk about other things, shall we? yet again i am smitten, weak, call it what you want --- just dont call it LURVE cause it definitely aint lurve. trust me. well, i'm back in the game again and here i am for the nth time, trying to figure out things that do not need figuring out in the first place. oh how i feel pathetic right at this moment. but honestly, i go crazy at the sight of him. i hold my breath every time he talks to me. i melt at the slightest touch from his fingers. my heart skips a beat whenever he hugs me. and worst of all, i squeal and scream whenever i get the chance. i hate this. i never knew february could get so depressing. but then again, it is that time of year again, when i --- yes i --- am the loneliest person on earth.
to whoever is reading this right now, i know i dont make sense. better yet, dont try and figure me out because i'll just drive you nuts. take whatever i write for what it truly is --- a bunch of gibberish.
yet again i am hung up on another guy. i knew the others were just playing me like a fool. well newsflash: I AINT STUPID. i'm not brilliant either, but i definitely am not stupid. i knew all those stories were too good to be true.
let's talk about other things, shall we? yet again i am smitten, weak, call it what you want --- just dont call it LURVE cause it definitely aint lurve. trust me. well, i'm back in the game again and here i am for the nth time, trying to figure out things that do not need figuring out in the first place. oh how i feel pathetic right at this moment. but honestly, i go crazy at the sight of him. i hold my breath every time he talks to me. i melt at the slightest touch from his fingers. my heart skips a beat whenever he hugs me. and worst of all, i squeal and scream whenever i get the chance. i hate this. i never knew february could get so depressing. but then again, it is that time of year again, when i --- yes i --- am the loneliest person on earth.
to whoever is reading this right now, i know i dont make sense. better yet, dont try and figure me out because i'll just drive you nuts. take whatever i write for what it truly is --- a bunch of gibberish.
Saturday, January 15, 2005
dont believe anything i say
as i stare at the computer screen, nothing seems to come to my mind. i know i have a million and one things to say, but i just can't bring myself to say them. but here goes nothing:
so many bad things have happened in my life and in the world around us. although everyone sees me politely smiling when they pass by, they don't know that i'm just faking it. they don't know that i'm slowly dying - although not literally, i feel that my essence is slowly slipping away from me. they don't know that i wake up in the middle of the night, crying for no apparent reason. they dont know that i feel like the loneliest person on earth even though i'm surrounded by supportive friends and a loving family. they dont know that i trudge through everyday, dragging myself as i go along. they dont know that the days seem to be the same to me - that every day is merely a blur. nobody knows that i'm so overwhelmed with the sense of hopelessness that i'm actually reconsidering doing the one thing i swore i would never do again.
i never thought all this pretending would drain the life out of me. i never thought i would get tired of it. and although i would like to stop pretending and become a misnomer, i know well enough i wouldnt be able to pull it off. i reckon being myself - the real real me - would be even more tiring because i dont even know who i really am in the first place. even if i keep on muttering that this happens to the best of us, who am i kidding? i know well enough to realize that i was never the best at anything. lucky, maybe, but never the best.
and so i am left with one mind-boggling question: what is my place in the world? why am i here and what is it that i am supposed to do?
so many bad things have happened in my life and in the world around us. although everyone sees me politely smiling when they pass by, they don't know that i'm just faking it. they don't know that i'm slowly dying - although not literally, i feel that my essence is slowly slipping away from me. they don't know that i wake up in the middle of the night, crying for no apparent reason. they dont know that i feel like the loneliest person on earth even though i'm surrounded by supportive friends and a loving family. they dont know that i trudge through everyday, dragging myself as i go along. they dont know that the days seem to be the same to me - that every day is merely a blur. nobody knows that i'm so overwhelmed with the sense of hopelessness that i'm actually reconsidering doing the one thing i swore i would never do again.
i never thought all this pretending would drain the life out of me. i never thought i would get tired of it. and although i would like to stop pretending and become a misnomer, i know well enough i wouldnt be able to pull it off. i reckon being myself - the real real me - would be even more tiring because i dont even know who i really am in the first place. even if i keep on muttering that this happens to the best of us, who am i kidding? i know well enough to realize that i was never the best at anything. lucky, maybe, but never the best.
and so i am left with one mind-boggling question: what is my place in the world? why am i here and what is it that i am supposed to do?
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