because you, my dear, are a walking contradiction of sorts.

you say you want uniqueness, yet you want to be treated like a paid mindless drone. you say you hate capitalism and the corporate world, yet you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth and crave to keep it there. you say you want to help others, yet its really yourself that you want to help. sounds accurate? well, they say the truth hurts. deal with it.

more than just a dream.

You were definitely more than just a dream. You are most entirely a beautiful nightmare. I cannot believe that I met you and out of the blue, you brought me somewhere that I cannot truly explain. Fitz and The Tantrums have got you down in a song - you are more than just a dream. 

You were a mist that surrounded me. At first, I tried to look for you and catch you in my hand. But when I let go and let things be, that was when you came back and enveloped me. Indeed, when I decided to let it be, you came back, more intense than ever. And just as quickly as you came, so did you vanish. 

I still can't believe it happened. It was amazing. It was everything I imagined and more. I try to retrace my steps that night, just to get a glimpse of you. I try to push the thoughts away, but the warmth of your hands keep pulling me back to that moment. It was everything I ever wanted, but it was a single, solitary moment. 

They say that we wane too quickly. That we don't immerse ourselves in the moments and we let it pass us by. We don't look back and try to examine the moment. But trust me, you are one thing I will keep examining over and over again. And I will do so until I have worn the memory out like an old record, or until I forget. Until then, I will see you again in my dreams, my midnight kiss. 

lost and found.

This morning, I found a form of prose from a writer named Lang Leav. It goes:

Amends

I wonder if there will be a morning when you'll wake up missing me. That same incident in your life, would have finally taught you the value of my worth. And you will feel a surge of longing, when you remember how I was good to you.

When this day comes I hope you will look for me. I hope you will look with the kind of conviction I'd always hoped for, but never had from you. Because I want to be found. And I hope it will be you - who finds me.

But I think it should end differently, though. it should be: 

Because I want to be found. And I hope when you look for me, I won't be around. 

Science and Faith

I like looking at you laugh. It makes the heaviness go away.

I like listening to your stories. They keep me attentive and occupies the space in my cluttered brain. I appreciate that you take up all the space, because I can't keep thinking about all the negativity anymore.

I like talking to you. You look (or at least pretend to look) like you're really interested in what I have to say.

I like the fact that you give me the time of day, because some days, I really could use the company and the anonymity.

hey there.

what happened to us? we were so good together - or at least i thought so. i don't really know what you were thinking, i'm guessing you never really let me in. i thought we were best friends and that we could share anything with each other without fear of humiliation or judgement. but when i really needed you, you decided to judge me and toss me out the window instead.

i hate that this is still bothering me. that you are still in my thoughts and that you chose to push me away. i still think we can fix this, but i guess this is all up to you now. i just hope i don't wake up one day and realize that the love that was once there is gone, that i don't feel anything anymore.

the mixed tape.

drag me out to a deserted island with a guitar, an iPod, and a glass of water, and we can call it quits. you know, i used to stare at the door for hours hoping against hope that you'll walk through that door. i guess there's no use for that now. what use is there when hope is actually gone?

"this mix can burn a hole in anyone, but it was you i was thinking of."

time to say goodbye.

it's a lonely ride on a midnight train.

chill. relax. steady. center yourself. i get it, i really do. i just, how i wish you were here. i swing from okay to numb to sad to angry and back again in 5 seconds. i can't do this to myself anymore.

how can i smile when there are tears in my eyes?

farewell.

never felt this kind of cold before

a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do and a boy has to become a man. and i'm sorry for saying but it's love that i need and it's love that i can't get from you.

guilty pleasure.

hello.

i honestly don't know what to say to you right now. some days i can't breathe and i want to punch a hole in my heart, hoping the air will actually fill my lungs.

tears sting my eyes on a daily basis. so many things i want to ask you. some days i want to shake you so vigorously, hoping the answers will just fall out.

why. one question. just one. but its the worst one and it kills me every single day. waking up is, well, it's torture. is this what you have always wanted for me?

what else are you hiding from me? which moments were real and which ones were a lie?

i still don't understand why you let your fear get the best of you and drown you. didn't you notice the lifeline i tried to throw you? or maybe you didn't want to notice.

no one needs to understand how i feel. it's just there - and you, you yanked everything from right under me.