sharp hint of new tears

On the way home,
this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.
This weather.
The wind outside is biting.
It has left me feeling tired & exposed.
You've been asking me to bleed.
It seems these kinds of questions
They come too easy to you now.
Your lack of shame comes naturally.
I should not be suprised.
I should have seen it sooner.

You expect me to apologize
for things that you've done wrong.
While you're inciting others.
You're owning up to nothing
and I wish that I was gone,
because you're not going anywhere.

This damp air
is fighting my defroster.
My sighs they ring victorious
& fog this tinted glass.
It's clouded
& so is my head.
The hint of these new tears are sharp.
I try to choke them back.
But it's useless.
I am useless against them.
They are beating me with ease.

On the way home
this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.

i hope he never hears my confessions. i hope nobody ever finds out. right about now, nobody really knows.. knows who i am, or who he is or what he means to me. maybe i can find some way to let him know. but its definitely not gonna be anytime soon. he's been awfully cold lately. never mind, its his loss anyway.

collide

The dawn is breaking

A light shining through

You're barely waking

And I'm tangled up in you

Yeah

I'm open, you're closed

Where I follow, you'll go

I worry I won't see your face

Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seem to rhyme

Out of the doubt that fills my mind

I somehow find

You and I collide

I'm quiet you know

You make a first impression

I've found I'm scared to know

I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the stars refuse to shine

Out of the back you fall in time

I somehow find

You and I collide

Don't stop here

I've lost my place

I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seem to ryhme

Out of the doubt that fills your mind

You finally find

You and I collide

You finally find

You and I collide

You finally find

You and I collide

i think i love you now. please don't ever leave. i hope you never find out.

won't take no for an answer...

i wont take no for an answer. i cant believe how close-minded and shallow he is. i hate him, i hate him, i hate him. i cant believe he wont let me go. i'd rather die than say no. why cant he see it my way??? he's so shallow and selfish, he's driving me insane! i'm glad he's always away, and heck i wish he'd be away the same time i'd have to leave. i hate him i hate him i hate him. i regret ever going here. no wonder i was having thousands of second thoughts about going here. i reckon i now know why.

yet again i am hung up on another guy. i knew the others were just playing me like a fool. well newsflash: I AINT STUPID. i'm not brilliant either, but i definitely am not stupid. i knew all those stories were too good to be true.

let's talk about other things, shall we? yet again i am smitten, weak, call it what you want --- just dont call it LURVE cause it definitely aint lurve. trust me. well, i'm back in the game again and here i am for the nth time, trying to figure out things that do not need figuring out in the first place. oh how i feel pathetic right at this moment. but honestly, i go crazy at the sight of him. i hold my breath every time he talks to me. i melt at the slightest touch from his fingers. my heart skips a beat whenever he hugs me. and worst of all, i squeal and scream whenever i get the chance. i hate this. i never knew february could get so depressing. but then again, it is that time of year again, when i --- yes i --- am the loneliest person on earth.

to whoever is reading this right now, i know i dont make sense. better yet, dont try and figure me out because i'll just drive you nuts. take whatever i write for what it truly is --- a bunch of gibberish.

dont believe anything i say

as i stare at the computer screen, nothing seems to come to my mind. i know i have a million and one things to say, but i just can't bring myself to say them. but here goes nothing:

so many bad things have happened in my life and in the world around us. although everyone sees me politely smiling when they pass by, they don't know that i'm just faking it. they don't know that i'm slowly dying - although not literally, i feel that my essence is slowly slipping away from me. they don't know that i wake up in the middle of the night, crying for no apparent reason. they dont know that i feel like the loneliest person on earth even though i'm surrounded by supportive friends and a loving family. they dont know that i trudge through everyday, dragging myself as i go along. they dont know that the days seem to be the same to me - that every day is merely a blur. nobody knows that i'm so overwhelmed with the sense of hopelessness that i'm actually reconsidering doing the one thing i swore i would never do again.

i never thought all this pretending would drain the life out of me. i never thought i would get tired of it. and although i would like to stop pretending and become a misnomer, i know well enough i wouldnt be able to pull it off. i reckon being myself - the real real me - would be even more tiring because i dont even know who i really am in the first place. even if i keep on muttering that this happens to the best of us, who am i kidding? i know well enough to realize that i was never the best at anything. lucky, maybe, but never the best.

and so i am left with one mind-boggling question: what is my place in the world? why am i here and what is it that i am supposed to do?

