just me

"to be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight... and never stop fighting..."

today's the day i say goodnight.

take me as you are / push me off the road / the sadness i need this time to be with you / i'm freezing in the sun / i'm burning in the rain / the silence i'm screaming calling out your name / and i do reside in your light / put out the fire with me and find / yeah you lose the side of your circles / that's what i'll do if we say goodbye / to be is all i got to be / and all that i see / and all that i need this time / to me the life you gave me / the day you said goodnight / the calmess in your face / that i see through the night / the warmth of your light is pressing unto us / you didnt ask me why / i never would have known / oblivion is falling down / if you could only know me like your prayers at night / then everything between you and me will be alright / she's already taken / she's already taken / she's already taken me / the day you said goodnight --> hale [the day you said goodnight]

oddly enough, i've resigned to the fact that what i was is all i'll ever be.. oh and that he'll never change. they will forever disappoint me and i cant do anything about it. except be me. its my choice anyway and i choose to wither away into oblivion. who cares if i'm invisible and fading? who cares if i'm waning?

whatever things

it's absolutely uncanny how a song can tell exactly how you feel. right now, i'm feeling down, bored, and so pissed off. i have no one to talk to and i still don't understand why i'm not over him yet. i should be miles away from thinking about him, yet here i am seated, typing yet another entry and hopelessly wishing he'd call. yes, i have tried calling him but i don't have the guts to actually wait for him to pick it up. i know i'm supposed to finish the article for the paper. the deadline is on friday yet here i am, staring at the computer screen, not a word in sight. heck, i have more to write on this entry than i do for that assignment. that said, i dont even like the assignment in the first place. i feel like leaving and never coming back.

maybe one day this will all be better. i sure as hell dont know when but who knows?

hmph.. its been exactly one year since he proposed. how was i supposed to know he wasn't.. and i was.. that we were gonna.. that he was.. and i wasnt.. whatever.

he just called. i feel stupid for answering the phone and feeling excited.. he just asked me to sing - just like old times. he says he still plays basketball. he says he's been sober since january. i've been sober only since sunday morning. its weird because i'm actually considering letting him cheat on his girlfriend with me. i swear i'm going crazy. i really really thought i was over him. i actually made myself believe that i was over him. guess i really wasnt. he's sayin when he gets his money, he'll take me out -- i don't know if it's a date date or just a friendly date. but what i know is that this treat is way overdue since it was supposed to be a bet and i won - and that was a year-and-a-half ago.

it's amazing how he actually remembers the nitty gritty details about our childhood -- heck, we were 10.. how am i supposed to remember?

i really hate this situation. i was actually crushing on the other guy and then he came along and i'm back at square one. this is so stupid. i feel so stupid.

{maybe tomorrow} i've been down and / i'm wondering why / these little black clouds / keep walking around / with me / with me / it wastes time / and i'd rather be high / i think i'll walk me outside / and buy a rainbow smile / but they're free / they're all free / so maybe tomorrow / i'll find my way home / so maybe tomorrow / i'll find my way home / i look around at a beautiful life / been the upperside of down / been the inside of out / but we breathe / we breathe / i wanna breeze and an open mind / i wanna swim in the ocean / wanna take my tine for me / all me / so maybe tomorrow / i'll find my way home / so maybe tomorrow / i'll find my way home [stereophonics]

maybe tomorrow, i'll be over you.

nothing's changed

Time is never time at all / You can never ever leave without leaving a peace of youth / And our lives are forever changed / We will never be the same / The more you change the less you feel / Believe believe in me believe / That life can change that you're not stuck in vain / We're not the same we're different tonight / Tonight so bright tonight / And you know you're never sure / But you're sure you could be right / If you held yourself up to the light / And the embers never fade in your city by the lake / The place where you were born / Believe believe in me believe / In the resolute urgency of now / And if you believe there's not a chance tonight / Tonight so bright tonight / We'll crucify the insincere tonight / We'll make things right we'll feel it all tonight / We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight / The indescribable moments of your life tonight / The impossible is possible tonight / Believe in me as I believe in you / Tonight tonight / Tonight --> smashing pumpkins [Tonight, tonight]

okay. my mind has been reeling lately. i have not been myself at all in days. in fact, i have been different lately. different in the bad sense. i have been devoid of feeling and the only emotions running around my head are that of hurt, anger and depression. oh, and i've been oddly nostalgic lately.

