i knew from the start you were trouble. my gut told me so, and i repeatedly ignored it. lesson learned - always listen to your intuition.
i know i'll never get an answer from you, and i particularly dislike the fact that you made up this facade of you being one thing, but actually are the complete opposite of what you said. i want to ask you so many things, especially why you lied. But alas, these are questions that will always remain unanswered, as i have no more time, energy, or patience to deal with you.
i will always dislike ghosts. and today is the day i purge you out of my life.
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
Monday, August 21, 2017
It's annoying. Really.
This is a bad idea. Replying to you was a terrible idea. And the fact that you engaged further in conversation? The worst.
This eats at me like cancer - wise words from the band Bad Suns. A band, which, uncannily enough, will always, always remind me of you. No matter what song, and even if they have a new album out. An album that we never even listened to together. The first album though, boy, what fond memories do I have with that.
Some days, I feel like I've run out of luck in this whole life and love thing. Like I keep saying, light and love can only bring you so far. I mean, light and love can't pay the bills after all. And no amount of it can get you out of my head. Seriously, why? I thought I was over this. And then you decide to drop me a line. WHY.
You are annoying. But what's more annoying is how my whole being is reacting (responding?) to this.
This eats at me like cancer - wise words from the band Bad Suns. A band, which, uncannily enough, will always, always remind me of you. No matter what song, and even if they have a new album out. An album that we never even listened to together. The first album though, boy, what fond memories do I have with that.
Some days, I feel like I've run out of luck in this whole life and love thing. Like I keep saying, light and love can only bring you so far. I mean, light and love can't pay the bills after all. And no amount of it can get you out of my head. Seriously, why? I thought I was over this. And then you decide to drop me a line. WHY.
You are annoying. But what's more annoying is how my whole being is reacting (responding?) to this.
Sunday, May 21, 2017
Living a Life From A New Perspective
As my friends and I were driving home from La Union, one thing struck me - we're all really just little children, making our way through the world. Don't get me wrong, we had an average age of 33.5 amongst the 6 of us, and so no - no one was "young". But, looking across each one in the car, and hearing all of our stories, we're all just trying to get through the next day, and the day after that. All the jobs or the stuff we own is just there to mask what we've been all trying to hide - that we're scared shitless and we don't really know what we're doing.
I guess I find comfort in the fact that I'm not the only one feeling that way.
I guess I find comfort in the fact that I'm not the only one feeling that way.
Sunday, February 05, 2017
don't be the weird one, girl.
i'm trying to stay calm and collected, playing the part of the cool, chill girl. let's admit it - i am anything but cool and chill.
i am seriously fighting the urge to send you 1,001 messages about how "cool" i am, and how we definitely connected and how this is really worth it. i'm pretty proud of the fact that at the end of the day, i won't send a single one, and all because i'm too proud. yes, i like you and yes, i think this situation sucks, but inasmuch as i would try everything, you've got to make a bit of an effort. reach out once in a while, that's not too much to ask, is it?
in the meantime, i will keep biting my tongue and write cryptic tweets and blogposts about you. that should suffice.
i am seriously fighting the urge to send you 1,001 messages about how "cool" i am, and how we definitely connected and how this is really worth it. i'm pretty proud of the fact that at the end of the day, i won't send a single one, and all because i'm too proud. yes, i like you and yes, i think this situation sucks, but inasmuch as i would try everything, you've got to make a bit of an effort. reach out once in a while, that's not too much to ask, is it?
in the meantime, i will keep biting my tongue and write cryptic tweets and blogposts about you. that should suffice.
Monday, October 17, 2016
I'm not going to pretend that I know what I'm doing, because like the rest of us, I'm really simply winging it.
I can tell you a million and one things that I think are important to know or to remember, but I'm sure you have a notebook full of those already. The only thing I can give you is a story. A story of how I decided this can't possibly be the only way and changed how I see my life and the world around me.
You see, I fought a long and drawn-out battle with depression. I like to say it in the past tense because I think I won - for now. My doctor says it's possible that it will come back, but hopefully, I'm better equipped to see the symptoms and try to get myself out of it. But that's not even the worse part, I also struggle with thoughts of suicide which, in no way or manner, am I proud of. I have had countless thoughts about wanting to take my own life in various forms. Believe me, I researched so many ways to do it mainly because I want a quick and painless guaranteed death. But alas, the odds will always be against me. 19 out of 20 suicides fail the first time, and those that fail are 37 times more likely to succeed the second time around. I didn't want to be part of the 19, so I researched the heck out of it. For some reason, though, I just couldn't bring myself to go through with it. People always say that those who think about it but don't go through with it are simply attention seekers. Perhaps its true, but that does not mean that attention is not warranted.
For me, suicide seemed to be the only way out when everything was bleak. I had my first suicidal thought in high school when, during summer break, I had come across a guy I thought was cute. No, this is not some cheesy love story. I had given him my number, we had spoken a few times, and he ended up stalking me. Suffice it to say, it was just chaos. And all this time, I blamed myself for all of the bad things that happened. It was all my fault. If I just hadn't given my number, none of this would've happened. No one would have been exposed to danger. It got to a point where, I swore that if anything happened to anyone close to me, I would kill myself.
And so similar thoughts ensued, in different situations and because of different reasons. I'm not proud of these thoughts. But I think, it's time we talk about it. It's not healthy anymore when someone you know commits suicide. This can't possibly be the only way.
And yet, we shun people who are "emotional", "negative", telling them that they're too much of a burden or they're a drag to hang around. Don't say that. You don't know what that person is going through, has been through, or will have to go through. We all don't approach life the same way. Maybe you can ignore the hurt and pain, laugh through it or brush it off, but not everyone is as equipped as you are. Worse, not everyone has the support system that you probably do.
