life got cold

life got cold - girls aloud

we text as we eat
as we listen to the freaks
as we wait for the right of way
we text as we talk
we're running as we walk
cos we're several little souls away
we smoke as we choke
as we sink another Coke
and we grin when it blows our mind
we skate as we date
as we slowly suffocate
we're running, we're running, we're running
out of time
my life got cold
it happened many years ago
when summer slipped away
so chill now oh
we've got many years to go
so take it day by day
and long ago
i lost my soul
to some forgotten dream and
how was I supposed to know
it wasn't what it seemed
and even though the last hello
has left me on the floor
i don't believe in Romeos or heroes anymore
we spend as we mend
cos we're happy to pretend
everything's gonna be OK
we shake as we break
never giving 'til we take
and we hate when we have to pay
we flirt while we work
to forget about the hurt
and the trash that we left behind
we sink as we swim
the ice is wearing thin
we're running, we're running, we're running
out of time
my life got cold
it happened many years ago
when summer slipped away
so chill now oh
we've got many years to go
so take it day by day
and long ago
i lost my soul
to some forgotten dream and
how was I supposed to know
it wasn't what it seemed
and even though the last hello
has left me on the floor
i don't believe in Romeos or heroes anymore
my life got cold
it happened many years ago
when summer slipped away
so chill now oh
we've got many years to go
so take it day by day
and on the go
i lost my soul
to some forgotten dream and
how was I supposed to know
it wasn't what it seemed
and even though the last hello
has left me on the floor
i don't believe in Romeos or heroes anymore

sucks to be me.

it's about time

its weird but i cant seem to stop listening to sad songs today... my head is aching and my eyes are red... go figure... i'm listening to the verve pipe right now, just gotta love their song "freshmen". .. funny thing about me these days is that i seem to be terribly inclined to anything punk and angry.. figures. i'm guessing the holidays aren't going too well for me. but don't get me wrong, i love the holidays...just lounging around and doing nothing....

i'm thinking of sending him a novel... well, actually, its a long letter filled with all my feelings, emotions, and discrepancies regarding what happened between the both of us... but then again, my friend told me not to do so. i really dont remember why she told me not to, but she must've probably had a good reason for doing so. i dunno. thoughts are running through my mind right now. i really dont want to keep it all bottled up. i want to walk up to him and tell it all right in fron of his face. but then again, i dont think i have the guts to do so. funny how we can bravely say anything to ourselves and to our friends, but we never really end up doing it. goes to show the mouth is bigger than the brain.

my mom just informed me of the disasters plaguing the asian region. how sad. its weird, though, how all these calamities regarding the water is happening this time of the year in the most bountiful continent in the world. first the typhoons, now the tidal waves and tsunamis. what's next, Godzilla? -- okay, i'm thinking the rhetorical question isnt really helpful, or funny for that matter, but i just wanted to throw in that pun for no obvious reason. dont mind me. the weirdness of my being is just getting to me.

hmm... i just love the calling. cant seem to stop listening to their records... if only love could find us all...

shame on me

i cannot believe i fell into this trap yet again... but wait, i seem to get hauled in by that bait every single time... i just cannot believe im stupefied by this guy who tries to act all cute and shit and actually has a girlfriend.. i also cannot believe that it happened to me four times in a row... im guessing another one like it will break my heart and might just kill me this time.. right now i'm listening to TC and one song just took the words out of my mouth:

what's the way of love?

tell me your fiction / tell me your lies / say to me now you'll never forget this night / i'm feeling emotionless / my head's so clear / my enemies aren't the ones i fear / you know your kiss confuses / this troubling soul / and i found out / that we're all breaking hearts / yeah we're all broken hearts

if only love could find us all / if only hearts didn't have to fall / we can't mislead to make things / so instead we'll sleep alone tonight

what's the way of love?

