darkness

there is no single point of trauma that I can think of to explain how or why i react the way that i do. we were never poor, i was never molested, i have no near-death experiences i can recall.

and yet, there is a recurring darkness that threatens to overcome me, that overwhelms me at certain points in my life.

and more often than not, the only way out is into the darkness.

almost lover

This is torture. This whole situation is absolute torture. Dear Universe, you and I both know this is not what I signed up for. I was pretty clear about my parameters, and I even made a list. Ha, a list! What part of that list was not clear for you? Why do you always do this to me? And I ask you why, you don't even give me an answer.

I'm sick of this. I'm sick of all these reruns. I am so done. When I get home, that'll be the last straw. And I think it's high time to finally do what I'd always been planning to all alone. Time to go to the final destination.

love letter to no one in particular.

Hi there. I've been waiting patiently for you.

I've gone through every heartbreak imaginable, I've been good and tried not to break anyone's heart - or at least I try to. I've been working on myself to make sure that I'm the best version of me for you. I've been working on my career so that I'm busy during my wait.

Yet I can't help it - I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop thinking about the kids we'll have, how in love we will be, how it will all feel so amazing, all-consuming, like our hearts will burst any minute now. I can't wait to have week-long conversations with you, walking around town and talking about non-sense.

I'm so sick of getting my heart broken over and over again in my wait for you. Because truth be told, I don't know where you are now, or when you're gonna get here, so in between, I've been trying to find some recipient of all this love that I have and want to give and share. Maybe I've been looking in the wrong places, I don't know. But all I know is this - when you get here, we will defy anything that we've both ever felt, and it will feel like home.

It's 8:51PM and I'm feeling poetic.

Dear You,

Have you ever had those days when you just felt like the world could have been an empty abyss, and it would feel the same? Or those days when you wake up and it could be the same day over and over again and it didn't matter? Those are mostly my days these past few weeks. And by past few weeks I mean since New Year. I try not to be superstitious, but I'll have to admit, the start of the year wasn't very encouraging.

I wish you were here now, listening to my endless rants and telling me that things will be okay. We both know you have no way of knowing if things will indeed be okay, but just hearing you tell me it will be, seems to make things better.

I miss you. No, wait. I don't miss you - that means that you're not here with me. I love you. That means that you will always be with me, no matter where you are or what happens. That means that you live on in my heart, and that your memory will always be alive within me.

I hope you're doing fine wherever you are.

Hello, Self. Hello, 2018.

It's that time of the year again - when another year is slowly ushered into fruition. Or, basically, the last day of 2017. Don't know why I needed fluff to open the paragraph. Here's a weird photo of me instead:

Anyway. What a year. It has been a rollercoaster ride - to say the least. I did not know one could have as many ups and downs as I experienced this year. Let's see, what were the things I experienced this year?

The good:

• I became a yoga teacher
• I started teaching yoga regularly
• I started climbing (indoor, too chicken to do outdoor yet) 
• My consulting career is actually picking up (I wanted to write thriving, but who am I kidding?)

The bad:

• The yoga studio I loved (and taught at) closed
• Another heartbreak and lost opportunity at love (so melodramatic) 
• I had to sell my first car because it is dying on me
• I had more injuries than all my 30 years combined, all because now, I'm 'physically active'
• My depression came back (and then left again)

The ugly:

• I'm back on the dating scene (and I'm sick and tired of the whole "hi, what do you do? what are your likes/dislikes?"; small talk tires me out TBH)
• I'll need to audition again if I want to keep teaching yoga (I'm naturally an insecure introvert so this is a very real struggle for me)
• I realized I haven't processed (let alone accepted) the fact that I lost my mom

Again - what a year. But, in all of these, there's always something that I've learned. I learned that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, even if sometimes I sure as hell want to give up. I learned I'm resilient and resourceful, and when I really set my mind to it, I can achieve things I never thought I could. I also learned I am a serial procrastinator when given the chance, and when it hits me, there will be emails unread and messages I will not respond to. I learned it's okay to say no, to not be okay, and to choose yourself for a change.

Yet there are some things that I also want to change and do more of, because there's always room for improvement. These are in no means my New Year's resolution, because I found out I don't do well with resolutions. They are, however, a list of things I'm pretty sure I can do (and you can definitely call me out on this at any point in time during 2018).

