since its still 11:40 pm on october 19, 2006

happy birthday to me.

yes, i've turned 20 today. the big 2-0. twenty. bente. ni juu. er shr. dalawampo. whatever.

honestly, i never really though about my 20th birthday. i just planned until the grand 18th, when i would come of age. as for 20, nothing. but never in my wildest dreams did i think that turning 20 would be such a bummer. now, my birthday's nothing but a normal day of the week, with good food at the end of the day.

today is one of the ugliest i've ever been, the saddest, the downest, the most depressed, and most especially, the loneliest. i hate today.

so while it still supposedly exists, might as well use it as an excuse.

i said to myself that if he would NOT greet me today, that would mean that there was nothing, there is nothing and there will be nothing between us and that, tomorrow, i would move on. unfortunately, he did. but he did so with such unnerving coldness and with no effort whatsoever that now, i am left to question if i should consider it or not.

i really hate my birthday. i wouldn't mind if nobody remembered.

the saddest songs on earth

i'm posting all my emo shit in this one. my friends are already complaining that i post way too sad crap on my friendster blog. and so, i'll pretend that i'm happy, post happy bullshit on that one and say how i really feel on this one. besides, no one knows this exists.

i'm stuck on 23 by Jimmy Eat World. it's some pretty emo song. my cousin was right.
as i was listening to the song, i realized that i didn't have to write a song for him - that was it. although i'm turning 20 and not 23 on thursday, it doesnt really matter.

I felt for sure last night
That once we said "goodbye",
No one else will know these lonely dreams,
No one else will know that part of me.
I'm still driving away,
And I'm sorry everyday.
I won't always love these selfish things,
I won't always live not stopping...

It was my turn to decide,
I knew this was our time.
No one else will have me like you do,
No one else will have me, only you.

You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time,
What are you hoping for?
I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready, holding on tight,
Don't give away the end, the one thing that stays mine.

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 20(23).
I won't always love what I'll never have,
I won't always live in my regrets.

You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time,
What are you hoping for?
I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready, holding on tight,
Don't give away the end, the one thing that stays mine.

You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time,
What are you hoping for?
I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready, holding on tight,
Don't give away the end, the one thing that stays mine.

how i could insist that the end is mine. but i know that's not true. because if i had my way, it would never have to, no matter how sad that sounds.

and so, i'll sit alone forever, waiting for you to come back.