you are thinking im crazy / but you're blushing of lust / i've heard a lot of nice things / but tell me which ones i'm to trust / the walls are made of glass / and they have been known to crack / but until then / you keep pushing my way / i'll keep pushing you away

if only love could find us all / if only hearts didn't have to fall / we can't mislead to make things right / so instead we'll sleep alone tonight, yeah

well if you wanna take a chance / and try to make things right / you better have a reason to be loved / yeah we all want something more / that it is worth fighting for

if only love could find us all / if only hearts didn't have to fall / we can't mislead to make things right / so instead we'll sleep alone tonight

and if somehow fate were in my hands / would it be enough to understand / why we feel lost in a world so small / if only love could find us all -"If Only" The Calling

i don't understand why things never turn out the way they're supposed to be. its like fate is - in itself - twisted that it never ever ends up right. but then again maybe it isnt my time yet. but if you really think about it, when is my time? when i'm shriveled, old, and gray?! or maybe when i'm laid in a coffin?! its so unbelievable how certain songs remind me of a certain exact feeling at an exact time whenever i hear that song over and over again. sometimes, its heartbreakingly accurate that the song is immediately associated with the person in question.

another funny thing is how music is so intricately woven into my life that if i lose my music, its as if i lose my only outlet of self-expression. lets just say i see myself in what i listen to. my moods are dictated by the kind of music that i listen to. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that if you really want to know how I feel right about now, just listen to the songs “if only” by The Calling and “life got cold” by Girls Aloud. Maybe then someone could actually help me out.

fate

Isn’t it funny how certain people read too much into body language or words or even simple text messages? Isn’t it equally as hilarious when we assume that a simple ‘hi’ could be translated to something deep as ‘I like you’? I’ve noticed that we read too much into little everyday notions. I really don’t wanna name names but if you find yourself in the same situation, please do remember that asking you out on a date ISN’T TANTAMOUNT to asking your hand in marriage so please…if anyone asks you out and you happen to like that person, then say yes, go out and have fun. It’s as simple as that.

Then there’s this self-righteous girl preaching that we girls shouldn’t think that it’s important to have a boyfriend because we can live on our own. Okay, missy, we can live on our own but don’t you think that you’re being a little hypocrite? You’re only sixteen and you’ve had 2 ‘boytoys’ and I’m 18 but I’ve never been close to having a boyfriend before. The way I see it, you just crashed and burned too many times that a mental picture of all male species on this planet has been permanently etched in your mind. Fine, kudos to your new Miss Independent image because we all wish to be independent someday but come on lady, you’re already committing a logical fallacy here by making hasty generalizations. So there!

Today has been one of the weirdest days I have ever encountered. Let me enumerate why:

1. Only once in a blue moon does my mom go shopping and – gasp – she went shopping with me. She even bought me tons of new stuff (mom! Is that really you!?!?) Heck, she’s been with me all day. From bringing my dad to the airport to her daily errands to lunch at KFC and shopping. Not only that but when we finally reached the airport, my dad realized that he left his passport at home which was a good 30 minutes drive from the airport and it was 9:25 am and his flight was at 10:10 mind you. Trust me, if a car could just fly, I swear, we would have flown.. we actually got there in record time. Guinness Book of Records, here we come!

2. Free shirts are a gift from heaven.. Right? Right! So why is it that I turned down an offer to get one from my mom? I mean, we were out shopping right, and then there was this perfect shirt lying right there in front of me. Think: Black striped shirt in just the perfect size and fit for my body type. Truly perfect. But NOOOO, i just had to politely decline the offer. What the…??!!?

3. My sister (who is only 13, mind you) added yet another guy to her list which I fondly call the “boyfriend collection”. And mind you, she’s been eyeing this guy for months. Please be reminded, though, that this guy is the best friend of her ex-boyfriend.. huh?!?!!

4. My mom lovingly reminded me that maybe it’s just not my time yet and that maybe, I should wait a little longer. If someone should be reminded to wait, it should be my sister, don’t ya think!? Heck, I’m 18 and I’ve been eternally single and she’s had, well just 2 boytoys (to the best of my knowledge, I remember its 2.. or is it?) and she’s what.. 13?!?! I rest my case.