Here are some of the things I want to do more of in and some of the things I know I need to do (even back in 2017):

• Keep practicing patience (in everything, especially when waiting in line or in traffic)
• Stick to my yoga practice + swimming + climbing combo (ha, sounds like a mixture of things you do in a video game)
• Keep thinking out of the box and making finding creative solutions a regular thing
• Be more grateful and appreciative, by saying 'thank you' more often, or telling people why I appreciate them
• Be more gritty
• Apologize and be accountable for your mistakes (and I know I've made a... lot)...
• ... but try not to be overly apologetic
• Write more letters (this has always been something I've wanted to do, since I want to relive the glory days of letter-writing)
• Be more loving and compassionate (especially to that damn car or that guy that cuts me in line)
• Be more kind and forgiving (especially to all the ghosts in my life LOL)
• (In relation to previous point) Learn to let go
• Be authentic, even if it's scary
• Stop worrying about money (it sounds like a cliché, but it really is just money)
• Read that email! 
• Reply to that text!
• Meditate! (and just breathe!)
• Continue my daily Reiki practice
• Keep writing in my journal (and maybe blog more? IDK)
• Travel more!
• Prepare more meals for myself and others
• Do the things that scare you, and remember that the Universe has your back

This is probably not a comprehensive list, but these are the intentions I'm setting as 2018 begins. I'm sure this'll change, or lengthen, depending on how life chooses to happen. But I'm pretty happy with this list, and hopefully, I can keep doing these, and then some.

Thank YOU for making it to this part of the blog and, well, Happy New Year! 

P.S. I suck at endings so we'll just have to pretend I ended this blog post with something either: a) witty; b) funny; or, c) insightful. Choose your own adventure! :) 

hi. or, more appropriately, bye.

i knew from the start you were trouble. my gut told me so, and i repeatedly ignored it. lesson learned - always listen to your intuition.

i know i'll never get an answer from you, and i particularly dislike the fact that you made up this facade of you being one thing, but actually are the complete opposite of what you said. i want to ask you so many things, especially why you lied. But alas, these are questions that will always remain unanswered, as i have no more time, energy, or patience to deal with you.

i will always dislike ghosts. and today is the day i purge you out of my life.

It's annoying. Really.

This is a bad idea. Replying to you was a terrible idea. And the fact that you engaged further in conversation? The worst.

This eats at me like cancer - wise words from the band Bad Suns. A band, which, uncannily enough, will always, always remind me of you. No matter what song, and even if they have a new album out. An album that we never even listened to together. The first album though, boy, what fond memories do I have with that.

Some days, I feel like I've run out of luck in this whole life and love thing. Like I keep saying, light and love can only bring you so far. I mean, light and love can't pay the bills after all. And no amount of it can get you out of my head. Seriously, why? I thought I was over this. And then you decide to drop me a line. WHY.

You are annoying. But what's more annoying is how my whole being is reacting (responding?) to this.

Living a Life From A New Perspective

As my friends and I were driving home from La Union, one thing struck me - we're all really just little children, making our way through the world. Don't get me wrong, we had an average age of 33.5 amongst the 6 of us, and so no - no one was "young". But, looking across each one in the car, and hearing all of our stories, we're all just trying to get through the next day, and the day after that. All the jobs or the stuff we own is just there to mask what we've been all trying to hide - that we're scared shitless and we don't really know what we're doing.

I guess I find comfort in the fact that I'm not the only one feeling that way.

don't be the weird one, girl.

i'm trying to stay calm and collected, playing the part of the cool, chill girl. let's admit it - i am anything but cool and chill.

i am seriously fighting the urge to send you 1,001 messages about how "cool" i am, and how we definitely connected and how this is really worth it. i'm pretty proud of the fact that at the end of the day, i won't send a single one, and all because i'm too proud. yes, i like you and yes, i think this situation sucks, but inasmuch as i would try everything, you've got to make a bit of an effort. reach out once in a while, that's not too much to ask, is it?

in the meantime, i will keep biting my tongue and write cryptic tweets and blogposts about you. that should suffice.

I'm not going to pretend that I know what I'm doing, because like the rest of us, I'm really simply winging it.

I can tell you a million and one things that I think are important to know or to remember, but I'm sure you have a notebook full of those already. The only thing I can give you is a story. A story of how I decided this can't possibly be the only way and changed how I see my life and the world around me.

You see, I fought a long and drawn-out battle with depression. I like to say it in the past tense because I think I won - for now. My doctor says it's possible that it will come back, but hopefully, I'm better equipped to see the symptoms and try to get myself out of it. But that's not even the worse part, I also struggle with thoughts of suicide which, in no way or manner, am I proud of. I have had countless thoughts about wanting to take my own life in various forms. Believe me, I researched so many ways to do it mainly because I want a quick and painless guaranteed death. But alas, the odds will always be against me. 19 out of 20 suicides fail the first time, and those that fail are 37 times more likely to succeed the second time around. I didn't want to be part of the 19, so I researched the heck out of it. For some reason, though, I just couldn't bring myself to go through with it. People always say that those who think about it but don't go through with it are simply attention seekers. Perhaps its true, but that does not mean that attention is not warranted.

