originally, me.

i knew i shouldnt've picked up that vcd. oh but no, i ended up wasting the rest of the day watching it. and what happened? it left me feeling more depressed than i already am. darnit, i knew i should've acted on my instinct and watched "kill bill" instead. nothing like a good bloody movie to perk up the day.

i'm listening to 'lack of color' by deathcab for cutie. indeed, there's a lack of everything in my life. dont ask, just read.

i think it was emerson who said that "everyone hides his real character but reveals it by hiding." he couldnt've said it better. indeed, we hide. but we reveal and we cant wait until someone looks into what we are hiding. we want the whole world to know how we feel, but we dont want to be blatant about it. we want others to figure it out by themselves. its pretty stupid, if you ask me. i mean, we all have our own selfish little lives to think about, so why give a damn? and yet, we are called by our own instinct to forget ourselves and care for others. but still, we get hurt when nobody seems to want to give us the time of day. but then again, who asked.

sitting by the window

i stare at the sky.

the birds will sing

and the sun will shine

but my skies will be gray,

my world drained of color.

dont ask me why

just look at me

and stare at my eyes -

then you'll know.

dont worry, that poem's mine.

now i'm listening to 'broken glass' by adam richman. woah, that song just, well, it says what i cant. apparently, im falling back on music. i cant talk to him, i cant exactly tell him how i really feel, and we can never be together. in a way, he's too good for me. what could he possibly see in a hag like me?

all this broken glass, and its falling in my lap. are you out to bring me down?

stab me, watch me die.

i have seven more days to go before i can talk to him.

i hate that he's in a different city because i miss him so much. i hate that he will have to leave eventually. i hate that i cant see myself without him in the NEAR future. i hate that im in too deep.

i miss him terribly. i dont know if he thinks about me as often as i think about him, though. because honestly, i think about him every waking moment. its crazy, i shouldnt be doing so, but i can't help it. this is seriously driving me insane. i reckon i'm letting myself feel this way because soon enough, this will end and it will all be over. i don't expect him to stay or to keep telling me that he loves me. i don't expect that he'll stay with me, there are better, more good-looking women out there so much more worthy than i am. nothing seems enough to keep me busy, to keep me from thinking about it. he's right, i should sit back and relax.

here's a song for you:

don't know why I'm still afraid, if you weren't real I would make you up now. i wish that I could follow through, i know that your love is true and deep as the sea.

but right now everything you want is wrong, and right now all your dreams are waking up, and right now I wish I could follow you to the shores of freedom, where no one lives.

remember when we first met and everything was still a bet in love's game you would call; i'd call you back and then I'd leave a message on your answering machine.

but right now everything is turning blue, and right now the sun is trying to kill the moon, and right now I wish I could follow you to the shores of freedom, where no one lives.

Freedom - Run away tonight - Freedom, freedom - Run away - Run away tonight.

we're made out of blood and rust looking for someone to trust without a fight. I think that you came too soon you're the honey and the moon that lights up my night.

but right now everything you want is wrong, and right now all your dreams are waking up, and right now I wish that I could follow you to the shores of freedom where no one lives.

Freedom - Run away tonight - Freedom freedom - Run away - Run away tonight

we got too much time to kill like pigeons on my windowsill we hang around. ever since I've been with you you hold me up all the time I've falling down.

but right now everything is turning blue, and right now the sun is trying to kill the moon, and right now I wish I could follow you to the shores of freedom where no one lives.

hmm.. reading through the lyrics i reckon the song isnt for you. its more like its from you to me.

shit. i hate this.

just plain pathetic

i have absolutely no idea what i am doing. i've been staring at the sky since last week. i reckon it can drop some answers on me. i'm so crazy about him that it's driving me crazy. yet i know i shouldn't be crazy about him because he's not crazy about me.

i feel like i wanna walk around tonight. but that's crazy coz the streets are gonna be packed with people because of this stupid festival and free concerts, etc. etc. whatever.

i feel like my heart is swelling with all these feelings that i shouldn't have. he makes me want to break out in song, but i dont have a song in mind. he makes me wanna dance around even if there's no music. he makes me want to hug him so tight - i hate it.

what i hate the most is that he keeps sending me mixed signals. i really don't know what to make of it.