One thing I really am going to complain about is that: why is everybody in a serious relationship or getting married??? Maybe it’s just me. Or worse, maybe I’m just getting old. I’m guessing everyone’s going to go through this, right? Yeah, every one.. Oh wait, except me of course. Welcome to the world of the Eternally Single.

Another question: why are all the cute guys taken? Even worst, why are they queer or are priests? What is the world coming to today?!?!

Okay, I’m the biggest liar ever. I go on saying that I’m over him but the truth is, I’m just pretending that I am. So, I guess the joke’s on me again. But soon enough, the tables will turn, I will have him in the palm of my hands and I will make him go ‘round and ‘round in circles…bwahahahaha!!!

welcome to my world

One of the biggest things I’ve EVER regretted is going to this stupid university. I regret ever enrolling in it every single waking day of my life. If I had the chance, I really would have gone to UP. It is one of the best schools this side of the world. If ever you get your acceptance letter to that school, DO NOT PASS UP THAT CHANCE! Beg, Plead – heck, even cajole – your parents into letting you go to that University. And, if in any case, they do not listen, run away. I’m serious. I really hate my school. This whole situation is pathetic that I cannot even begin to fathom it. I swear, where I’ll be after I graduate from this so-called “Quality” school is one HUGE mystery to me. Think: Deceitful School Administration, Incompetent Teachers, Apathetic Classmates, Redundant Subjects… its one pretty picture, isn’t it? Can’t wait to brag that to any office that I’m going to try to apply in after studying in that school. It’s so easy, that even a bum could get a 2.0 average and not break a sweat. What the…??!!?!?! I cannot believe that I am here. I swear, even the smallest community colleges back home are so much better than this school. They can’t even produce competent-enough teachers. Let me paint you a picture: You walk in to your first major subject in a year thinking that it’s grand and guess what your “professor” says: “Class, I’m sorry but I’m not really knowledgeable in this subject. This is my first time to teach this…blah, blah, blah.” The same thing MAJOR subject after major subject after major subject. Sure, I get high grades and I’m not complaining because I’m brilliant…NOT. Like I said, even a bum could pass with flying colors. I could even go to my classes with my brain half-dead and still pass all of them without breaking a sweat…. Yeah, yeah, I know. I complain too much. But you would too if you were in my position! And that’s not even half of the anomalies that that stupid school is hiding. Believe me when I say that that school is all kinds of wrong for anyone who believes in brilliance and transparency. And also, trust me when I say that I was being dragged, kicking and screaming just to enroll in it. Honestly? It wasn’t even in my first choices and I can’t do anything about it because my parents won’t let me transfer to a different school.

Check out its website and you’d think it was one piece of art. Sure they have new buildings with air-conditioned classrooms and elevators, but trust me, it isn’t what it seems. Hmm… seems reminiscent of a couple of lines I heard from “Mona Lisa Smile”: “She looks happy, so what does it matter?... Let me tell you, not everything is as it seems.” Just because something looks perfect and polished on the outside, it doesn’t mean that the inside isn’t destroyed and rotting. Just because that stupid school looks great and enormous on the outside, it doesn’t mean that the administration is great too. Trust me, that school is run by the devil himself, a couple of advocates and the rest of his little mean workers as well. Pardon me for being vague about which school I’m talking about or which people I’m describing when I say the devil and his advocates. That’s because the school might get hold of this and bury me alive. Yes - I’m scared of being found out. Hey, I have a right to be human too. Let’s just leave it at that. I’m guessing there are better things to rant about than things that we can’t change in a million years.

