learning to breathe...

“…if I just say I miss you, it will never be heard. Let my heart whisper all that it needs to...”

That about sums it ALL up. I did say I missed him, and I guessed it wasn’t heard. My heart IS whispering all that it needs to, but no one is listening. Really, how could he make me take a start, and just leave me here hanging; I can’t even say how I’m feeling. How could he make me break my heart? Well if I can’t say I miss him, then this is what I’m going to say…

The predominant feeling I have is one near desperation. I really want to tell him how I feel. That I am starting to like him and I’m afraid that there is no turning back. Know the song “Swept Away” by Christopher Cross? That’s it! That’s exactly it. I don’t want to sound conceited but I believe that we feel it whenever someone likes us. And unfortunately, I felt that vibe. Take note: FELT. And I guess I was afraid because I ran away from this feeling and I started ignoring him. Without a doubt, I pushed him away. Now, I am mindful that I have regretted having acted upon that decision. I do not know how or why, but I guess I felt unworthy of such notice. Let’s just say that I want him. I really do. And it’s the nearest thing I have to that of clarity. The thought of having him is so lucid in my mind that all other thoughts have been pushed to the back of my head. Nothing is as clear as the image of his face when I close my eyes.

I know I’m ridiculously notorious for obscenely long blogs, but that’s just me. And besides, I feel as if I have to let it all out or else my stereo will later be blasting ‘mopey’ songs while I sob my eyes out. I guess this is my way of shouting to the world how I feel.

Feel. That’s about one of the most used word in this blogspot. Maybe that’s because I’m really good at it. Feeling, I mean. And I’m afraid that’s about the ONLY thing I’m good at. Feeling. My emotions keep me on edge every day because they’re as unpredictable as my cousin’s mood swings. Don’t be fooled, I’m not irrational. I’m just emotional.

Sigh. I can’t stop thinking about him. Do realize that I’m only talking about one guy in all my blogs. Though I might have fooled people into thinking that I am ‘boy-crazy’ by acting as if I have tons of crushes, don’t be stupid. I know the demarcation line between crush and likes (although I haven’t really found the clear distinction between likes and loves). And this guy is a LIKE. Hopefully, he won’t be a CRUSHED anytime soon.

See? This is the sole reason why I want to keep myself busy. Loads of activities deter me from thinking like this. It deters me from emotions and leads me back to logic and technical stuff. Definitely none of this LURVE bullshit whenever I’m up to my throat in work.

I’ve learned from the movie “Original Sin” that there are people who give in to love and those that run away from it because they are afraid and they feel that they are unworthy of it. I realize that I fall into the second category. I’ve been running ever since I could remember. And I just want to stop. I’m tired of running and I just want to give in to it. Maybe it’ll do me wonders.

whatnots

what I’m listening to:
Cannonball: Damien Rice
Take Me Away: Lifehouse

What I’m feeling now: confused, angry, sad, tired, sleepy… over-all, I’m melancholic these days. I feel like crying but the tears just wont flow. I’m feeling pretty pretentious for the past few months because I don’t know who I really am anymore. I’m tired of wearing facades, of keeping in what I really want to say. Its like we were made to live out lies and hide the truth. No amount of whatnots will dissuade me from the fact that no person is EVER 100% true about who he or she truly is. Its sad how we never really open up to anyone in particular. Its as if it takes for a measly blogspot for us to really express what we aren’t able to say.

Isn’t it funny how the ones we love never really seem to love us back? Only 1 out of a million people can say that something short of a fairytale ever happened to them.

Cautious people aren’t really about risks, are they? But then again, living and loving is all about risks. Have you ever wondered what might have happened if nobody took a risk? Heck, I probably wouldn’t be here today.

I watched Kate and Leopold earlier this week and a line in that movie really struck me: Love is a leap. I’ve just never been inspired to jump. Or maybe I am? Maybe right about now, I am ready to jump, it’s just that I’m not sure if the other person is ready to do so too. It’s like one of those hot and cold situations. One day he’s so into you, the next its as if you never really existed. Whatever happened to all those fairytales we’ve so carefully built love upon? Maybe those cynics are right: when it comes to love, we are all idealistic. And it just ends there. Its just an idea, a thought, an image made up in our mind but never really applies to reality. Here’s one thing I know I need: A REALITY CHECK.

I asked one very “wise” person earlier today: Whatever happened to us? And I guess it rings true. Whatever happened to all of us?

Cannonball
Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth / Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt / Still a little hard to say what's going on / Still a little bit of your ghost your witness / Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed / You step a little closer each day / Still I can't say what's going onStones taught me to fly / Love taught me to lie / Life taught me to die / So it's not hard to fall / When you float like a cannonballStill a little bit of your song in my ear / Still a little bit of your words I long to hear / You step a little closer to me / So close that I can't see what's going onStones taught me to fly / Love taught me to lie / Life taught me to die / So it's not hard to fall / When you float like a cannonStones taught me to fly / Love taught me to cry / So come on courage! / Teach me to be shy / 'Cause it's not hard to fall / And I don't wanna scare her / It's not hard to fall / And I don't wanna lose / It's not hard to grow / When you know that you just don't know

So, here’s the truth: I’m smitten. I’m smitten over a guy and I want him so much it just aches to think about it. But of course, he doesn’t know. Then again, I wish he did so that this whole thing would just get easier. I don’t know how he can go about sending me cute little messages and not sense what I’m feeling. Either he’s dense… or I am. But I’m still crazy about him.

Take Me Away
This time what I want is you. / There is no one else who can take your place. / This time you burn me with your eyes, / You see past all the lies, / You take it all away. I've seen it all, / And it's never enough. / It keeps leaving me needing you. Take me away. / Take me away. / I've got nothin' left to say, / Just take me away. I try to make my way to you, / But still I feel so lost. / I don't know what else I can do, 'Cause I've seen it all, / And it's never enough. / It keeps leaving me needing you. Take me away. / Take me away. / I've got nothin' left to say, / Just take me away. Don't give up on me yet, / Don't forget who I am. / I know I'm not there yet, / But don't let / Me stay here alone. I've seen it all and it's never enough. / It keeps leaving me needing you. / I've seen enough and it's never enough. / It keeps leaving me needing you. Take me away. / Take me away. / I've got nothin' left to say, / Just take me away. / Take me away... / Take me away...

And that’s as honest as I can get.

first-ever blog!!!

this is nice. my first-ever blog.. imagine me: the "UNtechno-savviest person" on earth creating a blogspot.. isnt that something?? oh well, once i learn more about this thang... world beware!!! hahaha.. nonetheless, the world should still beware. these are my thoughts. this is the real me...uncensored and vindicated... ;)