blogging without really thinking

what happened today? am i not supposed to be in the comforts of the house. sleeping or reading up on lessons nonetheless? what happened?

here's what happened. i learned im not superwoman. i learned that im not the smart, nor that pretty, nor that witty, nor that savvy, nor any of the things i thought i was even in the littlest of ways. i realized that i am very unhappy. i reached the climax of anger. i walked out on a nonsensical conversation (and i rarely walk out). i was late for a lecture that i was not supposed to miss but i did. i let down the person i was not meaning to. i got left behind and i left someone waiting. i broke someone's fragile heart and i destroyed myself. i imagined a perfectly executed suicide. i have had enough.

here's what might likely happen: although enlightened, i might realize that my enlightenment is no good for i will still let the darkness eat me up and i WILL surrender to it. i might end up giving everything up because i now realize that my holding on to life is no good anymore. i might just open this up to the world so that they will know that they are destroying me. i might just breakdown and cry. i might just consider leaving the world permanently.

here's what i think: the way i see it, i'm not deep. the way i see it, i'm terribly wounded and unfortunately, i chose to show my wounds to the people i supposedly fall in love with, which is really bad because when you're in love with one person you're supposed to put your best foot forward but my absurd mind thinks that the more wounded you are, the more other people will want to save you. the way i see it, misery is my very best friend and it does not want to let me go. the way i see it, life will not let me get off the hook that easily. the way i see it, life is full of temporary happiness that is used to mask the imminent pain that i am to feel for the rest of my life.

no matter what people say, i am (and i feel that i will always be) alone. i am unloved. i am terribly unhappy. i am confused. i am jealous. i am angry. i am lost. i am everybody but myself. i am all over the place. i rant and rant and rant without really saying anything that means something. i am a person that is so full of negative energies, its driving me insane. i am a person that is actually considering checking herself in a mental institution. i might just get some answers there. i'm looking for the answers in the wrong places and i dont know where to find them. but maybe, im asking the wrong questions.

now i sure as hell don't know how to process this. its hard to find angels in hell.