feeling a moment slip away.

"some things just aren't meant to be."

that's what we all say when we get screwed, when other people's selfishness ruin our lives. but we're supposed to know that it's not our fault - at least not always.

i really need an explanation from you. you cut my rope and didnt even run for help. you really did intend on killing me. don't worry, you won.

so i'm hooked on perfect romances and true love - but i know enough to see that it doesnt exist. come to think of it, love doesnt too. it is the selfishness of people that run our lives and ruin others.

how do you feel when i rub it in your face that you lied? because i know you did. i know you played me and i know you toyed with my emotions. but dont worry, no matter how much i would love to return the favor and hurt you like crazy, we both know i cant do that - because i dont want to. no matter what you say or do, (it might sound stupid but) i'll still love you.

and so here i'll still be, writing unsent letters to you and to my memory of you.

so this is how it's gonna end.

jake: people always leave, right?.. i could get on that.. and i'd be in tree hill in 6 hours and 24 minutes. and i'd be with you, but i'd be without jenny and i can't do that.
peyton: you know you could've called on the phone and told me that - its not like you're in hiding.
jake: it would be too hard to hear your voice, peyton, to feel 'us' again. my life is here now. and as much as i would love to, i... you're leaving and i'm the one that's gonna be left with this dull pain in my heart and that pain - it took me a long time to let go of.. i'm sorry.
peyton: (sarcastically) it's okay. trust me.
jake: peyton.. peyton..
peyton: you know what? every song ends jake. is that any reason not to enjoy the music? forget it.. i'll just.. i'll see you tomorrow.

i guess... that's all i wanted to say. peyton said it for me already. i mean, you could have at least called. i hope i dont see you tomorrow.


i really really hope you're reading this right now.

hemorrhage in my hands.

hey.

you asked me what honesty was. well, here's my share of it:

i love you. i really do. and don't tell me that you don't because if what you said awhile ago was true and you really weren't playing around, then you must at least feel the same way. what sucks is that i don't really know why i'm hurt so much. i mean, i went into this not expecting anything - i don't really - though you can't really say that when you love somebody so much. i was, however, at least wishing that the emotion was reciprocated, and it made me more than happy to know that you felt the same way too.

i stick by what i said awhile ago when i said i'm contented with the truth. i mean, i can't ask for more than that and if that's the only thing that i can get then im grabbing it with both my hands. i know, i know. that sounds pretty selfish and stupid and childish. fine, i'm sorry.

you know what? i'm full of it. i'm tired of feeling stupid and whatever. im giving up on this, on me and on whatever we were. i really am giving up coz you know what i learned from all this? its that giving up is letting go of what was never yours. so here you are, i'm gone.

i dont wanna get over you.

i don't understand why but i feel that i must be doing something wrong if he's not looking for me yet. i miss him tons but it seems that he doesn't so, whatever.

here's a song for you today:

lately I've been wishing I had one desire
something that would make me never want another
something that would make it so that nothing matters
all would be clear then
but I guess i'll have to settle for a few brief moments
and watch it all dissolve into a single second
try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line
'cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept
you are here then you're gone
but i believe that lovers should be tied together
thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
left there to drown
left there to drown
in their innocence
but as for me i'm coming to the final chapter
i read all of the pages and there's still no answer
only all that was before i know must soon come after
that's the only way it can be
so I stand in the sun
and I breathe with my lungs
trying to spare me the weight of the truth
saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
now you're laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
wishing you were a ghost
but once you knew a girl and you named her lover
danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
autumn came, she disappeared
you can't remember where she said she was going to
but you know that she is gone 'cause she left you a song
that you don't want to sing
singing I believe that lovers should be chained together
thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
left there to burn
left there to burn
in their arrogance
but as for me i'm coming to my final failure
killed myself with changes trying to make things better
ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be
now i believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
and layed entwined together on a bed of clover
left there to sleep
left there to dream
of their happiness

shit. i hate this. i hate being who i am right now and feeling what i do. i hate this. i hate myself.

i really really do.

but honestly?

this might sound corny, but hey, whatever.

look in my eyes and let the moment begin. you make me feel like i can do anything. one look from you just sends my troubles away. what i would do, to be with you. don't walk away, why don't you stay? i've been waiting for somebody like you. please dont walk away, why won't you say that you're ready and you're feeling it too? 'coz if it's love, if it's love, then don't walk away. i wanna show you i've got nothing to hide. don't be afraid of what you're feeling inside. deep in my heart there is nobody but you.

eew. trust me, i didn't want to write it down - i really didn't - but when im in l*** i go crazy. i swear.

geez, i'm still stuck on stupid love songs just because i miss him terribly, terribly.

what im listening to: eager angels by session road.
i especially like the chorus. it goes: like EAGER angels falling from heaven, oh i'd give it all up to share the pain with you. like EAGER angels falling from heaven, undaunted 'coz your love will see me through. oh yes, eager angels - all a little too eager, lemme tell you. i can't wait until i can call him up or at least send him a text message. oh indeed, i am eager.

i'm in this crazy frenzy where i listen to songs on my mp3 player, but i don't care much to finish the whole song, though. i mean, right smack in the middle of a great solo or whatever, i change the song. it doesn't matter if i've been dying to hear the song or how great the song is, i'd still change it. weird, im not acting like myself lately.

this is all your fault.

hello, you.

ugh. i cannot believe i am still playing sad ol' love songs on my guitar. i thought i was over that already. the sad part, actually, is that it makes me miss you more than i already do. this shit better end before i.. i.. cry.

