another unanswered request

i really don't know what to say or what to do. i just really want to get away.

in the meantime, i'm proud of myself. i am the 5671st petitioner against Petron Corporation for what they have done to the Guimaras Island andt the 3362nd petitioner for an immediate call to action from the Philippine government about the Guimaras oil spill.

other than that, i'm down in the dumps.

i hate the feeling of just waking up and realizing that you want to be somebody else. and so i tried to pretend that i was somebody else and dressed up differently. but of course, i couldn't give myself up entirely and so i kept the bracelet on. and i compromised. so i ended up wearing this pink blouse that i haven't worn in ages and the black leather shoes with 2 1/2 inch heels that i bought last year but have probably worn it twice in this lifetime. plus i fixed my hair, wore earrings and even threw on a little make-up. i even went to the extremes of acting like brooke. but to my dismay, although it worked wonders in putting up the facade that i wanted to show, it did nothing to ease the pain that i was nursing.

i guess even pretending isn't the solution to everything.

so then we turn to lying and wish that we can lie to ourselves.

helplessness and the problem with death.

at this moment, i can't breathe and i'm feeling utterly helpless. helpless because i have a very complicated paper to finish which was just made known to me this morning. now i don't wanna start it yet because i don't know how and i don't know what to do.

last night, i called him up for some business matters. it seemed like his voice now sounded cold. was it because he was tired? was it because he was preoccupied with things? or was it mainly because it was i who called and he does not wish to speak to me, or some twisted thought like that?

and then the question: am i causing him trouble? am i making things hard for him, and for myself as well?

the only solution that seems viable now, then, is death. with death, everything will come to an end. homework, thesis, papers, problems, life. but then, the problem would be that there would also be no more music, ice cream, movies, coffee, or even the sweet serenity of holding hands. perhaps it will all just be... blank.

and then it seems that death is the only option.

down and depressed, all day, everyday.

well, let's start with how i feel right now: sad, lonely, depressed, angry, helpless, unlovable, numb, pissed off.

and that's just the surface. there's still a lot more where that came from, like abandoned, forgotten, taken for granted, afraid - that kind of stuff.

some days, i feel like there's no cure for this except a way out. i can't wait until graduation, but i'm dreading it as well. BUT AS OF THE MOMENT - graduation and leaving is all i can think about. i don't want to think about him, about all the things bothering me right now.

but of course, knowing me, even if i don't want to think about it, i still do. my mind gives me no comfort in resting for even in sleep i stil dream about it. it doesn't matter anyway. perhaps i was - or have always been - meant for doom.

i dunno, i hate what has been happening. i hate life. i hate you. i hate me.

im so hateful.

8 seconds

right now, i'm lying on the sofa as my cousin is figuring out what song to dance to.

typical me, im burned out and bummed. burned out because i spent almost 24 hours working on a thesis that i don't think i'm ever gonna.. and bummed out because i've finally realized a hell of a lot of things that i should have realized before hand.

first off, i realized that i have just been misreading hig signals all along. on a typical night that we were trying to talk, i apparently misread what he was blatantly trying to say. that got me thinking: have i been misreading everything all along?

second, i think it's time to move on. i finally found someone who, technically, isnt really new but just came back. maybe this time, i can try my luck with him.

third, im really tired and i've got a million things to finish by tomorrow or im gonna die. literally.

fourth, i forgot to call my dad, which is a total bummer. and when i say bummer, i really do mean it. i don't know if he's waiting for my call but its too late and if i call him i might just end up waking him up. bummer.

last but not the least - i hate me.