It’s funny how TV movies are so jam-packed with all these wise things that sometimes, they’re even better than the big-screen ones. Take it from a girl who was subjected to watching the television for a whole 2 days, these TV movies are so much better – and they’re free too. The only downside is that they talk of one in the same thing – Love. It speaks of it in every single angle imaginable. Aside from that, it only reminds me of my status of eternally single and my lack thereof. Another amazing thing that these TV movies do – at least for me – is that they add to my ever-rising level of cynicism. Seeing as they remind me of my lack in, well, lurve, I tend to make up for my loss by adding a couple of sarcastic remarks here and there. Oh, but don’t be fooled. I was cynical way before I discovered these “lovely” TV movies. Heck, even love songs can’t get away fast enough from my wrath. The weird thing about this whole cynicism thing is that I’m not even heartless. Dense, probably, but definitely not heartless. But then again, if you really thing about it, I guess it’s one of my coping mechanisms. And if you really get down to it, aside from creating facades, sarcastic remarks and cynical comebacks are my specialties. But even deeper than that, you can see that I’m just one of those wounded persons trying to get by life unscathed.

In the past week, I’ve learned tons of new things. It seems as if I learn a new thing everyday. Well anyway, I’ve realized that falling out is part of life. And no matter how painful it is, we all fall out of something. Like, we fall out of situations where we are in love. Or we just come to a point where writing just isn’t as alluring as it was a couple of years ago. Worse than that, sometimes we just realize that there are people who we just can’t talk to anymore. It seems as if time and distance has severed my relationship with them. I can’t seem to reach them like I did before. I can’t talk to them like I could a couple of years before. I just want to go back to the time when I could tell them everything. Now, it just seems like everything I do get on their nerves and vice versa. Whenever I come to see them, I just want to get as far away from them as possible. It even reaches a point where I feel like I actually hate them. Honestly? Maybe I just miss them. Or, maybe, I just changed. And trust me; the change was definitely NOT for the better. I don’t know what happened but I don’t seem to know who I am anymore. I was getting along great, but somewhere in the journey, I changed into someone I don’t even want to be. It’s crazy because I don’t like what I see anymore. In the course of trying to love myself and getting to know me, I think I lost the real me in the process and I hate myself even more. I used to look in the mirror and I could see myself clearly, even if I still needed some work done. But now, I look in the mirror and I see that my eyes are hazy. They’re not clear anymore. Nothing is clear anymore. Nothing is real anymore.

of colors, movies, and clichés

I just got home from someplace where I spent the afternoon with a couple of friends of mine and one of my eye candies. I was wondering why I got myself in the situation. I mean, don’t get me wrong or anything, because I really had fun but… (there’s always a BUT, isn’t there?) I felt like something was wrong. Not only did the shirts add insult to injury (take note that the three of them were wearing white shirts and I was the only one in black) but maybe it was also the fact that I couldn’t relate to most of the stuff they were talking about. I know I don’t really make sense and this whole thing seems shallow, but really, I think something was out of place. But then again, it’s all forgotten now. I’m thinking that things like that, if taken to heart, will just build up to a heart attack. Small things really shouldn’t be taken into great consideration.

One of the services that send me these messages sent me something that really made me rethink a lot of the things that had been happening in my life these past few days. It says: “Be assured that the right person for you will see the beauty of your soul. You don’t have to change anything to be accepted by someone who wishes you were someone else. You’re perfect as you are, and you should be proud of that. Stand up for yourself before someone steps all over you.” I’m guessing this means that I have to accept myself as I really am, flaws and all. It’s ironic how I keep on advocating that “perfection isn’t really the lack of imperfection, rather, you are perfect because you are imperfect” and yet I strive to be a perfectionist within me and with everything I do. As I think about it now, everything that I do is an irony of what I say. I guess it really does stand true that actions speak louder than words. So anything I say now is just about useless as a penny when one wants to buy a car. But if you look at it this way, that penny is also very useful since if you lack even a penny to have the exact amount of money that you need to buy that car, then the penny is rendered useful, don’t you think?

