"not many, but much."

sometimes, it's not about how many lives you've changed, but how much change you've brought into their lives. it's not about how many you've fed, but how many you've taught to feed themselves.

really, it's not just the numbers. it's about sustainability.

because you're never really you unless someone says so.

okay. so it's 6 in the morning. maybe too early for anything. but not for psych tests. i took this one online and it said that:

You are in a perpetual quest to find the new, the exciting. Emotionally volatile, you are known for sudden changes of opinion, of appreciation, and behavior. Following rules and established methods is difficult for you and the difficulties of higher education are usually quite daunting. Knowledge is best gained through an intimate association with the matter at hand. Usually driven by attitudes and desires of the group, you are talented in an established field of endeavor. Emotions come and go without a strong understanding of their causes. They are unexpected guests in an otherwise placid landscape. You live by your own codes of conduct, which can be noble or terrible depending on the individual. Authority is meaningless to you. You hate to be predictable, at all costs. Rarely verbally effusive, you can at times feel as if your feelings are too deep for words. You are very observant, but rarely express these observations to others.

okay. true to what the diagnosis says, i don't believe so! haha. BUT! there are certain things that do jump out.  wait, on second thought... i tried to highlight the things that were true, and i ended up highlighting the whole thing. dang. maybe i am volatile. haha.

two "THANK YOU GOD!" moments from yours truly.

While my roommates are still in slumberland, I decided to write this blog entry. So yeah. 


AAAAnyway. Funny story. This morning, after having breakfast with my officemates at the bus station in Naga City, my (sub)teammates and I went to CBD Hotel to check room rates. We talked to the woman at the front desk and found that most of the hotel was occupied and the rooms that weren't were way out of our budget (we also found out that our "bestfriends" were all booked in the hotel so that was the end of it). Since we couldn't stay at that hotel, we went to another (they were full too) and then another. When we finally settled into a livable inn, I started searching for my phone as I remembered that it was dead and I had to charge it. It was then that it dawned on me - i lost the pouch bag that contained my phone AND my ipod. 


Of course, being the hysterical person that I am, I started to panic and I threw all my things on the bed. Yep, nowhere to be found. It was then that my roommate suggested that we call my phone so that I'll hear it ring. Yeah, like that's gonna help (but thank you anyway for the suggestion, Jin). And so I just gathered what was left of my wits and left the hotel to retrace my steps. By retrace I mean: go back to all the hotels that we inquired in. Yes. I went back to ALL THE HOTELS WE VISITED. ON FOOT. Why? Because that's how I roll. 


No, really, because I didn't have change. The first time I took a tricycle back to one hotel, the driver nearly conked me on the head for even trying to pay an 8-peso fare with 100-pesos AT 7 IN THE MORNING. AND NO ONE HAD CHANGE FOR 100 PESOS. Okay, that was stupid of me. But I did have change, it just wasn't enough. I only had 3 pesos in loose change. Thank God (and this is moment #1) the passenger beside me offered to pay the deficit of 5 pesos. THANK YOU GOD! No kidding. I really am thankful.


And so, back to retracing my steps. I went to all the hotels and the last one was CBD Hotel near the bus station. When I entered the reception area, the same woman at the front desk was on the phone. When she saw me, she signaled for me to wait. So I did. And when she got off the phone, LO AND BEHOLD! She handed me back my brown floral pouch bag that contained my cellphone and ipod! THANK YOU GOD! Yes, dearies, this is moment #2. I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooo (and i bet you feel it now too) relieved! she said that I had left it on the countertop and that another guest saw it and gave it to her for safekeeping. She promised she didn't open the pouch but guessed that whatever contents it held was important. Looking back now, I really don't care if she opened it or not. Come to think of it, if she did open the pouch and saw its contents and still returned the pouch to me, well then, she really is an honest person! In my overwhelming state of relief, I asked her for her name (its Virgie, BTW) and profusely thanked her. I then left and walked back to our hotel. 


What did I realize from all these? First, I'm such a klutz. Second, there still really is goodness in the world. We might not see it often, we probably don't even try to look for it, but it's there. And it will surprise you. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, be kind because you'll never know when kindness will return to you. Also, be thankful for everything, even the little things. Gratitude doesn't cost a thing (unless you're like me and you'll also send a thank you gift to Virgie for returning my phone :) ). 

fear

n.

1.

a. A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.

b. A state or condition marked by this feeling: living in fear.

2. A feeling of disquiet or apprehension: a fear of looking foolish.

3. Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.

4. A reason for dread or apprehension: Being alone is my greatest fear.

what am i so afraid of? why do i always let fear get in the way? i'm scared of speaking up, scared of exploring, scared of change. but WHY? it can't just simply be fear, can it? there has to be a reason behind everything and the reason (whatever it is) can be overcome, can't it? 


why? the one question that plagues me day in and day out. i don't know if i really don't know the answer, or its that i do but i'm too scared to admit it to myself. okay, i'm rambling again. what is wrong with me lately?!


in other news, the weather seems to be commiserating with me. whoop-dee-doo.

yes, i'm guessing it's time for a revamp.

pretty stupid really, thinking you could have a blog and hide it from the world. the irony of it all.

and so, after 7 years, it is time for a revamp. why? because i've grown up and decided that it was not worth it after all. i seem to have a talent at gnawing at the unimportant things in life. i seem to be easily distracted by things that glitter.

now that things have changed, maybe it is time to say goodbye to all the angst and negative energies that had been bottled up. they're not worth it in the end. what i probably have now is what i need and/or deserve.

in the end, it's all about perspective. and so, i'm needing a revamp.

leave me alone.

what im listening to: must get out, Maroon 5

i'm in a funk and this is all your fault. you keep reminding me why i fell in love with you in the first place, and i hate it. i hate that i still think about you, i hate that people think we look good together, so much more than i do with him. i hate that there is no chance whatsoever for us to go back to that time when all that mattered was that we were together.

this feels like cheating, but who am i cheating with? with a memory of a love gone by? with a shadow of the past? then maybe it isn't cheating after all. but then, i keep thinking about you and i really hate it.

its times like these that i want to just sit and, well, cry silently. you stupid memory. leave me alone.

in an attempt to let it all out.

you bitch. stop ruining my life. stop stealing what's important to me. i don't want to be such an angry and jealous person, but you bring out that side of me.

please, just stop and leave me alone.