so i'm here in this coffee shop, typing my entry away as my friends sip on their lattes and whatnots. i've already finished my cup of mocha larcepuccino so i'm not pressured.
i am, however, depressed. and this is the first time i'm ever gonna say it out loud.
i realize i need my own blanket, my own outlet. and this year has been particularly hard because i have neither. and these things seem to elude me this time. i reckon i've been depressed for a long time now and its this time that it has been slapping me awake.
i cant take it anymore. i need to get away.
Friday, November 17, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
since its still 11:40 pm on october 19, 2006
happy birthday to me.
yes, i've turned 20 today. the big 2-0. twenty. bente. ni juu. er shr. dalawampo. whatever.
honestly, i never really though about my 20th birthday. i just planned until the grand 18th, when i would come of age. as for 20, nothing. but never in my wildest dreams did i think that turning 20 would be such a bummer. now, my birthday's nothing but a normal day of the week, with good food at the end of the day.
today is one of the ugliest i've ever been, the saddest, the downest, the most depressed, and most especially, the loneliest. i hate today.
so while it still supposedly exists, might as well use it as an excuse.
i said to myself that if he would NOT greet me today, that would mean that there was nothing, there is nothing and there will be nothing between us and that, tomorrow, i would move on. unfortunately, he did. but he did so with such unnerving coldness and with no effort whatsoever that now, i am left to question if i should consider it or not.
i really hate my birthday. i wouldn't mind if nobody remembered.
yes, i've turned 20 today. the big 2-0. twenty. bente. ni juu. er shr. dalawampo. whatever.
honestly, i never really though about my 20th birthday. i just planned until the grand 18th, when i would come of age. as for 20, nothing. but never in my wildest dreams did i think that turning 20 would be such a bummer. now, my birthday's nothing but a normal day of the week, with good food at the end of the day.
today is one of the ugliest i've ever been, the saddest, the downest, the most depressed, and most especially, the loneliest. i hate today.
so while it still supposedly exists, might as well use it as an excuse.
i said to myself that if he would NOT greet me today, that would mean that there was nothing, there is nothing and there will be nothing between us and that, tomorrow, i would move on. unfortunately, he did. but he did so with such unnerving coldness and with no effort whatsoever that now, i am left to question if i should consider it or not.
i really hate my birthday. i wouldn't mind if nobody remembered.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
the saddest songs on earth
i'm posting all my emo shit in this one. my friends are already complaining that i post way too sad crap on my friendster blog. and so, i'll pretend that i'm happy, post happy bullshit on that one and say how i really feel on this one. besides, no one knows this exists.
i'm stuck on 23 by Jimmy Eat World. it's some pretty emo song. my cousin was right.
as i was listening to the song, i realized that i didn't have to write a song for him - that was it. although i'm turning 20 and not 23 on thursday, it doesnt really matter.
I felt for sure last night
That once we said "goodbye",
No one else will know these lonely dreams,
No one else will know that part of me.
I'm still driving away,
And I'm sorry everyday.
I won't always love these selfish things,
I won't always live not stopping...
It was my turn to decide,
I knew this was our time.
No one else will have me like you do,
No one else will have me, only you.
You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time,
What are you hoping for?
I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready, holding on tight,
Don't give away the end, the one thing that stays mine.
Amazing still it seems
I'll be 20(23).
I won't always love what I'll never have,
I won't always live in my regrets.
You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time,
What are you hoping for?
I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready, holding on tight,
Don't give away the end, the one thing that stays mine.
You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time,
What are you hoping for?
I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready, holding on tight,
Don't give away the end, the one thing that stays mine.
how i could insist that the end is mine. but i know that's not true. because if i had my way, it would never have to, no matter how sad that sounds.
and so, i'll sit alone forever, waiting for you to come back.
i'm stuck on 23 by Jimmy Eat World. it's some pretty emo song. my cousin was right.
as i was listening to the song, i realized that i didn't have to write a song for him - that was it. although i'm turning 20 and not 23 on thursday, it doesnt really matter.
I felt for sure last night
That once we said "goodbye",
No one else will know these lonely dreams,
No one else will know that part of me.
I'm still driving away,
And I'm sorry everyday.
I won't always love these selfish things,
I won't always live not stopping...
It was my turn to decide,
I knew this was our time.
No one else will have me like you do,
No one else will have me, only you.
You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time,
What are you hoping for?
I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready, holding on tight,
Don't give away the end, the one thing that stays mine.
Amazing still it seems
I'll be 20(23).
I won't always love what I'll never have,
I won't always live in my regrets.
You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time,
What are you hoping for?
I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready, holding on tight,
Don't give away the end, the one thing that stays mine.
You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time,
What are you hoping for?
I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready, holding on tight,
Don't give away the end, the one thing that stays mine.
how i could insist that the end is mine. but i know that's not true. because if i had my way, it would never have to, no matter how sad that sounds.
and so, i'll sit alone forever, waiting for you to come back.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
another unanswered request
i really don't know what to say or what to do. i just really want to get away.
in the meantime, i'm proud of myself. i am the 5671st petitioner against Petron Corporation for what they have done to the Guimaras Island andt the 3362nd petitioner for an immediate call to action from the Philippine government about the Guimaras oil spill.
other than that, i'm down in the dumps.
i hate the feeling of just waking up and realizing that you want to be somebody else. and so i tried to pretend that i was somebody else and dressed up differently. but of course, i couldn't give myself up entirely and so i kept the bracelet on. and i compromised. so i ended up wearing this pink blouse that i haven't worn in ages and the black leather shoes with 2 1/2 inch heels that i bought last year but have probably worn it twice in this lifetime. plus i fixed my hair, wore earrings and even threw on a little make-up. i even went to the extremes of acting like brooke. but to my dismay, although it worked wonders in putting up the facade that i wanted to show, it did nothing to ease the pain that i was nursing.
