as i stare at the computer screen, nothing seems to come to my mind. i know i have a million and one things to say, but i just can't bring myself to say them. but here goes nothing:
so many bad things have happened in my life and in the world around us. although everyone sees me politely smiling when they pass by, they don't know that i'm just faking it. they don't know that i'm slowly dying - although not literally, i feel that my essence is slowly slipping away from me. they don't know that i wake up in the middle of the night, crying for no apparent reason. they dont know that i feel like the loneliest person on earth even though i'm surrounded by supportive friends and a loving family. they dont know that i trudge through everyday, dragging myself as i go along. they dont know that the days seem to be the same to me - that every day is merely a blur. nobody knows that i'm so overwhelmed with the sense of hopelessness that i'm actually reconsidering doing the one thing i swore i would never do again.
i never thought all this pretending would drain the life out of me. i never thought i would get tired of it. and although i would like to stop pretending and become a misnomer, i know well enough i wouldnt be able to pull it off. i reckon being myself - the real real me - would be even more tiring because i dont even know who i really am in the first place. even if i keep on muttering that this happens to the best of us, who am i kidding? i know well enough to realize that i was never the best at anything. lucky, maybe, but never the best.
and so i am left with one mind-boggling question: what is my place in the world? why am i here and what is it that i am supposed to do?