…when everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am…

It’s amazing how people claim that movies are an imitation of life and yet, in reality, it’s the farthest thing from the truth. It’s as if there’s no bigger lie than that of the movie. No matter how they make the protagonist as that of a human being with a bad side, still it seems so polished that even the bad side is helpful in catalyzing the movie, or in most cases, its actually what makes that character so alluring in the first place. Songs, though helpful in expressing oneself also proves to be that of a cliché. Although songs are beautiful in their own right, they seem to tell the same story over and over again. The same can be said of books. No matter how hard they try to create a new genre, even being different is a cliché. What I’m getting at is that everything is typical that even if you break out and try to be different, it still seems that you are conforming. Even the word ‘non-conformist’ is a cliché. In a world where everything is built on lies and deceit, the only thing that is REALLY ‘non-conformist’ is honesty. Truth is the only thing that remains and stands firm when everything else has broken down and seems to be in shambles. Little white lies are seen from every angle. Even withholding something is considered as lying. In our own selves, we are conforming to what the world is dictating. We throw a couple of white lies here and there, and we even create reasons just so we could justify our need for the lies. Maybe rationality is a bad thing. With rationality, it is so easy to turn the tables to our favor and make a bad thing into something good and vice versa. What was once an Eden for humankind, the world has now turned into hell manifested.

learning to breathe...

“…if I just say I miss you, it will never be heard. Let my heart whisper all that it needs to...”

That about sums it ALL up. I did say I missed him, and I guessed it wasn’t heard. My heart IS whispering all that it needs to, but no one is listening. Really, how could he make me take a start, and just leave me here hanging; I can’t even say how I’m feeling. How could he make me break my heart? Well if I can’t say I miss him, then this is what I’m going to say…

The predominant feeling I have is one near desperation. I really want to tell him how I feel. That I am starting to like him and I’m afraid that there is no turning back. Know the song “Swept Away” by Christopher Cross? That’s it! That’s exactly it. I don’t want to sound conceited but I believe that we feel it whenever someone likes us. And unfortunately, I felt that vibe. Take note: FELT. And I guess I was afraid because I ran away from this feeling and I started ignoring him. Without a doubt, I pushed him away. Now, I am mindful that I have regretted having acted upon that decision. I do not know how or why, but I guess I felt unworthy of such notice. Let’s just say that I want him. I really do. And it’s the nearest thing I have to that of clarity. The thought of having him is so lucid in my mind that all other thoughts have been pushed to the back of my head. Nothing is as clear as the image of his face when I close my eyes.

I know I’m ridiculously notorious for obscenely long blogs, but that’s just me. And besides, I feel as if I have to let it all out or else my stereo will later be blasting ‘mopey’ songs while I sob my eyes out. I guess this is my way of shouting to the world how I feel.

Feel. That’s about one of the most used word in this blogspot. Maybe that’s because I’m really good at it. Feeling, I mean. And I’m afraid that’s about the ONLY thing I’m good at. Feeling. My emotions keep me on edge every day because they’re as unpredictable as my cousin’s mood swings. Don’t be fooled, I’m not irrational. I’m just emotional.

Sigh. I can’t stop thinking about him. Do realize that I’m only talking about one guy in all my blogs. Though I might have fooled people into thinking that I am ‘boy-crazy’ by acting as if I have tons of crushes, don’t be stupid. I know the demarcation line between crush and likes (although I haven’t really found the clear distinction between likes and loves). And this guy is a LIKE. Hopefully, he won’t be a CRUSHED anytime soon.

See? This is the sole reason why I want to keep myself busy. Loads of activities deter me from thinking like this. It deters me from emotions and leads me back to logic and technical stuff. Definitely none of this LURVE bullshit whenever I’m up to my throat in work.