For me, suicide seemed to be the only way out when everything was bleak. I had my first suicidal thought in high school when, during summer break, I had come across a guy I thought was cute. No, this is not some cheesy love story. I had given him my number, we had spoken a few times, and he ended up stalking me. Suffice it to say, it was just chaos. And all this time, I blamed myself for all of the bad things that happened. It was all my fault. If I just hadn't given my number, none of this would've happened. No one would have been exposed to danger. It got to a point where, I swore that if anything happened to anyone close to me, I would kill myself.

And so similar thoughts ensued, in different situations and because of different reasons. I'm not proud of these thoughts. But I think, it's time we talk about it. It's not healthy anymore when someone you know commits suicide. This can't possibly be the only way.

And yet, we shun people who are "emotional", "negative", telling them that they're too much of a burden or they're a drag to hang around. Don't say that. You don't know what that person is going through, has been through, or will have to go through. We all don't approach life the same way. Maybe you can ignore the hurt and pain, laugh through it or brush it off, but not everyone is as equipped as you are. Worse, not everyone has the support system that you probably do.

Why am I sharing this? Because I need you to know that the next time you through around the idea that a person is such a drag, so down, and that they should just "change their mindset", I want you to understand that it's not that easy, especially when someone is depressed.

The National Institute of Mental Health defines depression as: a common but serious mood disorder. It causes severe symptoms that affect how you feel, think, and handle daily activities such as sleeping, eating, or working. They may develop under unique circumstances. It is caused by a combination of genetic, biological, environmental, and psychological factors. So it's not just about feeling sad, or "changing your mind" about something, it is serious and we need to talk about it. We need to be more sensitive, and we need to be understanding.

It's not a joke and should not be treated as one. Lend out a helping hand, or if you think that it's something that you are not equipped to handle, ask them to see a professional. They can start with some of these: http://www.cefam.ph/mainpage.aspx, or http://www.emmausphil.org/.

Don't be ignorant. Be vigilant. Be sensitive. Better yet, be supportive.

I'm Seeing Red

I am so angry at you. I'm trying to figure out where this anger comes from, and I've come to realize that it comes from a place of disappointment.

I'm disappointed in you. You made me believe you were a different person than what you ended up to be.

I'm disappointed because you made me believe that you could be better than this.

I'm disappointed because you said you were mature enough to handle it, but apparently you weren't.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to choices. And you chose not to rise to the occasion.

I'm Drowning

Life. It's weird, obscure, macabre. It just happens. Bad things, good things, every thing. The Universe doesn't specifically shit on you - it shits on everybody. It just shits on everyone differently.

There's no telling what the human soul can endure. And let me tell you, in the past month, I have endured a lot. So much so that I don't know where all this strength is coming from. I guess it's true, you just keep on keeping on. There is no backward or sideward, there's only one way - forward. There is no stop, no rewind. Just play. And it's not even you that's pressing it. It will just keep on being like that even if you feel like falling off the Earth and evaporating into thin air.

Funny, I never thought life could get any worse. But then again, Murphy's law is always at play. It is true - anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Stupid Murphy.

Hang in there.

I sincerely thought that this year would be an incredible one for me. So many possibilities, or so I thought. I wasn’t expecting mom to get sick. And now so much of what I’ve been going through have stemmed from that. And I don’t know how I feel about that. 

I can’t begin to count how many times I’ve heard the words “hang in there”. Hang in there. Hang. In. There. Hang where? Where am I supposed to hang from? What am I supposed to hang on to? I feel like an empty void, so what exactly am I supposed to hang on to? 

They say I can manifest things. My thoughts become my truths. I think I’m gonna use that. I will use it until all the positivity has drained away from me and my energy source is nothing but light. 

So hang in there. Just a little bit more. 

happy (anniversary)

It's odd that I remember what today used to signify. I'm not really celebrating today, but I remember. And I think it doesn't help that Adele is playing on loop (guess what - Turning Tables is playing. Ha!).

I've been wondering about you lately. Just wondering. Nothing special, nothing noteworthy. Just wondering. You keep popping in and out of my thoughts, and I want to tell myself that that's ok. It's nothing to be worried about and it shouldn't fire warning signals in my head.

I think I am now understanding that it's not that easy to erase 7 years worth of memories.

The One Where I'm the Odd One Out.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, "To be nobody but yourself in a world that is constantly trying to change who you are - that is the greatest accomplishment."