oh won't someone please kill me???

thief.

i feel so bad. i'm stealing a whole person here. i really should stop.

i'm stealing someone else's inspiration. i'm stealing someone else's hope for hope. i'm stealing everybody else's hope for love. and in all this, i don't feel worthy. no, im not worthy.

i'm so mad because i let myself get this way. i thought i was okay all alone but it turns out that im not.

hmm.. i started a novel last year. it's called the diary of an 18-year-old suicide. i was thinking of finishing it, but i'm almost 20 and i'm still alive so, whatever.

i feel duped. like i was lied to or something. this always, always happens. and though i see it, i dont hit the brakes. the lights were all up in my face but i ignored it.

stupid, stupid me.

messed up but loving it.

i





am



so




confused!

i dont know what to do any more. but the thing is, i think i kinda like it.



won't someone please save me????

the heart dies slowly...

go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
... i cant stop thinking about what happened. what will happen now?

when you fall everyone stands, another day and you've had your fill of sinking
... funny, but im sinking in my own thoughts and i cant expect anyone to care

with the life held in your hands are shaking cold, these hands are meant to hold
... i wonder. was i really meant to hold anybody else's hand? or perhaps i was meant to shiver alone.

speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong move along, move along like I know you do
... apparently, i cant let it out anymore. i feel that when i speak, i bring people down with me. its just depressing to listen to a depressed person.

and even when your hope is gone, move along, move along just to make it through
... indeed moving and moving and moving is the only solution. in my case, its working, working, and working.

so a day when you've lost yourself completely
... im afraid i've already lost me.

could be a night when your life ends
... oohhh, dont tempt me.

such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
... it seems that the only thing im good at is deceiving and nobody knows it.

all the pain held in your hands are shaking cold, your hands are mine to hold
... the pain just wont - cant - go away. no more, no more. im tired.

right back what is wrong, we move along.

all the things that i couldn't have

today is the worst day ever. just when i've started to get comfy, things get rocky. that's life for you.

i was at the brink of salvation. we were right there, i was about to climb off the edge. but he had to leave and he left me with nothing. and so here i am, falling again. i think i might have gone over the edge this time.

just when i thought i was going to be okay, just when i found something to hang on to, it disappears. i dont think there's any going back anymore.

[not for all the love in the world, THE THRILLS] you show your age / when you drown your rage / but i see past those laughter lines / so baby, lets play tonight / i got a tank full of gas till light / yeah we can drive for miles and miles / but you just said / 'Not for all the love in the world' / 'Not for all the love in the world' / cause she didnt realize, now thats a lotta love / how dreams fade / and all the underdogs get laid / left your heart in the hands of a jugglin clown / and so you crave recognition / but the keys to the city went missing / people are all puzzles to be figured out / but you just said / 'Not for all the love in the world' / 'Not for all the love in the world' / cause she didnt realize, now thats alotta love oh oh / i guess that everybody / went to a better part of me / not for all the love in the world / not for all the love in the world / but she didnt realize, now thats a lotta love.

this time, im full of rage. no more faking it. no more hurting anymore. they think its not important, but i'd give up the whole world for just one more. i'd give it all up for one more..you.

[dakota, STEREOPHONICS] thinking about thinking of you / summertime think it was june / yeah think it was june / laying back, head on the grass / children grown having some laughs / yeah having some laughs / made me feel like the one / made me feel like the one / the one / made me feel like the one / made me feel like the one / the one / drinking back, drinking for two / drinking with you / and drinking was new / sleeping in the back of my car / we never went far / needed to go far / made me feel like the one / made me feel like the one / the one / made me feel like the one / made me feel like the one / the one / i don’t know where we are going now / i don’t know where we are going now / wake up cold coffee and juice / remembering you / what happened to you? / i wonder if we’ll meet again / talk about us instead / talk about why did it end / made me feel like the one / made me feel like the one / the one / made me feel like the one / made me feel like the one
The one / i don’t know where we are going now / i don’t know where we are going now / so take a look at me now.

yep, you made me feel like the one - like i was one. cobwebs, cobwebs, cobwebs. im caught up in cobwebs that bury me further as i struggle to get out. constant, constant, constant. no constancy in life to look forward to.

what am i running from?