thief.

i feel so bad. i'm stealing a whole person here. i really should stop.

i'm stealing someone else's inspiration. i'm stealing someone else's hope for hope. i'm stealing everybody else's hope for love. and in all this, i don't feel worthy. no, im not worthy.

i'm so mad because i let myself get this way. i thought i was okay all alone but it turns out that im not.

hmm.. i started a novel last year. it's called the diary of an 18-year-old suicide. i was thinking of finishing it, but i'm almost 20 and i'm still alive so, whatever.

i feel duped. like i was lied to or something. this always, always happens. and though i see it, i dont hit the brakes. the lights were all up in my face but i ignored it.

stupid, stupid me.

messed up but loving it.

i





am



so




confused!

i dont know what to do any more. but the thing is, i think i kinda like it.



won't someone please save me????

the heart dies slowly...

go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
... i cant stop thinking about what happened. what will happen now?

when you fall everyone stands, another day and you've had your fill of sinking
... funny, but im sinking in my own thoughts and i cant expect anyone to care

with the life held in your hands are shaking cold, these hands are meant to hold
... i wonder. was i really meant to hold anybody else's hand? or perhaps i was meant to shiver alone.

speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong move along, move along like I know you do
... apparently, i cant let it out anymore. i feel that when i speak, i bring people down with me. its just depressing to listen to a depressed person.

and even when your hope is gone, move along, move along just to make it through
... indeed moving and moving and moving is the only solution. in my case, its working, working, and working.

so a day when you've lost yourself completely
... im afraid i've already lost me.

could be a night when your life ends
... oohhh, dont tempt me.

such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
... it seems that the only thing im good at is deceiving and nobody knows it.

all the pain held in your hands are shaking cold, your hands are mine to hold
... the pain just wont - cant - go away. no more, no more. im tired.

right back what is wrong, we move along.

all the things that i couldn't have

today is the worst day ever. just when i've started to get comfy, things get rocky. that's life for you.

i was at the brink of salvation. we were right there, i was about to climb off the edge. but he had to leave and he left me with nothing. and so here i am, falling again. i think i might have gone over the edge this time.

just when i thought i was going to be okay, just when i found something to hang on to, it disappears. i dont think there's any going back anymore.

[not for all the love in the world, THE THRILLS] you show your age / when you drown your rage / but i see past those laughter lines / so baby, lets play tonight / i got a tank full of gas till light / yeah we can drive for miles and miles / but you just said / 'Not for all the love in the world' / 'Not for all the love in the world' / cause she didnt realize, now thats a lotta love / how dreams fade / and all the underdogs get laid / left your heart in the hands of a jugglin clown / and so you crave recognition / but the keys to the city went missing / people are all puzzles to be figured out / but you just said / 'Not for all the love in the world' / 'Not for all the love in the world' / cause she didnt realize, now thats alotta love oh oh / i guess that everybody / went to a better part of me / not for all the love in the world / not for all the love in the world / but she didnt realize, now thats a lotta love.

this time, im full of rage. no more faking it. no more hurting anymore. they think its not important, but i'd give up the whole world for just one more. i'd give it all up for one more..you.

[dakota, STEREOPHONICS] thinking about thinking of you / summertime think it was june / yeah think it was june / laying back, head on the grass / children grown having some laughs / yeah having some laughs / made me feel like the one / made me feel like the one / the one / made me feel like the one / made me feel like the one / the one / drinking back, drinking for two / drinking with you / and drinking was new / sleeping in the back of my car / we never went far / needed to go far / made me feel like the one / made me feel like the one / the one / made me feel like the one / made me feel like the one / the one / i don’t know where we are going now / i don’t know where we are going now / wake up cold coffee and juice / remembering you / what happened to you? / i wonder if we’ll meet again / talk about us instead / talk about why did it end / made me feel like the one / made me feel like the one / the one / made me feel like the one / made me feel like the one
The one / i don’t know where we are going now / i don’t know where we are going now / so take a look at me now.

yep, you made me feel like the one - like i was one. cobwebs, cobwebs, cobwebs. im caught up in cobwebs that bury me further as i struggle to get out. constant, constant, constant. no constancy in life to look forward to.

what am i running from?

i, hate.

i hate christmas. its been 2 years already.

F.O.

fuck off.

dont you dare tell me what to do.

dont you dare.

one year

its been a bad year.

merry christmas.