welcome to my world

One of the biggest things I’ve EVER regretted is going to this stupid university. I regret ever enrolling in it every single waking day of my life. If I had the chance, I really would have gone to UP. It is one of the best schools this side of the world. If ever you get your acceptance letter to that school, DO NOT PASS UP THAT CHANCE! Beg, Plead – heck, even cajole – your parents into letting you go to that University. And, if in any case, they do not listen, run away. I’m serious. I really hate my school. This whole situation is pathetic that I cannot even begin to fathom it. I swear, where I’ll be after I graduate from this so-called “Quality” school is one HUGE mystery to me. Think: Deceitful School Administration, Incompetent Teachers, Apathetic Classmates, Redundant Subjects… its one pretty picture, isn’t it? Can’t wait to brag that to any office that I’m going to try to apply in after studying in that school. It’s so easy, that even a bum could get a 2.0 average and not break a sweat. What the…??!!?!?! I cannot believe that I am here. I swear, even the smallest community colleges back home are so much better than this school. They can’t even produce competent-enough teachers. Let me paint you a picture: You walk in to your first major subject in a year thinking that it’s grand and guess what your “professor” says: “Class, I’m sorry but I’m not really knowledgeable in this subject. This is my first time to teach this…blah, blah, blah.” The same thing MAJOR subject after major subject after major subject. Sure, I get high grades and I’m not complaining because I’m brilliant…NOT. Like I said, even a bum could pass with flying colors. I could even go to my classes with my brain half-dead and still pass all of them without breaking a sweat…. Yeah, yeah, I know. I complain too much. But you would too if you were in my position! And that’s not even half of the anomalies that that stupid school is hiding. Believe me when I say that that school is all kinds of wrong for anyone who believes in brilliance and transparency. And also, trust me when I say that I was being dragged, kicking and screaming just to enroll in it. Honestly? It wasn’t even in my first choices and I can’t do anything about it because my parents won’t let me transfer to a different school.

Check out its website and you’d think it was one piece of art. Sure they have new buildings with air-conditioned classrooms and elevators, but trust me, it isn’t what it seems. Hmm… seems reminiscent of a couple of lines I heard from “Mona Lisa Smile”: “She looks happy, so what does it matter?... Let me tell you, not everything is as it seems.” Just because something looks perfect and polished on the outside, it doesn’t mean that the inside isn’t destroyed and rotting. Just because that stupid school looks great and enormous on the outside, it doesn’t mean that the administration is great too. Trust me, that school is run by the devil himself, a couple of advocates and the rest of his little mean workers as well. Pardon me for being vague about which school I’m talking about or which people I’m describing when I say the devil and his advocates. That’s because the school might get hold of this and bury me alive. Yes - I’m scared of being found out. Hey, I have a right to be human too. Let’s just leave it at that. I’m guessing there are better things to rant about than things that we can’t change in a million years.

It’s funny how TV movies are so jam-packed with all these wise things that sometimes, they’re even better than the big-screen ones. Take it from a girl who was subjected to watching the television for a whole 2 days, these TV movies are so much better – and they’re free too. The only downside is that they talk of one in the same thing – Love. It speaks of it in every single angle imaginable. Aside from that, it only reminds me of my status of eternally single and my lack thereof. Another amazing thing that these TV movies do – at least for me – is that they add to my ever-rising level of cynicism. Seeing as they remind me of my lack in, well, lurve, I tend to make up for my loss by adding a couple of sarcastic remarks here and there. Oh, but don’t be fooled. I was cynical way before I discovered these “lovely” TV movies. Heck, even love songs can’t get away fast enough from my wrath. The weird thing about this whole cynicism thing is that I’m not even heartless. Dense, probably, but definitely not heartless. But then again, if you really thing about it, I guess it’s one of my coping mechanisms. And if you really get down to it, aside from creating facades, sarcastic remarks and cynical comebacks are my specialties. But even deeper than that, you can see that I’m just one of those wounded persons trying to get by life unscathed.

In the past week, I’ve learned tons of new things. It seems as if I learn a new thing everyday. Well anyway, I’ve realized that falling out is part of life. And no matter how painful it is, we all fall out of something. Like, we fall out of situations where we are in love. Or we just come to a point where writing just isn’t as alluring as it was a couple of years ago. Worse than that, sometimes we just realize that there are people who we just can’t talk to anymore. It seems as if time and distance has severed my relationship with them. I can’t seem to reach them like I did before. I can’t talk to them like I could a couple of years before. I just want to go back to the time when I could tell them everything. Now, it just seems like everything I do get on their nerves and vice versa. Whenever I come to see them, I just want to get as far away from them as possible. It even reaches a point where I feel like I actually hate them. Honestly? Maybe I just miss them. Or, maybe, I just changed. And trust me; the change was definitely NOT for the better. I don’t know what happened but I don’t seem to know who I am anymore. I was getting along great, but somewhere in the journey, I changed into someone I don’t even want to be. It’s crazy because I don’t like what I see anymore. In the course of trying to love myself and getting to know me, I think I lost the real me in the process and I hate myself even more. I used to look in the mirror and I could see myself clearly, even if I still needed some work done. But now, I look in the mirror and I see that my eyes are hazy. They’re not clear anymore. Nothing is clear anymore. Nothing is real anymore.