let's be honest, shall we?

okay. there have been a ton of changes in my life. for one, this was not the job i originally pictured myself doing. no, i never dreamed of working and living in manila. and no, i didn't think i'd be in a relationship with him.

some days, i think i let myself just run with the flow. and because i did that, i had to lose a whole lot in the process. it's not to say that i don't like where i am now, it's just that, well, i pictured things differently. but then again, you don't always get what you want, right? at best, you just get what you need to get by.

i miss writing. and when my boss bludgeoned to death one letter i crafted, i felt heartbroken. i began to question my writing abilities and thinking, maybe i am not as good as i thought i was. perhaps i am just as ordinary as the next person. i don't know.

i hate all these questions. i hate all these uncertainties and doubts.

perhaps i am negative. but that's what keeps me grounded. and being down here is much better for me than being stuck up in the clouds.

and no, i don't want to be stuck up.

great, they just gave me another year to die.

this sucks. they just gave me another year. and truth be told, i dont want it. you can have it if you want. i just dont want another year to suffer. i dont want another year to hear you complain about me. i dont want another year for everyone to step on me again. i just dont.

in a haze of confusion.

hey. we haven't talked in a while.

i miss you.

what am i gonna do now? tell me what to do, then tell me that i have the strength to do what i need to. its killing me. my situation now, and you not talking to me.

you said you were glad and that i looked happy. do i look happy to you now? you tell me, because you always have the answers. what am i gonna do?

i lost you, and that drama's over now. but what about this one? i don't know if i want to let this go or keep on fighting. i don't want to feel like this anymore.

help me, won't you please?

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f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k

you made a f***ing fool out of me. how the hell do you think i feel!??!?!?!!?!?!

there's a sadness about you..

Dear whoever-gets-to-read-this,

This is an attempt to let out all that i have kept in for God-knows-how-long. I haven’t been the kindest of all people, or the smartest, or even the prettiest. To be honest, if there is anything that i have ever been good at, its probably self pity. And so this letter (or whatever this is) is my final attempt at self pity. Im hoping that after this, i’ve poured out every ounce of self pity so that its all gone and ive emptied myself enough to actually let anything good in.

For the longest time, i have prayed for a love that is all-consuming and crazy and great. And for once, i actually got a shot at that. At first, i thought i was great at it, but i found out that, well, just like anything else in my life, i wasn’t really hitting the mark. And so instead of making someone better because of my love for him, im afraid i actually dragged him down with me. I always thought that whoever would love me would accept me for who i am, and for the most part, a great big chunk of me is just a lonely girl buried in, well, loneliness. And all the while i thought that someone would love me because of my sadness. I really never thought it was a turn-off. Until i was made to face that fact that sadness isn’t so attractive or endearing or whatever.

Looking back now i realize perhaps i was destined to be alone. And it has come to my attention that maybe i should set him free so that he can be happy and he can find his happiness, even if that means not being happy with me. Im not really the happiest of people. Or the most ambitious. Right now all i want to do is just crawl into a hole and be forgotten about. Just earn enough for a sustenance, and that’s it. Barely get by. And when the time comes, just silently die.

Come to think of it, why don’t i get on with the ending? We’ll all get there sooner or later, and right now, i sure as hell wouldn’t mind getting there right about now.

I don’t wanna go through this anymore. I haven’t been the best of daughters, or sister, or employee, and most of all, girlfriend. Why not just end it all? Just when you think this was your year, things just had to go haywire.

Such fragile broken things. That’s what we all are and i am so tired of being so fragile. Or broken. Or sad. Please, anybody, please make it stop.

i pray for a new perspective.

I feel the salty waves come in
I feel them crash against my skin
And I smile as I respire because I know they'll never win
There's a haze above my TV
That changes everything I see
And maybe if I continue watching
I'll lose the traits that worry me

Can we fast-forward til you go down on me?
Stop there and let me correct it
I wanna live a life from a new perspective
You come along because I love your face
And I'll admire your expensive taste
And who cares divine intervention
I wanna be praised from a new perspective
But leaving now would be a good idea
So catch me up im getting out of here
(Can we fast-forward til you go down on me?)

Taking everything for granted but we still respect the time
We move along with some new passion knowing everything is fine
And I would wait and watch the hours fall in a hundred separate lines
But I regain repose and wonder how I ended up inside

Can we fast-forward til you go down on me?
Stop there and let me correct it
I wanna live a life from a new perspective
You come along because I love your face
And I'll admire your expensive taste
And who cares divine intervention
I wanna be praised from a new perspective
But leaving now would be a good idea
So catch me up im getting out of here
Catch me up im getting out of here

More to the point, I need to show
How much I can come and go
Other plans fell through
And put a heavy load on you
I know there's no more that need be said
When I'm inching through your bed
Take a look around instead and watch me go

Stop there and let me correct it
I wanna live a life from a new perspective
You come along because I love your face
And I'll admire your expensive taste
And who cares divine intervention
I wanna be praised from a new perspective
But leaving now would be a good idea
So catch me up im getting out of here

It's not fair, just let me perfect it
Don't wanna live a life that was comprehensive
'Cause seeing clear would be the bad idea
Now catch me up im getting out of here
So catch me up I'm getting out of here