I have always tried to stick to my guns, always making sure that everything I do resonates with who I am. In a way, integrate everything so that I am living out what I think, what I believe, who I am and who I want to be.

Oddly enough, with you, I feel like a fish out of water. All. the. time. I don't know how that makes me feel, because most of the time, I am just uncomfortable and I am kicking myself under the table. I'll admit, there are times when I overlook this or simply ignore it, because I want to be with you. I'm just not sure if that will be enough, given that sometimes, what you want out of life is not what I want.

I want to feel, and think, and meditate, and reflect. You just want to keep going. I want to stop and smell the roses, you barely even notice them. And what's worse is that, I don't even feel like you want to just spend time with me. Literally waste time sitting and doing nothing. You always want to be doing. And I don't know how I feel about that.

I Want to Keep On Keeping On.

Hello.

It's funny how long bus rides make me think about things that have long past. In this instance, they made me think about you. Unfortunately, I had around 6 hours worth of bus rides to think. And Coldplay, Bon Iver, and Sufjan Stevens do not help. I think I should change my playlist. I am on Spotify, after all.

I can't remember anything in particular, but I've just been wondering about you. I was broken when you left. You saw me broke and beaten. I wonder - did you ever break? Did it ever break you to see me like that, to wake up and realize we're not together anymore? To not see me next to you? I want to make it clear - I don't want you back. I cannot fathom why I ever said yes to you in the first place. I may not necessarily be in a better place without you, but I do not want to be with you. I guess I just want to know if you were as blinded with pain as I was.

I fight the urge to call you sometimes. I fight every single fiber of me that wants to ruin your life. Because that's not me. There is a side of me that is, but it is not my entirety. And every day, I fight these demons.

I hope one day, they disappear along with every thought of you.

Sa Tamang Panahon.

Sa totoo lang, gusto kong isigaw sa mundo kung gaano kita kamahal. Hindi ko alam kung kayang idaan sa salita, dahil ito lang ang tanging gamit ko para ilabas sa mundo ang pagmamahal na aking nararamdaman para sa iyo, pero susubukan ko. Gusto kong malaman ng mundo kung gaano ako kasaya tuwing kapiling kita. Namamangha ako sa aking nararamdaman, dahil ako'y kinakain nito at niluluwa ng buo kapag ikaw ay aking kasama.

Hindi ko alam kung ito rin ba ang iyong nararamdaman. Hindi ko rin alam kung nais mo rin bang malaman ng mundo kung ano ang nararamdaman mo. Ngunit minsan, may mga panahon na nakikita ko sa iyong mga mata at nadarama ko sa iyong mga yakap, na ito rin, kung hindi man higit pa, ang iyong nadarama para sa akin.

Kung kaya't ito lang ang masasabi ko. Mahal kita. Ng buong buo. Ng walang hanggan. Ng walang pagaalinlangan.

happy birthday to me

i don't understand why i should celebrate my birthday. i don't like making a fuss about it - it's just a day like any other. but on the other hand, this says a lot more about me than it does you.

but it's really not a big deal. i don't want to make a big deal about it, so please, why won't you just drop it?

Hostage.

I feel like I'm in a cage. I can't seem to get out, although I know that I can. Like I'm afraid to, somehow. That freedom may be the death of me.

Post. Day 1.

post-apocalypse? post-pseudo break-up? post- anything.

i lost another love today. i daresay i lost another part of me today. i don't know if it's me, the choices i make, or i am a terrible judge of character.

i miss you, though. i really do miss spending time with you and talking about nonsense while you laugh at me and my insane rants. i miss sleeping in your arms while you watch the movie we were supposed to watch together. i miss waking up next to you and hearing you greet me a simple "morning", even after i pointed it out to you that its GOOD morning. i miss our unbearably inappropriate, yet absolutely funny, inside jokes. i miss playing my music for you. i miss how you always take my hand in yours, put it next to your lips and kiss my hand tenderly. i miss watching you eat like the slowest snail i have ever seen. i miss hearing you tell me how amazing i am, even though deep down, i find it hard to believe that you find me such. heck, i even miss how you're always late, even though you promise that you'll never be late again much to my chagrin.

but no matter how much i miss you, the fact will always remain that you have your own battles inasmuch as i have my own. and no amount of missing you will make you face those battles any faster. you'll have to deal with them on your own time, in your own space, with as much courage as you can muster. i still do pray you find that courage, and i still offer you all my support. i hope you figure your shit out and do what you need to do, so you can finally do what you want to do. and always, at the end of the day, i pray that one day, you wake up and find that you choose me.