darkness

there is no single point of trauma that I can think of to explain how or why i react the way that i do. we were never poor, i was never molested, i have no near-death experiences i can recall.

and yet, there is a recurring darkness that threatens to overcome me, that overwhelms me at certain points in my life.

and more often than not, the only way out is into the darkness.

almost lover

This is torture. This whole situation is absolute torture. Dear Universe, you and I both know this is not what I signed up for. I was pretty clear about my parameters, and I even made a list. Ha, a list! What part of that list was not clear for you? Why do you always do this to me? And I ask you why, you don't even give me an answer.

I'm sick of this. I'm sick of all these reruns. I am so done. When I get home, that'll be the last straw. And I think it's high time to finally do what I'd always been planning to all alone. Time to go to the final destination.

love letter to no one in particular.

Hi there. I've been waiting patiently for you.

I've gone through every heartbreak imaginable, I've been good and tried not to break anyone's heart - or at least I try to. I've been working on myself to make sure that I'm the best version of me for you. I've been working on my career so that I'm busy during my wait.

Yet I can't help it - I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop thinking about the kids we'll have, how in love we will be, how it will all feel so amazing, all-consuming, like our hearts will burst any minute now. I can't wait to have week-long conversations with you, walking around town and talking about non-sense.

I'm so sick of getting my heart broken over and over again in my wait for you. Because truth be told, I don't know where you are now, or when you're gonna get here, so in between, I've been trying to find some recipient of all this love that I have and want to give and share. Maybe I've been looking in the wrong places, I don't know. But all I know is this - when you get here, we will defy anything that we've both ever felt, and it will feel like home.

It's 8:51PM and I'm feeling poetic.

Dear You,

Have you ever had those days when you just felt like the world could have been an empty abyss, and it would feel the same? Or those days when you wake up and it could be the same day over and over again and it didn't matter? Those are mostly my days these past few weeks. And by past few weeks I mean since New Year. I try not to be superstitious, but I'll have to admit, the start of the year wasn't very encouraging.

I wish you were here now, listening to my endless rants and telling me that things will be okay. We both know you have no way of knowing if things will indeed be okay, but just hearing you tell me it will be, seems to make things better.

I miss you. No, wait. I don't miss you - that means that you're not here with me. I love you. That means that you will always be with me, no matter where you are or what happens. That means that you live on in my heart, and that your memory will always be alive within me.

I hope you're doing fine wherever you are.

Hello, Self. Hello, 2018.

It's that time of the year again - when another year is slowly ushered into fruition. Or, basically, the last day of 2017. Don't know why I needed fluff to open the paragraph. Here's a weird photo of me instead:

Anyway. What a year. It has been a rollercoaster ride - to say the least. I did not know one could have as many ups and downs as I experienced this year. Let's see, what were the things I experienced this year?

The good:

• I became a yoga teacher
• I started teaching yoga regularly
• I started climbing (indoor, too chicken to do outdoor yet) 
• My consulting career is actually picking up (I wanted to write thriving, but who am I kidding?)

The bad:

• The yoga studio I loved (and taught at) closed
• Another heartbreak and lost opportunity at love (so melodramatic) 
• I had to sell my first car because it is dying on me
• I had more injuries than all my 30 years combined, all because now, I'm 'physically active'
• My depression came back (and then left again)

The ugly:

• I'm back on the dating scene (and I'm sick and tired of the whole "hi, what do you do? what are your likes/dislikes?"; small talk tires me out TBH)
• I'll need to audition again if I want to keep teaching yoga (I'm naturally an insecure introvert so this is a very real struggle for me)
• I realized I haven't processed (let alone accepted) the fact that I lost my mom

Again - what a year. But, in all of these, there's always something that I've learned. I learned that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, even if sometimes I sure as hell want to give up. I learned I'm resilient and resourceful, and when I really set my mind to it, I can achieve things I never thought I could. I also learned I am a serial procrastinator when given the chance, and when it hits me, there will be emails unread and messages I will not respond to. I learned it's okay to say no, to not be okay, and to choose yourself for a change.

Yet there are some things that I also want to change and do more of, because there's always room for improvement. These are in no means my New Year's resolution, because I found out I don't do well with resolutions. They are, however, a list of things I'm pretty sure I can do (and you can definitely call me out on this at any point in time during 2018).

Here are some of the things I want to do more of in and some of the things I know I need to do (even back in 2017):

• Keep practicing patience (in everything, especially when waiting in line or in traffic)
• Stick to my yoga practice + swimming + climbing combo (ha, sounds like a mixture of things you do in a video game)
• Keep thinking out of the box and making finding creative solutions a regular thing
• Be more grateful and appreciative, by saying 'thank you' more often, or telling people why I appreciate them
• Be more gritty
• Apologize and be accountable for your mistakes (and I know I've made a... lot)...
• ... but try not to be overly apologetic
• Write more letters (this has always been something I've wanted to do, since I want to relive the glory days of letter-writing)
• Be more loving and compassionate (especially to that damn car or that guy that cuts me in line)
• Be more kind and forgiving (especially to all the ghosts in my life LOL)
• (In relation to previous point) Learn to let go
• Be authentic, even if it's scary
• Stop worrying about money (it sounds like a cliché, but it really is just money)
• Read that email! 
• Reply to that text!
• Meditate! (and just breathe!)
• Continue my daily Reiki practice
• Keep writing in my journal (and maybe blog more? IDK)
• Travel more!
• Prepare more meals for myself and others
• Do the things that scare you, and remember that the Universe has your back

This is probably not a comprehensive list, but these are the intentions I'm setting as 2018 begins. I'm sure this'll change, or lengthen, depending on how life chooses to happen. But I'm pretty happy with this list, and hopefully, I can keep doing these, and then some.

Thank YOU for making it to this part of the blog and, well, Happy New Year! 

P.S. I suck at endings so we'll just have to pretend I ended this blog post with something either: a) witty; b) funny; or, c) insightful. Choose your own adventure! :) 

hi. or, more appropriately, bye.

i knew from the start you were trouble. my gut told me so, and i repeatedly ignored it. lesson learned - always listen to your intuition.

i know i'll never get an answer from you, and i particularly dislike the fact that you made up this facade of you being one thing, but actually are the complete opposite of what you said. i want to ask you so many things, especially why you lied. But alas, these are questions that will always remain unanswered, as i have no more time, energy, or patience to deal with you.

i will always dislike ghosts. and today is the day i purge you out of my life.

It's annoying. Really.

This is a bad idea. Replying to you was a terrible idea. And the fact that you engaged further in conversation? The worst.

This eats at me like cancer - wise words from the band Bad Suns. A band, which, uncannily enough, will always, always remind me of you. No matter what song, and even if they have a new album out. An album that we never even listened to together. The first album though, boy, what fond memories do I have with that.

Some days, I feel like I've run out of luck in this whole life and love thing. Like I keep saying, light and love can only bring you so far. I mean, light and love can't pay the bills after all. And no amount of it can get you out of my head. Seriously, why? I thought I was over this. And then you decide to drop me a line. WHY.

You are annoying. But what's more annoying is how my whole being is reacting (responding?) to this.