there's a sadness about you..

Dear whoever-gets-to-read-this,

This is an attempt to let out all that i have kept in for God-knows-how-long. I haven’t been the kindest of all people, or the smartest, or even the prettiest. To be honest, if there is anything that i have ever been good at, its probably self pity. And so this letter (or whatever this is) is my final attempt at self pity. Im hoping that after this, i’ve poured out every ounce of self pity so that its all gone and ive emptied myself enough to actually let anything good in.

For the longest time, i have prayed for a love that is all-consuming and crazy and great. And for once, i actually got a shot at that. At first, i thought i was great at it, but i found out that, well, just like anything else in my life, i wasn’t really hitting the mark. And so instead of making someone better because of my love for him, im afraid i actually dragged him down with me. I always thought that whoever would love me would accept me for who i am, and for the most part, a great big chunk of me is just a lonely girl buried in, well, loneliness. And all the while i thought that someone would love me because of my sadness. I really never thought it was a turn-off. Until i was made to face that fact that sadness isn’t so attractive or endearing or whatever.

Looking back now i realize perhaps i was destined to be alone. And it has come to my attention that maybe i should set him free so that he can be happy and he can find his happiness, even if that means not being happy with me. Im not really the happiest of people. Or the most ambitious. Right now all i want to do is just crawl into a hole and be forgotten about. Just earn enough for a sustenance, and that’s it. Barely get by. And when the time comes, just silently die.

Come to think of it, why don’t i get on with the ending? We’ll all get there sooner or later, and right now, i sure as hell wouldn’t mind getting there right about now.

I don’t wanna go through this anymore. I haven’t been the best of daughters, or sister, or employee, and most of all, girlfriend. Why not just end it all? Just when you think this was your year, things just had to go haywire.

Such fragile broken things. That’s what we all are and i am so tired of being so fragile. Or broken. Or sad. Please, anybody, please make it stop.

i pray for a new perspective.

I feel the salty waves come in
I feel them crash against my skin
And I smile as I respire because I know they'll never win
There's a haze above my TV
That changes everything I see
And maybe if I continue watching
I'll lose the traits that worry me

Can we fast-forward til you go down on me?
Stop there and let me correct it
I wanna live a life from a new perspective
You come along because I love your face
And I'll admire your expensive taste
And who cares divine intervention
I wanna be praised from a new perspective
But leaving now would be a good idea
So catch me up im getting out of here
(Can we fast-forward til you go down on me?)

Taking everything for granted but we still respect the time
We move along with some new passion knowing everything is fine
And I would wait and watch the hours fall in a hundred separate lines
But I regain repose and wonder how I ended up inside

Can we fast-forward til you go down on me?
Stop there and let me correct it
I wanna live a life from a new perspective
You come along because I love your face
And I'll admire your expensive taste
And who cares divine intervention
I wanna be praised from a new perspective
But leaving now would be a good idea
So catch me up im getting out of here
Catch me up im getting out of here

More to the point, I need to show
How much I can come and go
Other plans fell through
And put a heavy load on you
I know there's no more that need be said
When I'm inching through your bed
Take a look around instead and watch me go

Stop there and let me correct it
I wanna live a life from a new perspective
You come along because I love your face
And I'll admire your expensive taste
And who cares divine intervention
I wanna be praised from a new perspective
But leaving now would be a good idea
So catch me up im getting out of here

It's not fair, just let me perfect it
Don't wanna live a life that was comprehensive
'Cause seeing clear would be the bad idea
Now catch me up im getting out of here
So catch me up I'm getting out of here

detached anger

and so the recent events have led me to realize that perhaps this anger is of a detached kind, the kind that made my blood boil for no reason, and yet, it is its not like i was the one at a loss, so i cant really tell why this is wrong or on how so many levels, this is just unjust.

perhaps a detached kind of emotion is what i should begin to master. i must master the art of deception, deceiving even myself into thinking that it does not really matter or that i dont really care. perhaps when i have mastered detachment, you can tell me that we can end this.

until then, i will keep pretending.

where are you now?

where are you? i want you to know that i miss you. i want you to know that being apart is not the best thing in the world.

can i borrow this for a while?

"My life is just a place somewhere in the world. Maybe it's a lot like your world, maybe it's nothing like it. But if you look closer, you might see someone like you.

Someone trying to find their way.
Someone trying to find their place.
Someone trying to find their self.

Sometimes it seems like you are the only one in the world who's struggling, who's frustrated, unsatisfied, barely getting by. But that feeling's a lie. And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find you and make it all okay, because we all need a little help sometimes.

Someone to help us hear the music in their world, to remind us that it won't always be this way. That someone is out there. And that someone will find you."

why sadness is hard to forget

trying to be something that you are not used to is difficult. trying to be a different version of yourself that you have not been is difficult. simply trying is difficult. so why do we try? why do we want to be somebody else when there are other things that we need to fulfill? because change is constant, they say. because if you do not change you will be left behind, they remind you.

trying to love more that you can is difficult. simply loving is difficult. it includes not just being happy but also being sad and lonely, being angry and understanding, trusting beyond what one can comprehend. so why do we love? because love makes the world go round, they say. because love can sustain us during the trying times, they add. because without love, living is not worth it, they remind you.

do we listen to what others say? or do we believe in what our hearts and minds tell us? do we even realize that what we think and feel is simply the result of reminders and sayings of people who have come before us? that sometimes, though we think that our thoughts is something unique to ourselves, that in reality our thoughts were borne out of ideas that were crafted in our minds by people who have influenced us? that perhaps, there is not one original thought in the world, except for the very first person who ever existed, from where all the thoughts and ideas and emotions came from.

why do we give in to emotions? why do we give in to only half of the spectacle? how come it is hard to have both? how come we must choose only one? if there was a choice for everyone, how come some people are left with nothing? how come some people only give and give and give and are taken for granted while some people take and take and take and complain that it is not enough?

what is the point of existence? of trying? of loving? of happiness? of sadness? of simply being?

pain in a suitcase

it sucks to wear your heart on your sleeve, where everything is open for everyone to see and poke sticks at.

this is why jumping in is stupid. this is why jumping without thinking about it and weighing the options and looking at the pros and cons is inconsiderably dumb. this is why i want to climb back up from this stupid leap that i took.

shet shet shet. this is so stupid. enough of this already.

everybody says that you should quit while you're ahead. does that apply to this situation too?