i guess even pretending isn't the solution to everything.
so then we turn to lying and wish that we can lie to ourselves.
in the meantime, i'm proud of myself. i am the 5671st petitioner against Petron Corporation for what they have done to the Guimaras Island andt the 3362nd petitioner for an immediate call to action from the Philippine government about the Guimaras oil spill.
other than that, i'm down in the dumps.
i hate the feeling of just waking up and realizing that you want to be somebody else. and so i tried to pretend that i was somebody else and dressed up differently. but of course, i couldn't give myself up entirely and so i kept the bracelet on. and i compromised. so i ended up wearing this pink blouse that i haven't worn in ages and the black leather shoes with 2 1/2 inch heels that i bought last year but have probably worn it twice in this lifetime. plus i fixed my hair, wore earrings and even threw on a little make-up. i even went to the extremes of acting like brooke. but to my dismay, although it worked wonders in putting up the facade that i wanted to show, it did nothing to ease the pain that i was nursing.
i guess even pretending isn't the solution to everything.
so then we turn to lying and wish that we can lie to ourselves.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
helplessness and the problem with death.
at this moment, i can't breathe and i'm feeling utterly helpless. helpless because i have a very complicated paper to finish which was just made known to me this morning. now i don't wanna start it yet because i don't know how and i don't know what to do.
last night, i called him up for some business matters. it seemed like his voice now sounded cold. was it because he was tired? was it because he was preoccupied with things? or was it mainly because it was i who called and he does not wish to speak to me, or some twisted thought like that?
and then the question: am i causing him trouble? am i making things hard for him, and for myself as well?
the only solution that seems viable now, then, is death. with death, everything will come to an end. homework, thesis, papers, problems, life. but then, the problem would be that there would also be no more music, ice cream, movies, coffee, or even the sweet serenity of holding hands. perhaps it will all just be... blank.
and then it seems that death is the only option.
last night, i called him up for some business matters. it seemed like his voice now sounded cold. was it because he was tired? was it because he was preoccupied with things? or was it mainly because it was i who called and he does not wish to speak to me, or some twisted thought like that?
and then the question: am i causing him trouble? am i making things hard for him, and for myself as well?
the only solution that seems viable now, then, is death. with death, everything will come to an end. homework, thesis, papers, problems, life. but then, the problem would be that there would also be no more music, ice cream, movies, coffee, or even the sweet serenity of holding hands. perhaps it will all just be... blank.
and then it seems that death is the only option.
Monday, September 25, 2006
down and depressed, all day, everyday.
well, let's start with how i feel right now: sad, lonely, depressed, angry, helpless, unlovable, numb, pissed off.
and that's just the surface. there's still a lot more where that came from, like abandoned, forgotten, taken for granted, afraid - that kind of stuff.
some days, i feel like there's no cure for this except a way out. i can't wait until graduation, but i'm dreading it as well. BUT AS OF THE MOMENT - graduation and leaving is all i can think about. i don't want to think about him, about all the things bothering me right now.
but of course, knowing me, even if i don't want to think about it, i still do. my mind gives me no comfort in resting for even in sleep i stil dream about it. it doesn't matter anyway. perhaps i was - or have always been - meant for doom.
i dunno, i hate what has been happening. i hate life. i hate you. i hate me.
im so hateful.
and that's just the surface. there's still a lot more where that came from, like abandoned, forgotten, taken for granted, afraid - that kind of stuff.
some days, i feel like there's no cure for this except a way out. i can't wait until graduation, but i'm dreading it as well. BUT AS OF THE MOMENT - graduation and leaving is all i can think about. i don't want to think about him, about all the things bothering me right now.
but of course, knowing me, even if i don't want to think about it, i still do. my mind gives me no comfort in resting for even in sleep i stil dream about it. it doesn't matter anyway. perhaps i was - or have always been - meant for doom.
i dunno, i hate what has been happening. i hate life. i hate you. i hate me.
im so hateful.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
8 seconds
right now, i'm lying on the sofa as my cousin is figuring out what song to dance to.
typical me, im burned out and bummed. burned out because i spent almost 24 hours working on a thesis that i don't think i'm ever gonna.. and bummed out because i've finally realized a hell of a lot of things that i should have realized before hand.
first off, i realized that i have just been misreading hig signals all along. on a typical night that we were trying to talk, i apparently misread what he was blatantly trying to say. that got me thinking: have i been misreading everything all along?
second, i think it's time to move on. i finally found someone who, technically, isnt really new but just came back. maybe this time, i can try my luck with him.
third, im really tired and i've got a million things to finish by tomorrow or im gonna die. literally.
fourth, i forgot to call my dad, which is a total bummer. and when i say bummer, i really do mean it. i don't know if he's waiting for my call but its too late and if i call him i might just end up waking him up. bummer.
last but not the least - i hate me.
typical me, im burned out and bummed. burned out because i spent almost 24 hours working on a thesis that i don't think i'm ever gonna.. and bummed out because i've finally realized a hell of a lot of things that i should have realized before hand.
first off, i realized that i have just been misreading hig signals all along. on a typical night that we were trying to talk, i apparently misread what he was blatantly trying to say. that got me thinking: have i been misreading everything all along?
second, i think it's time to move on. i finally found someone who, technically, isnt really new but just came back. maybe this time, i can try my luck with him.
third, im really tired and i've got a million things to finish by tomorrow or im gonna die. literally.
fourth, i forgot to call my dad, which is a total bummer. and when i say bummer, i really do mean it. i don't know if he's waiting for my call but its too late and if i call him i might just end up waking him up. bummer.
last but not the least - i hate me.
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