there's a sadness about you..

Dear whoever-gets-to-read-this,

This is an attempt to let out all that i have kept in for God-knows-how-long. I haven’t been the kindest of all people, or the smartest, or even the prettiest. To be honest, if there is anything that i have ever been good at, its probably self pity. And so this letter (or whatever this is) is my final attempt at self pity. Im hoping that after this, i’ve poured out every ounce of self pity so that its all gone and ive emptied myself enough to actually let anything good in.

For the longest time, i have prayed for a love that is all-consuming and crazy and great. And for once, i actually got a shot at that. At first, i thought i was great at it, but i found out that, well, just like anything else in my life, i wasn’t really hitting the mark. And so instead of making someone better because of my love for him, im afraid i actually dragged him down with me. I always thought that whoever would love me would accept me for who i am, and for the most part, a great big chunk of me is just a lonely girl buried in, well, loneliness. And all the while i thought that someone would love me because of my sadness. I really never thought it was a turn-off. Until i was made to face that fact that sadness isn’t so attractive or endearing or whatever.

Looking back now i realize perhaps i was destined to be alone. And it has come to my attention that maybe i should set him free so that he can be happy and he can find his happiness, even if that means not being happy with me. Im not really the happiest of people. Or the most ambitious. Right now all i want to do is just crawl into a hole and be forgotten about. Just earn enough for a sustenance, and that’s it. Barely get by. And when the time comes, just silently die.

Come to think of it, why don’t i get on with the ending? We’ll all get there sooner or later, and right now, i sure as hell wouldn’t mind getting there right about now.

I don’t wanna go through this anymore. I haven’t been the best of daughters, or sister, or employee, and most of all, girlfriend. Why not just end it all? Just when you think this was your year, things just had to go haywire.

Such fragile broken things. That’s what we all are and i am so tired of being so fragile. Or broken. Or sad. Please, anybody, please make it stop.