I'm Drowning

Life. It's weird, obscure, macabre. It just happens. Bad things, good things, every thing. The Universe doesn't specifically shit on you - it shits on everybody. It just shits on everyone differently.

There's no telling what the human soul can endure. And let me tell you, in the past month, I have endured a lot. So much so that I don't know where all this strength is coming from. I guess it's true, you just keep on keeping on. There is no backward or sideward, there's only one way - forward. There is no stop, no rewind. Just play. And it's not even you that's pressing it. It will just keep on being like that even if you feel like falling off the Earth and evaporating into thin air.

Funny, I never thought life could get any worse. But then again, Murphy's law is always at play. It is true - anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Stupid Murphy.

Hang in there.

I sincerely thought that this year would be an incredible one for me. So many possibilities, or so I thought. I wasn’t expecting mom to get sick. And now so much of what I’ve been going through have stemmed from that. And I don’t know how I feel about that. 

I can’t begin to count how many times I’ve heard the words “hang in there”. Hang in there. Hang. In. There. Hang where? Where am I supposed to hang from? What am I supposed to hang on to? I feel like an empty void, so what exactly am I supposed to hang on to? 

They say I can manifest things. My thoughts become my truths. I think I’m gonna use that. I will use it until all the positivity has drained away from me and my energy source is nothing but light. 

So hang in there. Just a little bit more. 

happy (anniversary)

It's odd that I remember what today used to signify. I'm not really celebrating today, but I remember. And I think it doesn't help that Adele is playing on loop (guess what - Turning Tables is playing. Ha!).

I've been wondering about you lately. Just wondering. Nothing special, nothing noteworthy. Just wondering. You keep popping in and out of my thoughts, and I want to tell myself that that's ok. It's nothing to be worried about and it shouldn't fire warning signals in my head.

I think I am now understanding that it's not that easy to erase 7 years worth of memories.

The One Where I'm the Odd One Out.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, "To be nobody but yourself in a world that is constantly trying to change who you are - that is the greatest accomplishment."

I have always tried to stick to my guns, always making sure that everything I do resonates with who I am. In a way, integrate everything so that I am living out what I think, what I believe, who I am and who I want to be.

Oddly enough, with you, I feel like a fish out of water. All. the. time. I don't know how that makes me feel, because most of the time, I am just uncomfortable and I am kicking myself under the table. I'll admit, there are times when I overlook this or simply ignore it, because I want to be with you. I'm just not sure if that will be enough, given that sometimes, what you want out of life is not what I want.

I want to feel, and think, and meditate, and reflect. You just want to keep going. I want to stop and smell the roses, you barely even notice them. And what's worse is that, I don't even feel like you want to just spend time with me. Literally waste time sitting and doing nothing. You always want to be doing. And I don't know how I feel about that.

I Want to Keep On Keeping On.

Hello.

It's funny how long bus rides make me think about things that have long past. In this instance, they made me think about you. Unfortunately, I had around 6 hours worth of bus rides to think. And Coldplay, Bon Iver, and Sufjan Stevens do not help. I think I should change my playlist. I am on Spotify, after all.

I can't remember anything in particular, but I've just been wondering about you. I was broken when you left. You saw me broke and beaten. I wonder - did you ever break? Did it ever break you to see me like that, to wake up and realize we're not together anymore? To not see me next to you? I want to make it clear - I don't want you back. I cannot fathom why I ever said yes to you in the first place. I may not necessarily be in a better place without you, but I do not want to be with you. I guess I just want to know if you were as blinded with pain as I was.

I fight the urge to call you sometimes. I fight every single fiber of me that wants to ruin your life. Because that's not me. There is a side of me that is, but it is not my entirety. And every day, I fight these demons.

I hope one day, they disappear along with every thought of you.

Sa Tamang Panahon.

Sa totoo lang, gusto kong isigaw sa mundo kung gaano kita kamahal. Hindi ko alam kung kayang idaan sa salita, dahil ito lang ang tanging gamit ko para ilabas sa mundo ang pagmamahal na aking nararamdaman para sa iyo, pero susubukan ko. Gusto kong malaman ng mundo kung gaano ako kasaya tuwing kapiling kita. Namamangha ako sa aking nararamdaman, dahil ako'y kinakain nito at niluluwa ng buo kapag ikaw ay aking kasama.

Hindi ko alam kung ito rin ba ang iyong nararamdaman. Hindi ko rin alam kung nais mo rin bang malaman ng mundo kung ano ang nararamdaman mo. Ngunit minsan, may mga panahon na nakikita ko sa iyong mga mata at nadarama ko sa iyong mga yakap, na ito rin, kung hindi man higit pa, ang iyong nadarama para sa akin.

Kung kaya't ito lang ang masasabi ko. Mahal kita. Ng buong buo. Ng walang hanggan. Ng walang pagaalinlangan.

happy birthday to me

i don't understand why i should celebrate my birthday. i don't like making a fuss about it - it's just a day like any other. but on the other hand, this says a lot more about me than it does you.

but it's really not a big deal. i don't want to make a big deal about it, so please, why won't you just drop it?