better days (album version)

i'm listening to the album version of better days by goo goo dolls on launch cast. yep, i really am hoping for better days.

soleil - french for "sun". in all my darkness, i guess im still wishing for a little bit of light to shine on me at least once in this lifetime.

it seems that i can't roll with the punches anymore. technically, i'm giving up but i don't know how. perhaps its time for me to throw in the towel coz there's not much use for it anymore anyway so let's say goodbye this time.

some days, when i don't think about it, it gets easier. i find that my love is fading day by day. but then there are days when i remember and everything floods right back in and i just miss him all the more. those are the toughest days ever - when all i can think about was what we had and what we don't have.

i was looking at your photo earlier today. it's all i have left of something i never understood. i bet you'd think its easy for me to look for somebody else to fill the enormous gap you left. it's not that easy. it's pretty hard, actually.

sore wa taihen, desu ne?

i've been online all day. aren't you even gonna drop me a line? :'c

sooner or later

sooner or later i'll find out that this was all a sham. i'm still into joe but red seems to be occupying my mind lately. no matter, he doesn't seem to be feeling the same way i do. in any case, it's fun flirting but i know getting hurt will suck big time. perhaps its time to be doing something else other than thinking. i'll still love him no matter what but it's time to see myself smiling again. i owe it to red to do so.

*sobbing*

feeling a moment slip away.

"some things just aren't meant to be."

that's what we all say when we get screwed, when other people's selfishness ruin our lives. but we're supposed to know that it's not our fault - at least not always.

i really need an explanation from you. you cut my rope and didnt even run for help. you really did intend on killing me. don't worry, you won.

so i'm hooked on perfect romances and true love - but i know enough to see that it doesnt exist. come to think of it, love doesnt too. it is the selfishness of people that run our lives and ruin others.

how do you feel when i rub it in your face that you lied? because i know you did. i know you played me and i know you toyed with my emotions. but dont worry, no matter how much i would love to return the favor and hurt you like crazy, we both know i cant do that - because i dont want to. no matter what you say or do, (it might sound stupid but) i'll still love you.

and so here i'll still be, writing unsent letters to you and to my memory of you.

so this is how it's gonna end.

jake: people always leave, right?.. i could get on that.. and i'd be in tree hill in 6 hours and 24 minutes. and i'd be with you, but i'd be without jenny and i can't do that.
peyton: you know you could've called on the phone and told me that - its not like you're in hiding.
jake: it would be too hard to hear your voice, peyton, to feel 'us' again. my life is here now. and as much as i would love to, i... you're leaving and i'm the one that's gonna be left with this dull pain in my heart and that pain - it took me a long time to let go of.. i'm sorry.
peyton: (sarcastically) it's okay. trust me.
jake: peyton.. peyton..
peyton: you know what? every song ends jake. is that any reason not to enjoy the music? forget it.. i'll just.. i'll see you tomorrow.

i guess... that's all i wanted to say. peyton said it for me already. i mean, you could have at least called. i hope i dont see you tomorrow.


i really really hope you're reading this right now.

hemorrhage in my hands.

hey.

you asked me what honesty was. well, here's my share of it:

i love you. i really do. and don't tell me that you don't because if what you said awhile ago was true and you really weren't playing around, then you must at least feel the same way. what sucks is that i don't really know why i'm hurt so much. i mean, i went into this not expecting anything - i don't really - though you can't really say that when you love somebody so much. i was, however, at least wishing that the emotion was reciprocated, and it made me more than happy to know that you felt the same way too.

i stick by what i said awhile ago when i said i'm contented with the truth. i mean, i can't ask for more than that and if that's the only thing that i can get then im grabbing it with both my hands. i know, i know. that sounds pretty selfish and stupid and childish. fine, i'm sorry.

you know what? i'm full of it. i'm tired of feeling stupid and whatever. im giving up on this, on me and on whatever we were. i really am giving up coz you know what i learned from all this? its that giving up is letting go of what was never yours. so here you are, i'm gone.

i dont wanna get over you.

i don't understand why but i feel that i must be doing something wrong if he's not looking for me yet. i miss him tons but it seems that he doesn't so, whatever.

here's a song for you today:

lately I've been wishing I had one desire
something that would make me never want another
something that would make it so that nothing matters
all would be clear then
but I guess i'll have to settle for a few brief moments
and watch it all dissolve into a single second
try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line
'cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept
you are here then you're gone
but i believe that lovers should be tied together
thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
left there to drown
left there to drown
in their innocence
but as for me i'm coming to the final chapter
i read all of the pages and there's still no answer
only all that was before i know must soon come after
that's the only way it can be
so I stand in the sun
and I breathe with my lungs
trying to spare me the weight of the truth
saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
now you're laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
wishing you were a ghost
but once you knew a girl and you named her lover
danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
autumn came, she disappeared
you can't remember where she said she was going to
but you know that she is gone 'cause she left you a song
that you don't want to sing
singing I believe that lovers should be chained together
thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
left there to burn
left there to burn
in their arrogance
but as for me i'm coming to my final failure
killed myself with changes trying to make things better
ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be
now i believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
and layed entwined together on a bed of clover
left there to sleep
left there to dream
of their happiness

shit. i hate this. i hate being who i am right now and feeling what i do. i hate this. i hate myself.

i really really do.

but honestly?

this might sound corny, but hey, whatever.

look in my eyes and let the moment begin. you make me feel like i can do anything. one look from you just sends my troubles away. what i would do, to be with you. don't walk away, why don't you stay? i've been waiting for somebody like you. please dont walk away, why won't you say that you're ready and you're feeling it too? 'coz if it's love, if it's love, then don't walk away. i wanna show you i've got nothing to hide. don't be afraid of what you're feeling inside. deep in my heart there is nobody but you.

eew. trust me, i didn't want to write it down - i really didn't - but when im in l*** i go crazy. i swear.

geez, i'm still stuck on stupid love songs just because i miss him terribly, terribly.

what im listening to: eager angels by session road.
i especially like the chorus. it goes: like EAGER angels falling from heaven, oh i'd give it all up to share the pain with you. like EAGER angels falling from heaven, undaunted 'coz your love will see me through. oh yes, eager angels - all a little too eager, lemme tell you. i can't wait until i can call him up or at least send him a text message. oh indeed, i am eager.

i'm in this crazy frenzy where i listen to songs on my mp3 player, but i don't care much to finish the whole song, though. i mean, right smack in the middle of a great solo or whatever, i change the song. it doesn't matter if i've been dying to hear the song or how great the song is, i'd still change it. weird, im not acting like myself lately.

this is all your fault.