i thought i could push you to the back of my mind with the help of a good book. little did i know that the book would keep on reminding me of you. oh dear, j.d. salinger would be hella disappointed.

i'm listening to tori amos' a sorta fairytale. geez, she really didn't beat around the bush now, did she? she sure has her way with words. but if its a sorta fairytale, heck, i'd rather have that than nothing. wouldn't wanna be left alone with my behind to keep my company.

now i'm listening to 'dance dance' by fall out boy. now that's one great band. they don't care for short titles or titles that make sense. "dance dance, we're falling apart... misery loves me."

aww crap, i miss you. cheers.

post-you

"after all this time, i never thought we'd be here."

oh, you. i've got a notebook full of unsent letters. letters i never meant to send.

do you love him? *nods.*
are you gonna call him then? *shakes head.*
why not? *shrugs.*
do you want him to call you? *nods head vigorously.*
do you need him? *nods.*
do you think he needs you? *shakes head sadly.*
so what are you gonna do about it? *shrugs again.*

im gonna... dance.

dear you,

i reckon you're never gonna get to read this anyway so here goes nothing: you're great. you amaze me everytime we talk. i melt every time i see you and i dont want you to look into my eyes because then you'd see how much i miss and need you. i love you so much that it breaks my heart to pieces. i think of you often that your very smile occupies my every waking moment. your face is all i can think of that i even see you in my dreams.

yet amidst all this emotion, i am hurting. i know you dont want me to get hurt but i cant help but feel helpless. but, do let me feel this pain because it is this pain that wakes me up in the morning. if having you is painful, then i hope every part of my being aches because i wouldnt change it for the world.

in all this, though, i hope that you are happy, wherever you are. i hope that whoever you choose, you are happy. i wish that you are filled with love until you cannot hold it in anymore. i wish that you get all that your heart desires.

but if you feel that the world is too much to handle, remember that i'm still here, loving you always and praying for you. remember that you can run into these arms of mine and trust that i would never hurt you. remember that whatever happens, you still have me.

i love you still and always.



signed,


drunk and ugly.

originally, me.

i knew i shouldnt've picked up that vcd. oh but no, i ended up wasting the rest of the day watching it. and what happened? it left me feeling more depressed than i already am. darnit, i knew i should've acted on my instinct and watched "kill bill" instead. nothing like a good bloody movie to perk up the day.

i'm listening to 'lack of color' by deathcab for cutie. indeed, there's a lack of everything in my life. dont ask, just read.

i think it was emerson who said that "everyone hides his real character but reveals it by hiding." he couldnt've said it better. indeed, we hide. but we reveal and we cant wait until someone looks into what we are hiding. we want the whole world to know how we feel, but we dont want to be blatant about it. we want others to figure it out by themselves. its pretty stupid, if you ask me. i mean, we all have our own selfish little lives to think about, so why give a damn? and yet, we are called by our own instinct to forget ourselves and care for others. but still, we get hurt when nobody seems to want to give us the time of day. but then again, who asked.

sitting by the window

i stare at the sky.

the birds will sing

and the sun will shine

but my skies will be gray,

my world drained of color.

dont ask me why

just look at me

and stare at my eyes -

then you'll know.

dont worry, that poem's mine.

now i'm listening to 'broken glass' by adam richman. woah, that song just, well, it says what i cant. apparently, im falling back on music. i cant talk to him, i cant exactly tell him how i really feel, and we can never be together. in a way, he's too good for me. what could he possibly see in a hag like me?

all this broken glass, and its falling in my lap. are you out to bring me down?

stab me, watch me die.

i have seven more days to go before i can talk to him.

i hate that he's in a different city because i miss him so much. i hate that he will have to leave eventually. i hate that i cant see myself without him in the NEAR future. i hate that im in too deep.

i miss him terribly. i dont know if he thinks about me as often as i think about him, though. because honestly, i think about him every waking moment. its crazy, i shouldnt be doing so, but i can't help it. this is seriously driving me insane. i reckon i'm letting myself feel this way because soon enough, this will end and it will all be over. i don't expect him to stay or to keep telling me that he loves me. i don't expect that he'll stay with me, there are better, more good-looking women out there so much more worthy than i am. nothing seems enough to keep me busy, to keep me from thinking about it. he's right, i should sit back and relax.

here's a song for you:

don't know why I'm still afraid, if you weren't real I would make you up now. i wish that I could follow through, i know that your love is true and deep as the sea.

but right now everything you want is wrong, and right now all your dreams are waking up, and right now I wish I could follow you to the shores of freedom, where no one lives.

remember when we first met and everything was still a bet in love's game you would call; i'd call you back and then I'd leave a message on your answering machine.

but right now everything is turning blue, and right now the sun is trying to kill the moon, and right now I wish I could follow you to the shores of freedom, where no one lives.

Freedom - Run away tonight - Freedom, freedom - Run away - Run away tonight.

we're made out of blood and rust looking for someone to trust without a fight. I think that you came too soon you're the honey and the moon that lights up my night.

but right now everything you want is wrong, and right now all your dreams are waking up, and right now I wish that I could follow you to the shores of freedom where no one lives.

Freedom - Run away tonight - Freedom freedom - Run away - Run away tonight

we got too much time to kill like pigeons on my windowsill we hang around. ever since I've been with you you hold me up all the time I've falling down.

but right now everything is turning blue, and right now the sun is trying to kill the moon, and right now I wish I could follow you to the shores of freedom where no one lives.

hmm.. reading through the lyrics i reckon the song isnt for you. its more like its from you to me.

shit. i hate this.