i've got issues.

yes, i too have got issues.

i hate how people never recognize other people's worth. i hate how people are so consumed by their own little world that they have also been consumed by apathy. i hate how people dont care about anything else but themselves anymore. i hate how some people care too much about everything and everyone yet no one seems to care about them anymore.

a sad song is playing on the radio. yes, i also have the ability to rant sometimes. i rant through writing and i cant see it any other way. im so amazed at how other people can be really open and tell the world about how they feel about things. i, unfortunately, do not have that capability as i am afriad to let people know how i feel because i am afraid to lose them, not knowing that by remaining silent, i have lost them already.

a teacher told me that if your conscience calls for you to speak, and you did not, then you should be barred from speaking. perhaps that is why i have never spoken up ever again since that incident.

i am envious of people who are not afraid to show the world who they really are. unfortunately, i have grown so accustomed to fake smiles and sarcasm that i cant see it any other way. i cope best by wearing a mask that no one sees. nobody seems to notice that i am anybody else but myself. nobody seems to know nor are aware that they arent talking to me.

some days i feel like someone else. like im a mere audience in a day-long movie where someone who looks and talks like me seems to be the primary actor.

unfortunately, the ending never seems to be happy.

warning: i'm speaking

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.....

i just finished one veeeeeerrrrryyyy long assignment. might as well called it a research paper because of the extensive research work you need to get it done. hmm.. come to think of it.. maybe i should sue.

i had a really bad week. and i'm guessing more bad weeks are gonna come. so here i go again, as i vent out what i want to say.

you know what? i think i'd rather keep that to myself. if you cant say anything good then just shut up.

"lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking off her clothes." - natalie portman, CLOSER

down in the dumps

i missed a whole month. dont ask why. maybe i did it on purpose because i just didnt want to remember all the things that happened. i still dont yet i do. more often than not, i dream about what i dont want to think about.

maybe i didnt try too hard. or maybe i tried to hard that i failed. i dont know. either way, i'm too tired to do it all over again. no amount of regretting will bring it back any way. all i can do is move on and pray for a better day.

yet again im still not where im supposed to be. perhaps in being where i want to be, i am truer to myself. so maybe my calling in life was to become a groupie. who cares?

another email address isnt gonna solve my problem of loneliness. it will just add to the intensity of the reality that i am what i am - truly alone and depressed.

still no word or sign of hope from anyone. maybe they have forsaken and forgotten about me. or maybe i have forsaken and forgotten myself. im not really in the mood to rationalize this anger and hurt that i feel. yes, i am less angry than i was a half an hour ago. but that does not hide the fact that yes, i was hurt. yes, i feel too. yes, i too am a human being and i also have the right to get mad.

but then the principle of responsibilities over rights suddenly slaps itself across my forehead and i am left to wallow in sadness alone, feeling hurt and depressed.

i hate it that people are now moving away from each other and are being more and more individualistic. self first before anyone else. i hate it that they are all starting to become apathetic and that the cynic in me is screaming out that it won - that trusting people in good faith never works.

it just bites you back in the ass.

let's see...

let's see. i'm sitting here, staring at the computer screen and trying to think of reasons why i'm still not where i want to be. apparently, i have been holding back on almost everything and this time, i'll start to do it my way.

so perhaps i really am a groupie deep deep down. perhaps whatever it is i read was right. im too afraid to make a fool out of myself to let me enjoy things the way i want to do so. perhaps i keep on thinking of what people think to actually think for myself. perhaps i'm such a people-pleaser that i forget that the only two people i'm supposed to please are myself and God. perhaps i keep on forgetting that my worst enemy is me.

i think the worst thing that i ever do is that i think too much. everything just has to be over-analyzed. everything just has to be perfect, just the way that they should be. perhaps i overlooked the fact that maybe things are imperfect because they were supposed to be that way. i tend to forget that imperfection was created just that way - to be imperfect.

never did i think that i would reach this certain cathartic state. perhaps im this way right now because im too high on mefenamic acid to even realize that the world still exists outside or perhaps i really have understood myself enough to say that this isnt what i wanted myself to become.

perhaps now i can start being me.

after 5 seconds

i'll be leaving tomorrow. i really don't know how i feel, but here it goes:

anxious. happy. excited. sad. lonely. tired. alone. mad. agitated. my head is aching. i don't wanna go anymore. i hate my companions. i need sleep. i'm scared i'll get lost. i miss my music. i wanna eat ice cream. i hope i dont run out of money in a foreign country.

just how i feel

Tell you where you need to go
Tell you when you need to leave
Tell you what you need to know
Tell you who you need to be
Everything inside you knows there's more than what you've heard
So much more than empty conversation filled with empty words
And you're on fire when He's near you
You're on fire when
He speaks You're on fire, burning at these mysteries
Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything
You are Give me one more chance to be
Everything inside me looks like everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change,
You are the only chance I'll take
When I'm on fire when You're near me
I'm on fire when You speak
I'm on fire burning at these mysteries
These mysteries
I've been standing on the edge of me
standing on the edge of me
standing on the edge of me
standing on the edge of me
standing on the edge of everything
I've never been before
And I've been standing on the edge of me standing on the edge
And I'm on fire when You're near me
I'm on fire when You speak I'm on fire burning at these mysteries

ON FIRE, switchfoot

indeed.

i'd known it all along. that i was not ready to show them who i was or what i thought. perhaps it is because im scared that they will reject me for who i am, that they will laugh at what i think and step on things that i value the most. perhaps silence is better and there are things that really should be left unsaid. i may talk too much, but i dont say anything at all. it's weird because some people actually listen to the words falling out of my mouth, not knowing that perhaps that they are just gibberish that fill the awkwardness of my being in that moment. perhaps i really dont mean anything at all.