life got cold

life got cold - girls aloud

we text as we eat
as we listen to the freaks
as we wait for the right of way
we text as we talk
we're running as we walk
cos we're several little souls away
we smoke as we choke
as we sink another Coke
and we grin when it blows our mind
we skate as we date
as we slowly suffocate
we're running, we're running, we're running
out of time
my life got cold
it happened many years ago
when summer slipped away
so chill now oh
we've got many years to go
so take it day by day
and long ago
i lost my soul
to some forgotten dream and
how was I supposed to know
it wasn't what it seemed
and even though the last hello
has left me on the floor
i don't believe in Romeos or heroes anymore
we spend as we mend
cos we're happy to pretend
everything's gonna be OK
we shake as we break
never giving 'til we take
and we hate when we have to pay
we flirt while we work
to forget about the hurt
and the trash that we left behind
we sink as we swim
the ice is wearing thin
we're running, we're running, we're running
out of time
my life got cold
it happened many years ago
when summer slipped away
so chill now oh
we've got many years to go
so take it day by day
and long ago
i lost my soul
to some forgotten dream and
how was I supposed to know
it wasn't what it seemed
and even though the last hello
has left me on the floor
i don't believe in Romeos or heroes anymore
my life got cold
it happened many years ago
when summer slipped away
so chill now oh
we've got many years to go
so take it day by day
and on the go
i lost my soul
to some forgotten dream and
how was I supposed to know
it wasn't what it seemed
and even though the last hello
has left me on the floor
i don't believe in Romeos or heroes anymore

sucks to be me.

it's about time

its weird but i cant seem to stop listening to sad songs today... my head is aching and my eyes are red... go figure... i'm listening to the verve pipe right now, just gotta love their song "freshmen". .. funny thing about me these days is that i seem to be terribly inclined to anything punk and angry.. figures. i'm guessing the holidays aren't going too well for me. but don't get me wrong, i love the holidays...just lounging around and doing nothing....

i'm thinking of sending him a novel... well, actually, its a long letter filled with all my feelings, emotions, and discrepancies regarding what happened between the both of us... but then again, my friend told me not to do so. i really dont remember why she told me not to, but she must've probably had a good reason for doing so. i dunno. thoughts are running through my mind right now. i really dont want to keep it all bottled up. i want to walk up to him and tell it all right in fron of his face. but then again, i dont think i have the guts to do so. funny how we can bravely say anything to ourselves and to our friends, but we never really end up doing it. goes to show the mouth is bigger than the brain.

my mom just informed me of the disasters plaguing the asian region. how sad. its weird, though, how all these calamities regarding the water is happening this time of the year in the most bountiful continent in the world. first the typhoons, now the tidal waves and tsunamis. what's next, Godzilla? -- okay, i'm thinking the rhetorical question isnt really helpful, or funny for that matter, but i just wanted to throw in that pun for no obvious reason. dont mind me. the weirdness of my being is just getting to me.

hmm... i just love the calling. cant seem to stop listening to their records... if only love could find us all...

shame on me

i cannot believe i fell into this trap yet again... but wait, i seem to get hauled in by that bait every single time... i just cannot believe im stupefied by this guy who tries to act all cute and shit and actually has a girlfriend.. i also cannot believe that it happened to me four times in a row... im guessing another one like it will break my heart and might just kill me this time.. right now i'm listening to TC and one song just took the words out of my mouth:

what's the way of love?

tell me your fiction / tell me your lies / say to me now you'll never forget this night / i'm feeling emotionless / my head's so clear / my enemies aren't the ones i fear / you know your kiss confuses / this troubling soul / and i found out / that we're all breaking hearts / yeah we're all broken hearts

if only love could find us all / if only hearts didn't have to fall / we can't mislead to make things / so instead we'll sleep alone tonight

what's the way of love?

you are thinking im crazy / but you're blushing of lust / i've heard a lot of nice things / but tell me which ones i'm to trust / the walls are made of glass / and they have been known to crack / but until then / you keep pushing my way / i'll keep pushing you away

if only love could find us all / if only hearts didn't have to fall / we can't mislead to make things right / so instead we'll sleep alone tonight, yeah

well if you wanna take a chance / and try to make things right / you better have a reason to be loved / yeah we all want something more / that it is worth fighting for

if only love could find us all / if only hearts didn't have to fall / we can't mislead to make things right / so instead we'll sleep alone tonight

and if somehow fate were in my hands / would it be enough to understand / why we feel lost in a world so small / if only love could find us all -"If Only" The Calling

i don't understand why things never turn out the way they're supposed to be. its like fate is - in itself - twisted that it never ever ends up right. but then again maybe it isnt my time yet. but if you really think about it, when is my time? when i'm shriveled, old, and gray?! or maybe when i'm laid in a coffin?! its so unbelievable how certain songs remind me of a certain exact feeling at an exact time whenever i hear that song over and over again. sometimes, its heartbreakingly accurate that the song is immediately associated with the person in question.

another funny thing is how music is so intricately woven into my life that if i lose my music, its as if i lose my only outlet of self-expression. lets just say i see myself in what i listen to. my moods are dictated by the kind of music that i listen to. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that if you really want to know how I feel right about now, just listen to the songs “if only” by The Calling and “life got cold” by Girls Aloud. Maybe then someone could actually help me out.