learning to breathe...

“…if I just say I miss you, it will never be heard. Let my heart whisper all that it needs to...”

That about sums it ALL up. I did say I missed him, and I guessed it wasn’t heard. My heart IS whispering all that it needs to, but no one is listening. Really, how could he make me take a start, and just leave me here hanging; I can’t even say how I’m feeling. How could he make me break my heart? Well if I can’t say I miss him, then this is what I’m going to say…

The predominant feeling I have is one near desperation. I really want to tell him how I feel. That I am starting to like him and I’m afraid that there is no turning back. Know the song “Swept Away” by Christopher Cross? That’s it! That’s exactly it. I don’t want to sound conceited but I believe that we feel it whenever someone likes us. And unfortunately, I felt that vibe. Take note: FELT. And I guess I was afraid because I ran away from this feeling and I started ignoring him. Without a doubt, I pushed him away. Now, I am mindful that I have regretted having acted upon that decision. I do not know how or why, but I guess I felt unworthy of such notice. Let’s just say that I want him. I really do. And it’s the nearest thing I have to that of clarity. The thought of having him is so lucid in my mind that all other thoughts have been pushed to the back of my head. Nothing is as clear as the image of his face when I close my eyes.

I know I’m ridiculously notorious for obscenely long blogs, but that’s just me. And besides, I feel as if I have to let it all out or else my stereo will later be blasting ‘mopey’ songs while I sob my eyes out. I guess this is my way of shouting to the world how I feel.

Feel. That’s about one of the most used word in this blogspot. Maybe that’s because I’m really good at it. Feeling, I mean. And I’m afraid that’s about the ONLY thing I’m good at. Feeling. My emotions keep me on edge every day because they’re as unpredictable as my cousin’s mood swings. Don’t be fooled, I’m not irrational. I’m just emotional.

Sigh. I can’t stop thinking about him. Do realize that I’m only talking about one guy in all my blogs. Though I might have fooled people into thinking that I am ‘boy-crazy’ by acting as if I have tons of crushes, don’t be stupid. I know the demarcation line between crush and likes (although I haven’t really found the clear distinction between likes and loves). And this guy is a LIKE. Hopefully, he won’t be a CRUSHED anytime soon.

See? This is the sole reason why I want to keep myself busy. Loads of activities deter me from thinking like this. It deters me from emotions and leads me back to logic and technical stuff. Definitely none of this LURVE bullshit whenever I’m up to my throat in work.

I’ve learned from the movie “Original Sin” that there are people who give in to love and those that run away from it because they are afraid and they feel that they are unworthy of it. I realize that I fall into the second category. I’ve been running ever since I could remember. And I just want to stop. I’m tired of running and I just want to give in to it. Maybe it’ll do me wonders.