post-recording: independent thinking

today was a mixture of stuffs. it was the best and the worst of what is to come (?).

it all starts with a day at the office: at first, my friend and i were doing quite well. we even had a "mini-seminar" with one of the smartest people i've ever conversed with. the three of us were having fun, chatting about everything from politics, to culture, to the structure of the office, to philosophy, and to religion. we were okay up until lunch time and my friend and i were getting suspicious why we werent assigned to anything yet. and so we asked. little did i know what was to come. it seemed that a rumor went out that we said that our work was irrelevant to our course. at first we totally denied ever saying anything like that, but then i remembered, i was relaying to my friend the experience of my "officemate" who graduated biology and computer engineering but was now in community development work. apparently, it was taken out of context by the person who happened to eavesdrop. for the rest of the day, i felt really bad - more especially because the only officemate who was sensible enough to talk to is leaving in the morning, leaving me all alone to fend for myself. it made me think about the world after graduation. is it all about rumors and backbiting? all about pulling each other down?

then the afternoon came and i was totally not in the mood to go to classes. i was undeniably unprepared for the last 2 classes that i had to attend. on top of that, my really hunky teacher (who is just that, mind you) isnt doing a really good job of inspiring me to study. i mean, i LOVE philosophy, but he seems to be killing the subject. whatever. i dont think im in the mood to write about my classes which do not seem to have any point at this juncture.

the best part of the day was after the classes. my friend who wrote and arranged a song for the yearly songwriting contest was waiting for me at the office. apparently, we were to practice his piece at the recording studio of his friend. and so, for the better part of the evening, i was at the studio, jamming with the rest of the band. by the end of the night (right around midnight), i was singing AND playing a black electric guitar that had fender amplifiers. wicked.

i realized then what i was missing: the essentials. my dream. i lost sight of what i really wanted in life. now, i cant seem to get that back.

'its not the x and y's that matter. in the end, its the abc's.'

rose-colored glasses

determine. determination. deteriorate.

how do you forget? how do you erase someone from your memory? how do you wish someone away? why do i still want him?

words to live by: DONT FALL IN LOVE.

a little black skirt isnt going to fix what i've destroyed - its gonna push him farther away. a little more shoving and i might just jump over the edge. i have had enough of love and life and pain. i just want to get away from it all.

in the case that my heart stops beating, the whole time it was, it was also wishing for you to stay.

its so hard when your soul's already dead and people expect you to live when there's no reason to anymore. its so disappointing when the only person you ever let in pushes you out. its so painful to realize that life doesn't really give a damn but you still do. its destroying me. you're destroying me.

a little more to the left and i know its over.

cotton plums colored red

so i'm here in this coffee shop, typing my entry away as my friends sip on their lattes and whatnots. i've already finished my cup of mocha larcepuccino so i'm not pressured.

i am, however, depressed. and this is the first time i'm ever gonna say it out loud.

i realize i need my own blanket, my own outlet. and this year has been particularly hard because i have neither. and these things seem to elude me this time. i reckon i've been depressed for a long time now and its this time that it has been slapping me awake.

i cant take it anymore. i need to get away.