i have not been able to decide what to do about him#1. whereas for him#2, i plan on trying to forget him while fixing our friendship. with him#3, i havent decided yet... i dont even know what he really feels about me. it could be that he's just plain harmless, but how would i know?

as for me, i have not decided what to do with my life yet. i reckon its going nowhere. nothing is happening and there are no avenues for me to do something really important with my life. in one word, my life is stale.

i guess i've been staring at the color black for too long now. i've been totally depressed lately and have been drawing back from personal relationships with friends and family. i have hardly even talked since monday. yes, this big mouth of mine also shuts up once in a while. worst of all, i think i have not been using my brain lately because it hurts a lot and it has been blank for the past couple of days. i have even lost the will to blog oh the shock, the horror!)

dont know what else to write. only that i wish life would just start... well, changing.

sharp hint of new tears

On the way home,
this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.
This weather.
The wind outside is biting.
It has left me feeling tired & exposed.
You've been asking me to bleed.
It seems these kinds of questions
They come too easy to you now.
Your lack of shame comes naturally.
I should not be suprised.
I should have seen it sooner.

You expect me to apologize
for things that you've done wrong.
While you're inciting others.
You're owning up to nothing
and I wish that I was gone,
because you're not going anywhere.

This damp air
is fighting my defroster.
My sighs they ring victorious
& fog this tinted glass.
It's clouded
& so is my head.
The hint of these new tears are sharp.
I try to choke them back.
But it's useless.
I am useless against them.
They are beating me with ease.

On the way home
this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way.

i hope he never hears my confessions. i hope nobody ever finds out. right about now, nobody really knows.. knows who i am, or who he is or what he means to me. maybe i can find some way to let him know. but its definitely not gonna be anytime soon. he's been awfully cold lately. never mind, its his loss anyway.

collide

The dawn is breaking

A light shining through

You're barely waking

And I'm tangled up in you

Yeah

I'm open, you're closed

Where I follow, you'll go

I worry I won't see your face

Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seem to rhyme

Out of the doubt that fills my mind

I somehow find

You and I collide

I'm quiet you know

You make a first impression

I've found I'm scared to know

I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the stars refuse to shine

Out of the back you fall in time

I somehow find

You and I collide

Don't stop here

I've lost my place

I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seem to ryhme

Out of the doubt that fills your mind

You finally find

You and I collide

You finally find

You and I collide

You finally find

You and I collide

i think i love you now. please don't ever leave. i hope you never find out.

won't take no for an answer...

i wont take no for an answer. i cant believe how close-minded and shallow he is. i hate him, i hate him, i hate him. i cant believe he wont let me go. i'd rather die than say no. why cant he see it my way??? he's so shallow and selfish, he's driving me insane! i'm glad he's always away, and heck i wish he'd be away the same time i'd have to leave. i hate him i hate him i hate him. i regret ever going here. no wonder i was having thousands of second thoughts about going here. i reckon i now know why.

yet again i am hung up on another guy. i knew the others were just playing me like a fool. well newsflash: I AINT STUPID. i'm not brilliant either, but i definitely am not stupid. i knew all those stories were too good to be true.

let's talk about other things, shall we? yet again i am smitten, weak, call it what you want --- just dont call it LURVE cause it definitely aint lurve. trust me. well, i'm back in the game again and here i am for the nth time, trying to figure out things that do not need figuring out in the first place. oh how i feel pathetic right at this moment. but honestly, i go crazy at the sight of him. i hold my breath every time he talks to me. i melt at the slightest touch from his fingers. my heart skips a beat whenever he hugs me. and worst of all, i squeal and scream whenever i get the chance. i hate this. i never knew february could get so depressing. but then again, it is that time of year again, when i --- yes i --- am the loneliest person on earth.

to whoever is reading this right now, i know i dont make sense. better yet, dont try and figure me out because i'll just drive you nuts. take whatever i write for what it truly is --- a bunch of gibberish.