I’ve learned from the movie “Original Sin” that there are people who give in to love and those that run away from it because they are afraid and they feel that they are unworthy of it. I realize that I fall into the second category. I’ve been running ever since I could remember. And I just want to stop. I’m tired of running and I just want to give in to it. Maybe it’ll do me wonders.

whatnots

what I’m listening to:
Cannonball: Damien Rice
Take Me Away: Lifehouse

What I’m feeling now: confused, angry, sad, tired, sleepy… over-all, I’m melancholic these days. I feel like crying but the tears just wont flow. I’m feeling pretty pretentious for the past few months because I don’t know who I really am anymore. I’m tired of wearing facades, of keeping in what I really want to say. Its like we were made to live out lies and hide the truth. No amount of whatnots will dissuade me from the fact that no person is EVER 100% true about who he or she truly is. Its sad how we never really open up to anyone in particular. Its as if it takes for a measly blogspot for us to really express what we aren’t able to say.

Isn’t it funny how the ones we love never really seem to love us back? Only 1 out of a million people can say that something short of a fairytale ever happened to them.

Cautious people aren’t really about risks, are they? But then again, living and loving is all about risks. Have you ever wondered what might have happened if nobody took a risk? Heck, I probably wouldn’t be here today.

I watched Kate and Leopold earlier this week and a line in that movie really struck me: Love is a leap. I’ve just never been inspired to jump. Or maybe I am? Maybe right about now, I am ready to jump, it’s just that I’m not sure if the other person is ready to do so too. It’s like one of those hot and cold situations. One day he’s so into you, the next its as if you never really existed. Whatever happened to all those fairytales we’ve so carefully built love upon? Maybe those cynics are right: when it comes to love, we are all idealistic. And it just ends there. Its just an idea, a thought, an image made up in our mind but never really applies to reality. Here’s one thing I know I need: A REALITY CHECK.

I asked one very “wise” person earlier today: Whatever happened to us? And I guess it rings true. Whatever happened to all of us?

Cannonball
Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth / Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt / Still a little hard to say what's going on / Still a little bit of your ghost your witness / Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed / You step a little closer each day / Still I can't say what's going onStones taught me to fly / Love taught me to lie / Life taught me to die / So it's not hard to fall / When you float like a cannonballStill a little bit of your song in my ear / Still a little bit of your words I long to hear / You step a little closer to me / So close that I can't see what's going onStones taught me to fly / Love taught me to lie / Life taught me to die / So it's not hard to fall / When you float like a cannonStones taught me to fly / Love taught me to cry / So come on courage! / Teach me to be shy / 'Cause it's not hard to fall / And I don't wanna scare her / It's not hard to fall / And I don't wanna lose / It's not hard to grow / When you know that you just don't know

So, here’s the truth: I’m smitten. I’m smitten over a guy and I want him so much it just aches to think about it. But of course, he doesn’t know. Then again, I wish he did so that this whole thing would just get easier. I don’t know how he can go about sending me cute little messages and not sense what I’m feeling. Either he’s dense… or I am. But I’m still crazy about him.

Take Me Away
This time what I want is you. / There is no one else who can take your place. / This time you burn me with your eyes, / You see past all the lies, / You take it all away. I've seen it all, / And it's never enough. / It keeps leaving me needing you. Take me away. / Take me away. / I've got nothin' left to say, / Just take me away. I try to make my way to you, / But still I feel so lost. / I don't know what else I can do, 'Cause I've seen it all, / And it's never enough. / It keeps leaving me needing you. Take me away. / Take me away. / I've got nothin' left to say, / Just take me away. Don't give up on me yet, / Don't forget who I am. / I know I'm not there yet, / But don't let / Me stay here alone. I've seen it all and it's never enough. / It keeps leaving me needing you. / I've seen enough and it's never enough. / It keeps leaving me needing you. Take me away. / Take me away. / I've got nothin' left to say, / Just take me away. / Take me away... / Take me away...

And that’s as honest as I can get.

first-ever blog!!!

this is nice. my first-ever blog.. imagine me: the "UNtechno-savviest person" on earth creating a blogspot.. isnt that something?? oh well, once i learn more about this thang... world beware!!! hahaha.. nonetheless, the world should still beware. these are my thoughts. this is the real me...uncensored and vindicated... ;)