Why am I sharing this? Because I need you to know that the next time you through around the idea that a person is such a drag, so down, and that they should just "change their mindset", I want you to understand that it's not that easy, especially when someone is depressed.
The National Institute of Mental Health defines depression as: a common but serious mood disorder. It causes severe symptoms that affect how you feel, think, and handle daily activities such as sleeping, eating, or working. They may develop under unique circumstances. It is caused by a combination of genetic, biological, environmental, and psychological factors. So it's not just about feeling sad, or "changing your mind" about something, it is serious and we need to talk about it. We need to be more sensitive, and we need to be understanding.
It's not a joke and should not be treated as one. Lend out a helping hand, or if you think that it's something that you are not equipped to handle, ask them to see a professional. They can start with some of these: http://www.cefam.ph/mainpage.aspx, or http://www.emmausphil.org/.
Don't be ignorant. Be vigilant. Be sensitive. Better yet, be supportive.
You see, I fought a long and drawn-out battle with depression. I like to say it in the past tense because I think I won - for now. My doctor says it's possible that it will come back, but hopefully, I'm better equipped to see the symptoms and try to get myself out of it. But that's not even the worse part, I also struggle with thoughts of suicide which, in no way or manner, am I proud of. I have had countless thoughts about wanting to take my own life in various forms. Believe me, I researched so many ways to do it mainly because I want a quick and painless guaranteed death. But alas, the odds will always be against me. 19 out of 20 suicides fail the first time, and those that fail are 37 times more likely to succeed the second time around. I didn't want to be part of the 19, so I researched the heck out of it. For some reason, though, I just couldn't bring myself to go through with it. People always say that those who think about it but don't go through with it are simply attention seekers. Perhaps its true, but that does not mean that attention is not warranted.
For me, suicide seemed to be the only way out when everything was bleak. I had my first suicidal thought in high school when, during summer break, I had come across a guy I thought was cute. No, this is not some cheesy love story. I had given him my number, we had spoken a few times, and he ended up stalking me. Suffice it to say, it was just chaos. And all this time, I blamed myself for all of the bad things that happened. It was all my fault. If I just hadn't given my number, none of this would've happened. No one would have been exposed to danger. It got to a point where, I swore that if anything happened to anyone close to me, I would kill myself.
And so similar thoughts ensued, in different situations and because of different reasons. I'm not proud of these thoughts. But I think, it's time we talk about it. It's not healthy anymore when someone you know commits suicide. This can't possibly be the only way.
And yet, we shun people who are "emotional", "negative", telling them that they're too much of a burden or they're a drag to hang around. Don't say that. You don't know what that person is going through, has been through, or will have to go through. We all don't approach life the same way. Maybe you can ignore the hurt and pain, laugh through it or brush it off, but not everyone is as equipped as you are. Worse, not everyone has the support system that you probably do.
Why am I sharing this? Because I need you to know that the next time you through around the idea that a person is such a drag, so down, and that they should just "change their mindset", I want you to understand that it's not that easy, especially when someone is depressed.
The National Institute of Mental Health defines depression as: a common but serious mood disorder. It causes severe symptoms that affect how you feel, think, and handle daily activities such as sleeping, eating, or working. They may develop under unique circumstances. It is caused by a combination of genetic, biological, environmental, and psychological factors. So it's not just about feeling sad, or "changing your mind" about something, it is serious and we need to talk about it. We need to be more sensitive, and we need to be understanding.
It's not a joke and should not be treated as one. Lend out a helping hand, or if you think that it's something that you are not equipped to handle, ask them to see a professional. They can start with some of these: http://www.cefam.ph/mainpage.aspx, or http://www.emmausphil.org/.
Don't be ignorant. Be vigilant. Be sensitive. Better yet, be supportive.
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
I'm Seeing Red
I am so angry at you. I'm trying to figure out where this anger comes from, and I've come to realize that it comes from a place of disappointment.
I'm disappointed in you. You made me believe you were a different person than what you ended up to be.
I'm disappointed because you made me believe that you could be better than this.
I'm disappointed because you said you were mature enough to handle it, but apparently you weren't.
At the end of the day, it all boils down to choices. And you chose not to rise to the occasion.
I'm disappointed in you. You made me believe you were a different person than what you ended up to be.
I'm disappointed because you made me believe that you could be better than this.
I'm disappointed because you said you were mature enough to handle it, but apparently you weren't.
At the end of the day, it all boils down to choices. And you chose not to rise to the occasion.
Thursday, May 26, 2016
I'm Drowning
Life. It's weird, obscure, macabre. It just happens. Bad things, good things, every thing. The Universe doesn't specifically shit on you - it shits on everybody. It just shits on everyone differently.
There's no telling what the human soul can endure. And let me tell you, in the past month, I have endured a lot. So much so that I don't know where all this strength is coming from. I guess it's true, you just keep on keeping on. There is no backward or sideward, there's only one way - forward. There is no stop, no rewind. Just play. And it's not even you that's pressing it. It will just keep on being like that even if you feel like falling off the Earth and evaporating into thin air.
Funny, I never thought life could get any worse. But then again, Murphy's law is always at play. It is true - anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Stupid Murphy.
There's no telling what the human soul can endure. And let me tell you, in the past month, I have endured a lot. So much so that I don't know where all this strength is coming from. I guess it's true, you just keep on keeping on. There is no backward or sideward, there's only one way - forward. There is no stop, no rewind. Just play. And it's not even you that's pressing it. It will just keep on being like that even if you feel like falling off the Earth and evaporating into thin air.
Funny, I never thought life could get any worse. But then again, Murphy's law is always at play. It is true - anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Stupid Murphy.
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